Spent most of this afternoon crying. I promised my mum to stop posting pictures like this because they make her cry too – sorry mum!

I feel like a broken record when it comes to my knees so I won’t go on about it after this post because even I think it’s starting to become boring.

I’m just extremely sad and disappointed at the moment.

I feel like I fucked up and its very frustrating to know that I gave so much and tried so hard, only to be told that it was too much too soon and to just rest and do nothing for a while.

As stupid as it might sound, after having done nothing for so many years, I am just… scared.

I am scared that my body will forget about all the hard work I have been putting in these past 5 weeks.

I am scared that I will lose my motivation and drive to do this half marathon.

I am scared that I wont complete the Team Bangs journey if I make a quick stop and rest.

I am scared that resting will make me feel like a failure and destroy all the good things that have been happening to my confidence lately.

I am scared that this whole ‘knee thing’ will stop me from pushing myself and going harder and further in the future.

I am actually more than just scared – I am terrified – despite it sounding ridiculous.

And I know I probably shouldn’t beat myself up about it so much. But I can’t help it. This is the way I am and I don’t really know how to be anything else.

It angers, and frustrates, and saddens me when I want to do and give something my all and I can’t.

But as promised, I will rest for a week and do my best not to get too negative about it.

Unfortunately I have a feeling the latter is much easier said than done…

Hello my friends!

So this is me today… Absolutely exhausted! It has been a very very long and weird week. Started out with being very excited about doing more running after my 8 miler in the snow.

Sadly, no matter how excited I was and how amazing I think Run Dem Crew is, I had my worst run ever this Tuesday. Fucked up my knee, forgot my oyster, ran 3 miles in extreme pain trying not to cause a scene & burst into tears.

Obviously it all kind of backfired because as soon as I got back to base and saw Rhalou the tears just started coming, I almost had a panic attack and to rush home, and I could’t really stop crying until I got off the bus by the end of my road. Not much of a warrior I know, more like a puppy that has been beaten.

Got home and followed doctors advice about RICE (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate) but all I really wanted to do was to scream and punch things. I am telling you, the combination of that much frustration and pain is not a very good look, especially not on me. I was beyond gutted and really angry with myself for fucking up, not only the run I had been looking forward to so much, but also my knee that I kind of need in order to do more running.

Luckily, I had ordered some new running gear the previous day because the snow running had proved to me that no matter how many years I’d lived in Sweden, minus degrees are still very cold. So in order to prevent my legs from falling off from frostbite, I knew that a nice little package would be arriving soon, hopefully cheering me up.

Safe to say I was over the moon when it all arrived, and here are two of the “new looks” – including long leggings that make me feel like cat woman and a purple/pink jacket. Combined they make me feel like a little ninja. Whilst the second one apparently makes me look like a power ranger (which I personally think is awesome!)

On Saturday I met up with some of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. That cheered me up even more, especially since they had such nice things to say about me and my running achievements. Oh, and also because I had the most delicious breakfast ever consisting of fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms with poached eggs and shaved parmesan!

Then I went to see my incredibly hot Team bangs girls for a session with the amazing Barbara – a professional running coach and triathlon mad woman. It was great to get some advice, do my first ‘light’ running session since the bad knee, and of course, to see some of my fabulous girls! They always manage to make me feel better and even though I was worried about my knee and the fact that it was starting to hurt again, they brought the smiles and made me feel good.

Today, Sunday, meant that I had my long run to do (6 miles) and I had managed to get together with a little group of amazing people from Run Dem Crew to do it with (in the order they appear below: Kaye, Guy, Alexandra and Daniel).

We met up at 9:30am London Bridge and I was really nervous… Not because I was scared their pace would be too fast, because believe it or not, I actually enjoy the 9:30min/mile pace (its crazy I know, if you would have told me this 2 months ago or 2 years ago I would have told you to get your head checked) and it wasn’t even the 10 mile distance because I had already decided I wasn’t going to do 10 miles, only the 6 miles that were on my training plan.

It was the thought of fucking up my knee even more that was haunting me and almost punching little holes in my head.

And of course, as soon as we hit waterloo bridge which was 2 miles away, my knee was screaming STOP IT YOU FOOL! So I apologised for the crap knee & turned around. I thought that I could run the 2 miles back, or maybe even an extra mile to get in 3 all together but no…

My knee said “What the hell do you think you’re doing!? I said no!” and I got so scared that I decided to give in and walk. And just when I had passed the 15896th runner on the south bank and felt a million and one emotions sweeping over me, I bumped into the lovely Ama from Run Dem Crew who saved the morning and put a smile on my face (although you cant see it as I am trying to look gangsta).

All in all – despite all the good things happening I felt like it was a very difficult week.

I really want to run… and I know I need to rest the knee and listen to my body, and I will. But just the thought of not being able to run next week either is making me want to cry.

It is so fucking frustrating that I don’t even know how to describe it in words. All I want to do is scream of anger.

People say I have caught the running bug and maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not, I don’t know.

However, what I do know is true is that I am starting to love running more and more because not only does it make me feel good about myself, I have also met so many wonderful and amazing people because of it that I almost feel like beating myself with a stick for not starting to run much sooner.

And these new found running friends have all been above and beyond supportive this week, something that just makes little fireworks go off in my heart because it is just too… well… overwhelming to see so many people wishing me nice things and hoping that I will recover soon.

I want to be out running on the pavement with them, clocking in the miles and making it count. Going hard before I go home with a smile on my face.

I want to share that great feeling of accomplishment with them, just like being there for them if they are going through a tough time.

I want to run because it’s something I never thought I would enjoy and because it makes me feeling amazing, even when it’s not.