This is my mum. She is the most amazing person on this earth. Actually no, she is more than amazing, but I don’t think there is a word that can describe just how amazing she is. I think if I would love her any more my heart would pop, maybe even explode.
Happy birthday mum! I can’t wait to see you in 12 days! xxx
It’s my mums birthday today. I was planning on writing a post in her honour, accompanied by a mix I made especially for her. But then I got a message and somehow I feel like I need to write this instead (sorry mum!).
A week ago today I found out that an old classmate of mine back home in Sweden had died. I saw this rush of Facebook statuses changing, none of which seem to carry his real name and specifically saying he had passed away. It wasn’t until somebody tagged him in a picture I finally realised what had happened and who it had happened to. It came as a massive shock to me. I was desperately trying to find out what, how and why it had happened. I’m not going to lie, we weren’t very close friends and I hadn’t seen him for many years, but he was a very good friend of my old bands drummer up until his very last day, so I decided to ask him. He didn’t get back to me and as always, I managed to occupy myself with so many other things that it took my mind off it all.
Up until this evening, when I finally got a reply back, letting me know that he had killed himself by jumping in front of a train.
I can’t really stop my tears from falling at this moment…
He was always a bit special, but in my eyes, in a quirky, funny and brilliant way. I was always so fascinated by how incredibly talented he was (we went to music school together) and I remember “beating him” at a Jazz test (we studied musical genres, Jazz was one of them) and him being surprised and slightly annoyed (but in a good way) that I had gotten a better mark than he had. Apparently he suffered from depression for many years and I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, that I truly feel for his family and his close friends as this is a great loss. May he rest in peace.
My initial discovery of his sudden passing stirred up a lot of feelings. Some of you might know that I have put everything on ice for an indefinite future (things like radio shows, mixes, blogging etc) and that is mainly because I don’t feel very well, and I haven’t been feeling very well for a while now.
I don’t think I’ve ever written about it here on the blog, and mum – if you didn’t know before – I am really sorry that you had to find out like this, but I had suicidal thoughts when I was younger and I even tried to take my life once when I was in high school. Although my attempt was a very messy affair with a lot of blood and not so much actual damage… We had had a gig with the band and went to an after party. I was surrounded by friends that were all happy and having a laugh, friends that were there because of us – celebrating what a great show it had been. And I was there in the middle of it all, feeling like the loneliest person in the world, repulsed by my own reflection and by my entire being.
It was a big mistake doing what I did that night and I am thankful for the great support I got from those friends who found me. Looking back on it now I feel like a fool, because I realise now, maybe more than ever, what an amazing gift life is. But back then it was really fucking difficult… We’ve all been teenagers and we all know that the problems we had then seemed like the biggest problems in the world, probably because we had never experienced anything else quite similar before. It is easy looking back on it now and laughing at how tiny those problems were in the grand scheme of things. But truth be told – I suffered so much.
I have many insecurities even today, but back then they were amplified by a million. I felt like the ugliest and fattest person in the world, that nobody in their right mind could ever truly love or care about because I wasn’t good enough. My parents had sent me to weight watchers when I was 14, and then got me to try out different diets and what not when I couldn’t really keep the weight off. I was told by my dad that skinny beautiful people had it much easier in life, and considering I wanted to work with music which was a very though industry and very focused on looks, I would have it much easier if I was one of those people. In my head that made me think “if my own father thinks Im ugly and fat, what man on this planet will ever find me attractive and lovable?” and seeing as my first love had broken my heart into a million pieces by technically cheating on me and leaving me for a friend of mine, it made sense in my head that people would always prefer others and never me.
Today I can see that this is totally ridiculous, and I can appreciate the fact that my parents were more worried about the health risks of being overweight rather than it being a sign of me being ugly, but back then I couldn’t. I just didnt feel like I was good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or talented enough. I felt worthless… All these stupid insecurities literally destroyed me, to the point where I didn’t see the point in living.
That was rock bottom for me. Don’t get me wrong – I have had some pretty fucking horrible moments throughout my life, but for some reason, I still consider that the worst. I built myself up though (with some help on the way), although I have a bit more to go before I can say I have truly overcome it all. I still battle the feelings of being fat and ugly on a daily basis, looking in the mirror every morning with a sad expression asking myself if I will ever feel truly attractive. Working on things and never quite feeling like I am as good as the rest of the people doing the same thing, or being disappointed with myself because I couldn’t deliver what I had promised to deliver, or maybe not in the quality I wanted it to be and so on. However, usually I am good at shaking all those feelings off after a while and thinking “Fuck it! I might be all that, but in the grand scheme of things, I am still pretty fucking amazing!”
But for some months now I haven’t been able to shake it off as easily. This has led to the fact that I basically stopped going out and I stopped seeing friends. All the creative work I did felt forced instead of just coming as a stream of inspiration out of me, which meant that I wasn’t really happy with any of the work, because it wasn’t what I wanted it to be, but at the same time I didn’t really know what it was meant to be to begin with. And I guess it just got to the point a couple of weeks ago where it simply clicked in my head. I needed to spend time on me, because I wasn’t feeling well, I wasn’t the true me.
Over the years I have learnt plenty of harsh lessons, some with regards to life and some with regards to myself. I’ve learnt how to pick myself up in situations where I simply wanted to dig a hole in the ground and disappear. I’ve learnt how to face my own demons and slowly (but surely) pick them apart, one by one. I have been fortunate to have fantastic and loving and supporting people by my side through some of it, people that have helped me see things from a different perspective and helped me see the bigger picture when I was standing too close to see it myself. But throughout all this I have also learnt to appreciate the fact that some things in life I have to do on my own. Nobody can teach me who I am, nobody can tell me what I truly want, nobody can tell me how I am truly feeling, that is for me to figure out. I am not saying I will do all this in the coming months, but I feel like my inner self is crying for attention – a cry that I have been ignoring all year because I have been too caught up with other things. But I won’t ignore it any more, because I know that it will ultimately result in me burning myself out to the point where it will be very difficult for me to recover again.
I know this is a rather serious post, but I’d like to add that there is no need to be worried about me. Since I made the decision to take a break it feels like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And to be honest, I can’t wait to spend more time with me and do all the things I have been putting off for ages. So thank you, for everything. I know that most of you who read this blog have been supporting me throughout all the things I’ve been doing – whether it has been radio shows or mixes or articles or various other projects and so on. I really appreciate it!