I died today.
I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I did. I haven’t felt that feeling for many years, 9 to be exact…
Your heart starts rushing at an extreme speed and you get uncontrollably hot. You try to gasp for air but it feels like you have a massive stone on your chest, and the harder you try to breath, the less oxygen you seem to be getting and the dizzier you are feeling. Your eyes get filled with tears and you don’t know if this sudden need to cry comes from the panic you are feeling or the pain from your heart that feels like it is about to explode.
I felt like I was suddenly about to faint in the office but I somehow managed to keep my body in check, which is more than I managed to do last time I felt this way. As soon as I stepped out of the door, the tears just started running down my face. I ran around the corner and almost collapsed on the street. Tried to focus on breathing but my heart was pounding so hard in my chest and the tears were burning my cheeks so badly it felt like somebody was pouring acid down my face.
I sat there, on the ground, for maybe 20 minutes. My entire life flashed before my eyes. Every heartbreak, every heartache, every let down, every fear I had ever felt or experienced didn’t even come close to what I was feeling. And then it all went blank.
It felt like I was lifted out of my body, looking down on myself, and all I could feel was this massive emptiness coming over me.
What followed after was a pure automatic reaction. I got up, walked around the corner and got on the bus. I noticed that the tears were still running down my face but I couldn’t stop them. Like somehow my body was doing things but my mind was somewhere else, detached from everything.
I got off at my stop and started walking home. And then all of the sudden, this tornado of emotions swept over me out of the blue and I had to rush down the stairs from the main road to throw up in the bushes.
9 years since my first love broke my heart. 9 years since I made a promise to myself to never ever allow myself to feel this way again.
9 years of complete waste.
ME & MY BLOG ARE FINALLY BACK!
yaaay!
Massive thank you to @bkcl for this amazing gift! A wonderful and summer sweet mix to cheer me up. I really am spoiled when it comes to fantastic friends! Get it here!
today has proven to be a difficult day. didn’t get as much sleep as i hoped and i am struggling to keep the tears away. keep catching myself staring into space, mind blank, just an empty and lonely feeling inside. trying to push through it, snap out of it, take deep breaths and remind myself that it will become better. but it’s just not that easy, at least not today…
i’ve been in so much pain today. i feel exhausted. tried to have a relaxing evening but for no real use. early night tonight, just hope i can keep the bad thoughts away and manage to get some proper sleep. it’s been over a week and i don’t think i can take it much longer without completely falling apart.
what a week… i am actually amazed that i pulled through as well as i did. before i go on, i have to give a massive thank you to all my friends (both offline and online) for being such an amazing source of strength, support and all around love. you have been incredible and i can’t even imagine what i would have done without you.
i am quite proud of myself because i think i dealt with it all in the most mature way that i possibly could. as much as i could have (and as so many people have done before), i didn’t curse or hang him out on twitter or facebook or anywhere else. yes admittedly i wrote that blog post, but that was more a reflection of how i felt about the situation and him at the time, and unless you knew who he was, i wouldn’t say it was that easy to figure it out.
having that said, it has been a very difficult week though. i remember sitting outside in the garden last sunday at 2:30am, crying my eyes out, cursing the world and my heart, promising myself that i would never ever do this again. then monday came and i felt like i was trapped in a bad dream, not being able to shake the feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger. i wrote the post in hopes that it would help me get everything out, but then tuesday came and the shit hit the fan when i got accused for a bunch of things that were so detached from reality that i began to wonder if we had been involved in two completely different relationships. i felt even more hurt and even more certain that love really was a losing game. wednesday came and left, and i was prepared to take my heart and put it in a freezer. but then thursday arrived and literally everything went wrong. after 4 rather sleepless nights and the worst possible day at work, not only was i fully ready to give up on love, but i also felt like jumping in front of a train. but then i went and had dinner with a close friend, and on my way home i had a moment of clarity:
the only person who would end up losing if i gave up on love and turned my heart to stone would be me. it takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage to be able to love and care with such a big heart as i do. and yes, i do get burnt and i do get fucked over more than plenty of times. but at least i have the courage to carry on and maintain the faith that one day it will all pay off, a quality i think many people have either lost or simply shut down because they think it makes them stronger. people might say that i am stupid and naive, and that i have myself to blame, and maybe they are right. all i know is that i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t believe in love, and if i didn’t care for those around me as much as i do. too many people in the world take love, both the act of giving and receiving, for granted. but the truth is, it’s not that easy, and i think it takes a lot of a person to be able to give so much, and sometimes receive so little in return, yet being able to maintain the faith that one day it will all come back to you.
i can’t change the past, so i see no reason why i should dwell on it. what’s done has been done, and i need to focus my energy on getting back on track and stay positive about the future, instead of self-destructing and living in the past.
like so many of you said, it’s his loss. i gave all i could give, and if that wasn’t enough and if he didn’t feel like it was worth fighting for, then maybe, just maybe, im actually much better off without him.
tomorrow is yet another new beginning, and even though some days are more difficult than others, i will get through this, and i will rise up stronger than i was before.
the past 30 odd hours have been some kind of a haze, like i have been trapped in a horrible nightmare, not being able to wake up no matter how hard i have tried.
it’s weird how these things happen, love, heartache, heartbreak… especially when you look at it from a slightly different perspective:
it took me about 8 hours to get intrigued by him,
and 2 months of his company to fall head over heels for him.
i travelled about 463 km for us to have our first kiss,
and it took him 2160 minutes to ask me to be his girlfriend.
i needed 89 days until i fully trusted him and let him in,
he needed 1 sentence to completely break my heart.
“I dont think we are going to work at the moment, i like you but, i dont give you what you need… i dont make you happy, whether its the distance or just me.. and i dont know when we will be in the same city”
i pretty much cried non-stop for about 10 hours after he uttered it. every single word was like a dagger through my heart, (and they still are), leaving me weak and shaken. like something had sucked all the life out of me, and i was left cold and breathless.
i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. how could he do this? a man that i trusted, a man that i had tried to help and support in every situation, a man that i had given so much of myself to, a man that wasn’t only supposed to be my partner but also my friend, a person i could rely on when i needed. how could he turn around and without a warning, simply dismiss me like i was some piece of garbage off the street, not worth fighting for, not even worth making an effort for.
i felt like such an idiot and such a fool. an idiot for thinking he was different and a fool for thinking he’d never put me through something like this. once again i was wrong. and once again my heart was ripped out of my chest and smashed into a million pieces.
people wonder why i have such a low self-esteem, i would say it is mostly due to situations like these. situations where i let people in, care about them and trust them, only for them to turn around and completely crush me by making me feel so utterly insignificant and absolutely worthless.
