It might seem like a weird question to ask, but:

WOULD YOU LIKE ME MORE IF I WAS SKINNY?

Why am I asking? Well, I have been thinking about this whole “skinny vs fat” thing for a while. Reasons for this being many, but mainly because we are approaching 2010 and I realised this week that I have been in a constant “battle” with my weight for almost 10 years now. I wouldn’t say that I have a low self-esteem, however, when it comes to my appearance, I would say I have around zero confidence.

This zero confidence in the way I look is rooted in many things, but what made me think about and analyse these past 10 years was my mothers suggestion to get liposuction over the holidays to boost my confidence and motivate me to lose weight (and I am sorry mum for sharing this, but I felt like I had to get this all off my chest).

When my mum suggested this, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond or take it. Was I meant to get offended? Was I meant to get happy? I had very mixed feelings if I am honest, but I do know she suggested it because she loves me, and she wants me to be happy, and even more so, be happy with myself.

If I look back, I have been on almost every single diet there is, my parents suggested that I join weight watchers when I was 15 years old, which I did. Although losing all that weight might have been a confidence boost, I don’t think it really made me happy. I mean, I personally feel like there has always been too much focus from my family’s side (and our family friends) on my weight and how I look. Even if I now somehow can appreciate the fact that all those diets I was “recommended” to go on, and all those remarks & comments about my weight and my looks, were made out of love, I don’t think anybody ever realised the massive negative impact it had on me, and my perception of myself and how I look.

Then I moved to England, and safe to say, people weren’t as attractive here as in Sweden (no offence but its true!). I started feeling a bit better about myself, but it always stressed me out when I had to travel home, as I knew in advance that the first main focus from my family would be “have you lost or gained weight!?”.

I haven’t been home in Sweden since April this year, and now that my trip back is getting closer, I can feel how I am slowly starting to freak out a bit about what people will say and think about me. And it is so stupid…

I mean, this is not me trying say “its right or wrong to be skinny or fat”, this is just a personal reflection on a subject that has been one of the main focuses during most of my life. And the reason I have decided to bring it up (trust me, it took me a lot of guts to talk about this…) is because I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life being obsessed with my weight.

From a health perspective, it might be sensible for me to lose a couple of pounds. And yes, people might find me slightly more attractive if I lost weight (although I am not too sure about it), clothes might fit a bit nicer, hmmm what else? Apart from the health aspect, I can’t think of any other valid reasons.

Would it make me happier? I guess I won’t know until I try. But yet again, I doubt it.

So that is why I am asking you the question. Because I am not convinced that it matters so much in the end. And if it doesn’t, then why the hell have I been wasting my time obsessing about it, feeling bad and guilty about it? Why on earth have I made such a fucking big fuss about it?…