So, I thought last weeks news of getting in on the MA course I had applied for was as good as it gets. As it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong…
Today I was notified that my application for a scholarship towards my MA fees had been approved and that I had been granted £5000, which basically means my fees will be half of the original sum.
I had to read the email five times before my brain could process what had happened because I initially opened it with a clear conviction that my application had been turned down.
Since nobody was in the office, I spent the next three minutes screaming and jumping of joy, until I burst into tears and had to sit down so I wouldn’t faint.
By any standards, this is a big deal, it’s not everyday somebody offers you £5000. But for me this meant so much more than just money.
In my application I had to write about three things:
1. My qualifications and professional achievements
2. Why I wanted to do the course, what skills I was hoping to gain and how they would be useful in my professional life
3. What professional and personal skills I had that could be useful for my fellow distance students
I practically poured my heart out in 500 words for each section, telling the board about all the hard work I’ve done so far, all my ambitions for the future, and what skills and experience I think I can bring to the table.
As always, it didn’t feel like enough, and just as my mum had sounded unconvinced about my chances when I had told her over the phone that I was thinking of applying, that little voice inside my head was telling that I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
But then the email arrived and it felt like the biggest stone was lifted off my chest. Not because of the money, but because I had told a group of people who I don’t know about what I have done in my life so far, what I had gained from it, and what my ambitions for the future were, and they didn’t reject me.
As cliché as it might sound, I’ve always known that I’m destined for great things, and whilst I haven’t been able to predict what those things are, I know deep in my heart that it has to do with music because there is nothing else I love more and feel more passionate about.
These past 6 years have been a struggle, and to be quite frank, I have been working my ass off. And as you know, sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation and inner strength to soldier on when people are telling you that youre overworked and underpaid and that they don’t really see a future or benefit in what you are doing.
But even in my darkest hours, when I thought that life couldn’t get more shit, that I couldn’t feel more lonely and that I couldn’t be any poorer, I didn’t give up on my dream, my gut feeling and my passion (no matter how much moaning and complaining I did throughout it all on the blog).
So today’s email about the scholarship was not just about money. To me it was written proof that if you know what you want and work hard for it, life will give you a break, you just have to go for it no matter how scary the changes from that break might seem.
Don’t let the fear of change and/or the fear of failing stop you if you know what you want. I’m scared shitless of doing this MA, just like I’m scared/nervous every time I do a radio show and a DJ gig, and a year ago this time, I was scared about the new job I had accepted at Fat City/Jazzman.
The point im trying to make is that if you read this blog regularly you know that I’m stupidly insecure about many things, and most of the time for no real reason. I am insecure because I’m scared, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do the things I’m scared of.
Phew! I’m starting to sound like some kind of life coach here, haha, sorry! I do hope you get the point I’m trying to get across though. I know that a lot of people didn’t think I would get this far, and truthfully, sometimes I didn’t either. But I did and I’m going to make sure that I do my very best when it comes to this MA and get as much as I possibly can out of it.
Oh and if you’ve actually read this far – I salute you! Now I need sleep.