I’m on my lunch break so decided to have a massive rant about an issue that will either drive me mad or give me a stomach ulcer: People on public transport in London!
I spend an average of 2½ hours commuting in London every day. I can guarantee you that if I actually carried out all the horrible things I imagine doing to other people on the tube/bus I would most likely end up in prison or a mental institution.
I have been thinking about doing a nice PDF for people to be able to download and send to their friends and family when it comes to London public transport etiquette, but I don’t have the time to make one. So instead of that I will now share a list with you that includes things that results in me hating mankind a little bit more every day:
- People who cut in front of you in the queue – Excuse me!? Have I not been standing here for longer than you? Why on earth would you think that your time is more precious than mine or that your appointment is more important than mine? Twat!
- People who walk up/down stairs/other spaces that clearly says “NO ENTRY” – What part of “NO ENTRY” do you not comprehend!? Has it ever crossed your selfish mind that you shouldn’t use “NO ENTRY” places because there are people going the opposite way? Twat!
- People who insist on pushing & shoving from behind – Pushing & shoving me from behind, stepping on my heals and generally make me feel pissed off is NOT going to make you get anywhere any faster. If I could walk any faster I would! Twat!
- People who cut in front of you/refuse to let passengers off the train first – What the heeee… You better watch out so I don’t trip you over next time you try to cut in front of me. Since when did you get a priority boarding card!? Twat!
- People who “steal” your seat – I was just polite and moved away a tiny bit so the person on the seat could get off the train. What gives you the right to cut in front and steal the seat I have been waiting for since 7 stops back?? Twat!
- People who don’t stand up & give their seat to elderly/pregnant/disabled people – I feel like smacking these idiots on the head. YOU CAN SEE THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE IN NEED OF SITTING DOWN YET YOU DECIDE TO IGNORE THEM / LOOK ELSEWHERE SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR SEAT!? DID YOUR MOTHER NOT TEACH YOU ANYTHING ABOUT RESPECT AND PROPER BEHAVIOUR YOU TWAT!
- People who don’t move when you are trying to get off the train – How many times do I have to say EXCUSE ME before you let me pass!? Or do you want a tap dance routine with some singing in order to just let me off !? Twat!
- People who insist on reading their fucking book/paper/kindle/ipad when the train is so packed that you feel like a sardine in a tin. – Look… I am already having this one persons armpit in my face, that other persons elbow in my back, that third persons foot on MY FOOT, the last thing I really need is you shoving that fucking thing in my face. Yes, because you can’t wait until you get off/home/to work to read about why Rihanna isn’t getting laid. Twat!
- People who don’t move down the carriage/bus – Just move the fuck down the carriage/bus, it’s not rocket science! For more people to fit on here you got to move down. Stop making everybody late because you don’t want to leave your precious place. Twat!
- People who obstruct the doors – There is another train in 2 minutes – 2 MINUTES!!!! Why do you need to cram yourself into an already packed carriage and delaying us all because the doors won’t close properly with your fat ass hanging out the train. WHY!?!? Twat!
- People who walk slower than if they were crawling – It’s called RUSH-hour for a reason! People are in a hurry and it would be fantastic if you could do whatever it is that you are doing on a time where you are free to be as slow and lazy as you wish, maybe on SLOW-hour, what do I know? But on RUSH-hour, we RUSH!
- People who just… stop. And stay there – What.Are.You.Doing.????!!!! If you don’t know how to read a map you and you are over 13 years old you should probably not be allowed to be in London on your own. And if you don’t know where you are going or you feel confused, it’s fine, just feel confused & lost SOMEWHERE ELSE AND NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAIRS / PATH WHERE PEOPLE ARE WALKING!
- People who eat smelly food & leave their left-overs/garbage
- People who listen to shit music very loudly on headphones/straight out of their phones
- People who insist on scream-talking on their mobiles
- People who can’t find their oysters and stand in the way for everybody whilst they look for it
- People who fart
- People who leave their bags on the seat so people can’t sit down
- People who sit on the “outer seat” and refuse to move in next to the window/wall
- People who don’t stand up to let you out from the “inner seat”
I could go on forever… but I have to get back to work. I feel much better though now that all that is out of my system.