Feels like I’ve completely lost my control and focus. Haven’t been myself for a good few months now. Consumed by endless sadness and a feeling of being absolutely worthless. Some days have been easier than others, at times I even forgot, but most of the time it has been eating me up from the inside, slowly destroying my faith and will in myself and what I am capable of. And it is so exhausting, like I don’t work hard enough as it is without all these doubts and worries, but looking at my accomplishments and still feel like I am worth nothing at all, just a useless, talentless fool, it is simply a soul destroying journey at the best of times.
Annoyingly enough I have been down this road plenty of times, but for some reason it has been even harder than ever before to change my coarse towards something better and more positive. Sleepless nights filled with crying and worrying and stressing, it is not the life I want to live and lead, it is not even a life I would wish my worst enemy.
So I have come to a crossroad. I have come to a point where I just feel so angry with myself that I want to beat myself up with a gigantic stick. I need to snap out of this or else I will lose my mind, and most probably myself along the way.
Deep breaths.
I can do this. I have picked myself up so many times before, when I had nobody to help me, nobody to motivate me, nobody to tell me things would be fine. All I need to do is to try to stay strong and focus.
A lot of shit has been going on, people screwing me over, friends letting me down, my illness going bad to worse. But the only person accountable for the out-comings of these things on a personal level is me.
Im too dramatical, I take things to personally, I trust people too much, I depend on people too much, I give of myself too much. There has to be a balance, a balance that is so difficult to find. I just have to remember:
Deep breaths.
I am only human, even though I sometimes feel like I take things upon me like I were super-human I have to remember that I am only me. It is very self-consuming trying to please and help everybody, and even more consuming when you realise most people don’t really care in the end, or even worse, when you feel like you fail or let people down most of the time.
I need to stop putting all this pressure on myself, it is blurring my focus and only making me doubt myself. I have too much to give and too many things to achieve to let myself get side-tracked like this. Not many have been fortunate enough to have such clear goals of what they want with their lives like I have, I can’t fuck up, not now, not when I have come this far and worked so hard.
The idea and temptation of giving up has been weighing me down for a while, and there has been many occasions when I truly felt like giving in. But I can’t. I can’t give up. Giving up would be like spitting myself and everybody else who has helped and believed in me in the face. So I just have to remember:
Deep breaths.
Tomorrow things will change. And you might not see it, you might not notice it, but they will change. Tomorrow I will wake up, and I will look at the world with different eyes, with a clearer, more focused mind. It might be very difficult, and I will probably have to work very hard on it, but it will happen. I know it will because I will force myself to make this change happen.
Enough is enough. Time to focus and get a clearer vision in my head. I can do anything I set out to do and achieve, I know I can, I just need to be determined. And this time, I am. I just can’t forget:
Deep breaths.
Great sunshine music
Mind Over Matter (Throwing Snow Remix) by greymatter
Greymatter & Domu – We Are One (Mr Lager Remix) by greymatter
