tired as hell

Sometimes a picture says more than a thousand words and I think we can all agree that I look bloody run down at the moment…

Just realised it had been around 3 weeks since I last wrote anything here on the blog, sorry! Life has been a bit upside down since I got back from Thailand 6 weeks ago.

Anyway, the reason why I have been so quiet is that I ended up with loads of work before my last day at Jazzman, then I went back home to Sweden for a few day, got back to London and had some bits and bobs to sort out (like this article on VF website, attending a very interesting day hosted by Mixcloud at Convergence, having a massive spring clean in the house aaaaaaand starting a new job…)

So yes, this week I started my new job and I’m really enjoying it but it is a lot to take in all at once. Not just work wise but also the fact that I’m not home alone anymore but in an office with people (might not sound like a big deal but it is!).

The running hasn’t been going good but it’s been ok. Officially went back to RDC this week but due to being totally exhausted every single night of the week I didn’t find the time to go out for another shortish run after work.

After going through a bit of a shitty and stressful period I feel like I’m finally starting to see the end of the tunnel and I’ve decided not to be too harsh on myself with regards to the running.

I have had my set of routines for almost 3 years now, so I need to accept the fact that it will take some time to get used to getting up earlier, going to bed later, and trying to find time to exercise a bit later or earlier in the day. I’m confident that I can do it, but I just need some time to settle in my new job, new routines, and this fresh start I now have.

Very exciting times and I can’t wait to share more info about what I’ll be working with from now on!

As for the blog – more regular updates will be coming, but like with the running I just need to get my head around how to divide up my spare time.

Good morning my friends!

I hope you all had a nice weekend. I had grand plans of sorting out a lot of stuff but things didn’t quite go as I wanted…

A lot of things are happing in my life right now and despite trying my best to keep my head above water, it felt like I was drowning on Saturday and I didn’t have the energy to fight back any more.

So what should have been a cheap and cheerful little gathering on Saturday night with some friends, food and a drinks, turned into a proper booze fest and I drank so many gin cocktails (at happy hour!) that the thought of gin & elderflower still makes me want to vomit 1½ day later.

Half of me feels that of course I’m allowed to go out, have some fun and blow off some steam – it is so rare for me to do it that once every 6 months or so shouldn’t be something I get hung up about.

But the other half of me feels annoyed, frustrated and guilty because there were a few things I really wanted to get done this weekend that just didn’t happen because I spent a full day feeling fucking horrendous.

Truth be told though, despite being at peace with some of the shitty things that are happening right now, this wave of complete anxiety and stress washes over me from time to time.

I can handle it 85% of the time, but then there’s the other 15% that chokes me and drinking is such an easy way to drown out the voices in my head – but it’s also a very stupid and unsustainable way of dealing with it.

So until I sort shit out and get back on my feet, I have decided that I’m not going to drink. It might take a week, a month, a few months – I have no idea.

But even though I’m not a big drinker in general, I know that it’s so easy to get into the habit of having a few drinks (wine or beer) after work or with dinner “to take the edge of a day” – especially when you’re going through a rough patch in your life like I am at the moment.

So I rather try to do it in other ways like going for a run or doing something creative (like writing a blog post). It might not work, but I’m going to give it a go.

Hopefully it will help me get back into this running routine as well that I’ve really been struggling with since I got back from Thailand.

Koh Mak Beach Selfie

It’s weird how a certain occasion or day can remind you of things you usually don’t really think about (or try not to remember…).

This period two years ago was probably one of the worst and most difficult ones I’ve had in my “adult life”.

I had just broken up with my longtime boyfriend who I was living with at the time, I had nowhere to live, no family to comfort me, no savings or money, and no idea how I was gonna make it through the darkness.

I have very vivid memories of trying to find sofas to crash on whilst I sorted myself out and how bad I felt asking people because of Valentine’s Day.

It’s also weird (and in a way comforting) to notice how life really does go in cycles, and how I’m currently facing another shit/life changing situation in my life but with a totally different mindset and attitude.

Without going into too much detail, it makes me happy and proud to see and feel how much I have grown as a person these last two years. There’s some sort of maturity and calm about me that I definitely didn’t have back then.

I have this strange reassurance that even though I’m sad as hell and I have no idea what’s gonna happen, it will all work out in the end, I just have to keep my head up and believe in both myself and the path I have chosen (or that has chosen me?).

Sorry if it’s all a bit cryptic at the moment, as I said in my previous post, it will all make sense once I can figure out how to share everything Im going through.

But until then, thanks for reading, I hope this sort of stuff doesn’t bore you all too much! I’m in a phase right now that forces me to just get all these things out or it will eat away in my head and make it too heavy.