Hello my friends!

So this is me today… Absolutely exhausted! It has been a very very long and weird week. Started out with being very excited about doing more running after my 8 miler in the snow.

Sadly, no matter how excited I was and how amazing I think Run Dem Crew is, I had my worst run ever this Tuesday. Fucked up my knee, forgot my oyster, ran 3 miles in extreme pain trying not to cause a scene & burst into tears.

Obviously it all kind of backfired because as soon as I got back to base and saw Rhalou the tears just started coming, I almost had a panic attack and to rush home, and I could’t really stop crying until I got off the bus by the end of my road. Not much of a warrior I know, more like a puppy that has been beaten.

Got home and followed doctors advice about RICE (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate) but all I really wanted to do was to scream and punch things. I am telling you, the combination of that much frustration and pain is not a very good look, especially not on me. I was beyond gutted and really angry with myself for fucking up, not only the run I had been looking forward to so much, but also my knee that I kind of need in order to do more running.

Luckily, I had ordered some new running gear the previous day because the snow running had proved to me that no matter how many years I’d lived in Sweden, minus degrees are still very cold. So in order to prevent my legs from falling off from frostbite, I knew that a nice little package would be arriving soon, hopefully cheering me up.

Safe to say I was over the moon when it all arrived, and here are two of the “new looks” – including long leggings that make me feel like cat woman and a purple/pink jacket. Combined they make me feel like a little ninja. Whilst the second one apparently makes me look like a power ranger (which I personally think is awesome!)

On Saturday I met up with some of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. That cheered me up even more, especially since they had such nice things to say about me and my running achievements. Oh, and also because I had the most delicious breakfast ever consisting of fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms with poached eggs and shaved parmesan!

Then I went to see my incredibly hot Team bangs girls for a session with the amazing Barbara – a professional running coach and triathlon mad woman. It was great to get some advice, do my first ‘light’ running session since the bad knee, and of course, to see some of my fabulous girls! They always manage to make me feel better and even though I was worried about my knee and the fact that it was starting to hurt again, they brought the smiles and made me feel good.

Today, Sunday, meant that I had my long run to do (6 miles) and I had managed to get together with a little group of amazing people from Run Dem Crew to do it with (in the order they appear below: Kaye, Guy, Alexandra and Daniel).

We met up at 9:30am London Bridge and I was really nervous… Not because I was scared their pace would be too fast, because believe it or not, I actually enjoy the 9:30min/mile pace (its crazy I know, if you would have told me this 2 months ago or 2 years ago I would have told you to get your head checked) and it wasn’t even the 10 mile distance because I had already decided I wasn’t going to do 10 miles, only the 6 miles that were on my training plan.

It was the thought of fucking up my knee even more that was haunting me and almost punching little holes in my head.

And of course, as soon as we hit waterloo bridge which was 2 miles away, my knee was screaming STOP IT YOU FOOL! So I apologised for the crap knee & turned around. I thought that I could run the 2 miles back, or maybe even an extra mile to get in 3 all together but no…

My knee said “What the hell do you think you’re doing!? I said no!” and I got so scared that I decided to give in and walk. And just when I had passed the 15896th runner on the south bank and felt a million and one emotions sweeping over me, I bumped into the lovely Ama from Run Dem Crew who saved the morning and put a smile on my face (although you cant see it as I am trying to look gangsta).

All in all – despite all the good things happening I felt like it was a very difficult week.

I really want to run… and I know I need to rest the knee and listen to my body, and I will. But just the thought of not being able to run next week either is making me want to cry.

It is so fucking frustrating that I don’t even know how to describe it in words. All I want to do is scream of anger.

People say I have caught the running bug and maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not, I don’t know.

However, what I do know is true is that I am starting to love running more and more because not only does it make me feel good about myself, I have also met so many wonderful and amazing people because of it that I almost feel like beating myself with a stick for not starting to run much sooner.

And these new found running friends have all been above and beyond supportive this week, something that just makes little fireworks go off in my heart because it is just too… well… overwhelming to see so many people wishing me nice things and hoping that I will recover soon.

I want to be out running on the pavement with them, clocking in the miles and making it count. Going hard before I go home with a smile on my face.

I want to share that great feeling of accomplishment with them, just like being there for them if they are going through a tough time.

I want to run because it’s something I never thought I would enjoy and because it makes me feeling amazing, even when it’s not.

Last day of the third week of training for the Berlin Half Marathon and let me tell you – this week has been the shittiest week of 2012. No joke.

Without really going into anything other than running, this week was hard as hell.

It started out with some ‘issues’ that I won’t dwell or go on about because as far as I know, everything has been talked about and resolved, but let’s just say that a situation occurred that  kind of made me very sad, disappointed and a bit upset.

On top of that, this no smoking business had resulted in pretty much insomnia. I had been getting on average about 3 hours sleep per night for roughly two weeks, which is not a lot when you need to be up by 6am the very latest every weekday morning to squeeze in either run or a bootcamp session before work.

