COME AND JOIN ME TONIGHT AT THE BIG CHILL HOUSE FROM 7PM FOR A LIVE LITTLE MISS SUNSHIINE SESSION!
It’s for Mixcloud’s second birthday and funnily enough, I’m also celebrating two years of my show :)
If you can’t make it down, then you can stream the whole night from http://mixlr.com/mixcloud/live
So, I thought last weeks news of getting in on the MA course I had applied for was as good as it gets. As it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong…
Today I was notified that my application for a scholarship towards my MA fees had been approved and that I had been granted £5000, which basically means my fees will be half of the original sum.
I had to read the email five times before my brain could process what had happened because I initially opened it with a clear conviction that my application had been turned down.
Since nobody was in the office, I spent the next three minutes screaming and jumping of joy, until I burst into tears and had to sit down so I wouldn’t faint.
By any standards, this is a big deal, it’s not everyday somebody offers you £5000. But for me this meant so much more than just money.
In my application I had to write about three things:
1. My qualifications and professional achievements
2. Why I wanted to do the course, what skills I was hoping to gain and how they would be useful in my professional life
3. What professional and personal skills I had that could be useful for my fellow distance students
I practically poured my heart out in 500 words for each section, telling the board about all the hard work I’ve done so far, all my ambitions for the future, and what skills and experience I think I can bring to the table.
As always, it didn’t feel like enough, and just as my mum had sounded unconvinced about my chances when I had told her over the phone that I was thinking of applying, that little voice inside my head was telling that I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
But then the email arrived and it felt like the biggest stone was lifted off my chest. Not because of the money, but because I had told a group of people who I don’t know about what I have done in my life so far, what I had gained from it, and what my ambitions for the future were, and they didn’t reject me.
As cliché as it might sound, I’ve always known that I’m destined for great things, and whilst I haven’t been able to predict what those things are, I know deep in my heart that it has to do with music because there is nothing else I love more and feel more passionate about.
These past 6 years have been a struggle, and to be quite frank, I have been working my ass off. And as you know, sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation and inner strength to soldier on when people are telling you that youre overworked and underpaid and that they don’t really see a future or benefit in what you are doing.
But even in my darkest hours, when I thought that life couldn’t get more shit, that I couldn’t feel more lonely and that I couldn’t be any poorer, I didn’t give up on my dream, my gut feeling and my passion (no matter how much moaning and complaining I did throughout it all on the blog).
So today’s email about the scholarship was not just about money. To me it was written proof that if you know what you want and work hard for it, life will give you a break, you just have to go for it no matter how scary the changes from that break might seem.
Don’t let the fear of change and/or the fear of failing stop you if you know what you want. I’m scared shitless of doing this MA, just like I’m scared/nervous every time I do a radio show and a DJ gig, and a year ago this time, I was scared about the new job I had accepted at Fat City/Jazzman.
The point im trying to make is that if you read this blog regularly you know that I’m stupidly insecure about many things, and most of the time for no real reason. I am insecure because I’m scared, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do the things I’m scared of.
Phew! I’m starting to sound like some kind of life coach here, haha, sorry! I do hope you get the point I’m trying to get across though. I know that a lot of people didn’t think I would get this far, and truthfully, sometimes I didn’t either. But I did and I’m going to make sure that I do my very best when it comes to this MA and get as much as I possibly can out of it.
Oh and if you’ve actually read this far – I salute you! Now I need sleep.
Evening! So Im drowning my Monday Blues with a cup of tea. Not sure when I became a tea drinker, but I guess peppermint isn’t “really” tea. Slightly sad Im missing out on my induction week at uni, tried to record a video but sadly I don’t have a mic for this laptop and the desktop that has a mic doesnt have a camera… Got a million things I need to get on with and finish, and Im just not in the mood. Oh well. I might make another cuppa and see if I can jump-start my poor brain. Please refer to the picture below for how my brain feels at the moment.
To celebrate today’s great news I’m sharing my new Little Miss Sunshiine with you one day early.
Make sure you tune in, not just because of the music, but because I am hosting a competition as a small “thank you for all your support”!
Happy listening, I hope you enjoy it!
What can I say… First time I heard this EP I started crying.
Stand out tracks (for me) are “Maybe A Dream” produced by Om Unit and “Stormy Weather” produced by Kidkanevil.
Amenta is a very dear friend of mine and it fills my heart and soul with so much love and joy when I hear what a long way she has come musically (and in a way, despite it sounding cheesy, spiritually). This EP is such a fantastic representation of her I think. She is an extremely talented, brave and wonderful young woman, but just like the rest of us, also very vulnerable at times, and I think that all shines through, especially on the first and last track.
So well done L! I am so incredibly proud of you! xxx
Hello my friends!
As you know from a few weeks back, I have had some life-changing news to share with you, but because I didn’t want to jump the gun and tell you before it was 100% confirmed, I left you waiting in dispense… until now!
I am extremely happy, excited and proud to say that I applied to do an MA in Music Industries at BCU and got accepted!! YAAAAY!!!!
Some of you might say that me getting accepted was a no-brainer considering I’ve been working on-&-off in the Music Industry for a while, but let me tell you something, it definitely wasn’t!
Before I started my BA I had this glorified image of university and what it would be like, and sadly, my university years were mostly horrible and down-right depressing. And if that wasn’t enough, there was never really any encouragement or help from any of my lecturers either, despite the fact that I, in a way, were paying them for a service. They had their small share of “favourites” who they helped and “took care of”, and in a way wrote the rest of us off – or that’s what it felt like anyway because I never ever got the support or help or encouragement that I wanted/needed/asked for. They just made me feel really shit and stupid.
