It’s been a year since you left us and I still can’t think about you without choking up and getting a heavy heart.
Everything about last year was just so shit and your passing somehow ended up being both the worst thing that happened and the turning point for it all.
I’ve never missed you as much as I have this year…
I don’t think it’s because you haven’t been here, but because I’ve accomplished so many things that I would’ve loved to share with you. They would have made you so happy and so proud and I’m annoyed with myself for not being able to do them whilst you were still with us
We got the keys to the flat two weeks after you passed and I’m sad you weren’t able to see my (fantastic) handy work with doing it up, as well as the finished result (because let’s be honest, I clearly inherited those skills from you).
I put my heart and soul into training for that marathon in Copenhagen and even though you I’m sad that you couldn’t see me cross that finish line in person, I know you were there with me in spirit throughout that entire journey.
I did my very best with that final MA project and I know you never really understood what it was all about, but I know you would have been so proud to see me do so good against all the odds. (The one thing that they can never take away from me is my knowledge – right?)
I’m so sad that you never got the chance to go to my graduation and to see me dressed up in the gown and hat. I’m sorry I painted my nails black for the occasion, I know you would’ve hated it but I couldn’t resist the temptation of annoying you just a little bit, even if it was just in spirit.
I’m sad and a bit angry that I took our time together for granted and that I didn’t hug you extra tight that last time I saw you. I’ll never forget walking down those stairs in your building and looking up towards your door as you were waving us goodbye. Mum was crying because she insisted that it might be the last time I see you, and I hate that she was right!
I’m sad that 2014 turned out to be such a life changing year for me and that you weren’t here to experience it.
And I’m sad that you won’t be here to see and experience so many other things in my life that I would have wanted you to be part of.
I wish I could say that it gets easier with time, but it hurts just as much a year on as it did when we went to the hospital and they told us you had passed.
Not a day goes by without me thinking of you and I hope you know that I love and miss you so so much.