Safe to say that the tiredness got the best of me – all I wanted to do was to cry my eyes out, dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.

Everything was a struggle and I just couldn’t see how it was going to get any better.

After having a lovely run, and the longest one I have ever done, with Run Dem Cew on Tuesday, I went for another one on Saturday and it bloody hurt! Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am a beginner, but so far running has never really hurt in the way it hurt on Saturday. My legs, my feet, my thighs, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, everything hurt.

I wasn’t even doing my long run, “only” 3,5 miles and I felt like my body was going to fall apart. How the hell am I meant to run 13 miles if I am on my third official week of training and my body is falling apart after less than a quarter of the distance!?

I wasn’t happy but I tried not to think about it. Until I woke up this morning, on my “long run day”, and felt like my entire existence was shouting NO to running. The thought of having to go for a run was actually so upsetting that I started crying.

And before you start judging me – yes I do look horrible on that picture, yes I was silly enough to take a picture of myself looking that bad whilst crying my eyes out, BUT, how am I meant to share this journey with you all if I am not honest and show you EVERYTHING of what I am going through.

So I cried for a while, tweeted about how I didnt want to go for a run, and then decided to stop being silly and just do it because I would feel much worse about the situation if I didn’t go.

Little did I know that whilst I was crying a bit more and preparing to go out for this very much dreaded run, people were saying all kinds of encouraging and wonderful things to me on twitter:

I really wish I would have seen this before I went out, because it wasn’t really a very pretty run…

I got to 0,75 miles and started crying because I just didn’t want to be out there. I didn’t want to be running and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even done a mile.

When I got to 1,5 miles I was cussing everybody in my head.

I was cussing myself for having met Charlie Dark and for him to have started Run Dem Crew.

I was cussing Bangs for asking me to join Team Bangs and for making me feel so passionate about the team and the girls and this achievement and for getting me into running when in fact I was probably much happier when I was fat, lazy, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not giving a flying toss about any stupid half marathon.

I was cussing all my girls in Team Bangs for being so lovely and great people and for making me looking forward to getting up in the morning to go training and for feeling so blessed about sharing this journey with them, because it is a crap journey that is too much effort and hard work.

I was cussing every person I have met in Run Dem Crew, at the sessions or online, for being so into this stupid fucking thing called running and for being so nice and encouraging to me. I mean, who the hell owns and wears so much lycra anyway!?!

It even got to the point where I was cussing my parents for making me and my mum for giving birth to me.

Yes it really got that bad. It got to the point where I literally wished I had not been born at all.

This was where I had my second cry. I think it was around 3,75 miles when I realised how far I had left to run.

I couldn’t breathe, my legs and shoulders were hurting, and I was seriously considering running in front of a car just so I could put myself out of my misery.

But somehow I carried on.

I was thinking of Berlin, of how everything was hurting, of how I’d never be able to do 13 miles, of how Candie was right – Come race day I would be there on my own. Me and the pavement. Nobody to run for me, nobody to carry me over the finish line. Every man/woman on their own.

And during all of it, I had the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear:

How all this wasn’t worth it.
How I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
How I wasn’t “built” for running anyway.
How my life would be so much easier if I didn’t train for this stupid half marathon.
How nobody would care if I just stopped running now and not in 2,5 miles.
How it was ok to walk a little if I needed.

Every single excuse you can think of, you can believe that the little devil whispered it to me. And I listened, and I took it in, hell, I even agreed with some of it.

But I didn’t stop.

After the last excuse I turned my head to the little angel that had been hiding behind my other shoulder, smiled, and tried to run the last mile as fast as I could.

That is when I had my third cry.

Then I got home and was greeted by these wonderful words (I can’t say thank you enough to all of you – I was blown away with how amazing and supporting and encouraging you all are!):

I am going to be honest with you all – I have no idea why I didn’t stop. It would have been so easy and nobody was there with me so nobody would have known anyway.

Maybe it was pride, maybe it was because I was determined not to, maybe it was just luck – I don’t know.

But what I do know is that I am ultimately doing this because I want to be able to wake up every morning and be the best person I can be.

And I know that sounds cheesey, and a bit ‘self-help’/motivational coach bull-shit talk, but it is the truth.

That is the goal and I need to remember that, especially on the bad days and weeks.

Why? Because you need the bad to appreciate the good.

And people can take the piss and people can laugh, but I know that I will come out of this as a better person.

It’s not easy, and this week definitely was a reality check compared to the two previous weeks when I started to think that it might be a piece of cake to run 13 miles after all. It has grounded me, made me think and definitely made me appreciate rest days!

So much love and respect to all of you who are going through this journey as well.

And much love and thank yous to all of you who have been encouraging me to go out there and smash it. Words are not enough for me to express how much I appreciate and value your support.