In hindsight, I can probably say that the only positive thing that came out of my bad uni experience was that I, in a way, worked much harder in my “working life” to make up for all the things I thought I had been bad at when it came to my studies, and had that not been the case, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today.
But having that said, I’m slightly torn about how to feel about getting accepted. I mean… I am genuinely so so sooooo happy and excited about the prospect of working with fantastic people like Andrew Dubber, Tim Wall, Jon Hickman and more. And I know that if it hadn’t been for Andrew’s encouragement to apply this year and Tim’s great advice and help on whether I would have time to do it part-time and work full-time, I probably wouldn’t have applied and got accepted in the first place. But honestly speaking, I am also shitting myself because I’m slightly insecure and scared that I might not be cut out for it, not smart enough and so on.
However, I have decided to ignore those feelings for the time being and just enjoy being happy and excited and proud.
Hello my friends!
Another weekend is almost upon us, so I figured I would share this little gem to get you in the right weekend mood.
Basically, to mark the 25th Anniversary of the wonderful Gilles Peterson broadcasts for the BBC, the Mucho Soul crew have uploaded very first show Gilles did for the BBC back in the mid 80s! It was recorded a month (exactly) after I was born, namely on September 2nd 1986, the show was called Mad On Jazz and aired weekly on Radio London 94.9 FM every Tuesday.
Been listening to it all morning and all I can say is *swoon*. It still feels & sounds fresh 25 years later, and I have to admit, it has made me love Mr P just a tiny bit more.
Play some more of this stuff on your current show Gilles, not just in the basement! ;)
Hope you enjoy guys, happy Friday! xxx
Morning all!
Just read the previous entry, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Too serious and overly analytical for my own good, especially when I’m left on my own. Oh well, it is what it is, Im sure it will work out in the end.
Anywaaaay, couldn’t get this Weldon Irvine tune out of my head this morning… slightly fitting considering the circumstances.
Ever been in the position where you try so hard not to think about something that you end up constantly thinking about it? Yeah, well that’s the situation I’m in. And the harder I try not to, the more difficult it gets, and the more I keep obsessing about it. Kind of like the whole “don’t press the red button” thing, all you want to do is to press the goddamn button!
Despite my greatest efforts of trying to ignore a certain thing that’s happened in my life recently, I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible. I initially didn’t want to write anything about it on the blog, but a month has gone by and the more I try to just get on with things and not think about it, the more it somehow consumes me in the worst possible way.
Seeing as I usually feel better when I write things down, I figured I would give it a go…
I often wonder if I am a bad person. I mean, I know I’m not perfect, and I know that I’ve hurt people in the past (even if it wasn’t my intention), and some of them stuck around despite all of it, whilst some of them disappeared. Such is life I guess… I just cant stop doing this stupid “self-analysis” all the time.
I know from experience that sometimes you end up hurting people without even realising that you’re doing it. And it might only be after the dust settles, or some years down the line, or when somebody ends up doing the same thing to you, that it finally hits you. It’s happened to me a few times and once I’ve been able to see the picture from a different perspective, I always feel so fucking horrible and ashamed of myself.
And I wish I could call those people and go “I get it! I finally get why you thought I was such a dickhead! I am so sorry for not realising it back then, and I’m so sorry for all the pain and hurt I might have caused you.” But of course, I never do… Not because I don’t want to, but I get the feeling that they might not want to hear from me, or at least not hear from me where I dig up all that shit from the past.
Which brings me to my current dilemma. What do you do when somebody you love and care about pushes you away? And not just once, but several times. Normally, especially in this specific situation, I would fight for it not to happen, and I would take on all the blame and all the faults, and accept being the person in the wrong, and swallow my pride, and basically make so many exceptions that I normally never would, just to be able to be in that persons life.
But just like most people, I have my limits, and maybe I was pushed too far, I don’t know… All I know is that it came to a point where I had enough. No matter what I said or what I did, I somehow ended up being the person in the wrong. And maybe that was a consequence of me willingly taking on that role in the past to somehow uphold the peace, but let me tell you something, it’s absolutely exhausting having to do it all the time!
When it all happened I was just tired angry, but the anger quickly disappeared, and as time passed by, the more sad I became, and the sadder I became, the more I started to question my role in what had happened.
Maybe I am a selfish bitch? Maybe I am the kind of person who uses people to get ahead and then chuck them away when I have no use for them? Maybe I am the kind of person who doesn’t give a shit about anybody else apart from myself? Maybe I am a really horrible person and somehow, I’ve become so delusional that I don’t think I am?
Or maybe I’m just stupid? Maybe I shouldn’t take and accept so much shit from people I love, because then it will somehow be expected of me to do it all the time? And if I am so stupid that I put up with it for so long, then I kind of deserve it all if it comes back and slaps me in the face. But do I really?
I’m going to be honest with you – I don’t have a fucking idea…
It’s been a month and I still don’t have any answers or solutions. I wish I could take all these feelings and thoughts, put them all in a tiny box, close it up and hide it somewhere far far away. But I can’t. Just like I can’t stop the guilt and bad feelings that sweep over me whenever I am reminded of the people I accidentally hurt in the past.
I might not be the best person in the world, but I try to be as good as I possibly can. And on occasions, I do fuck up, we all do, it’s part of being human. So maybe I shouldn’t get so hung up about these sort of things and just carry on with my life.
I just find it extremely difficult.
