Good evening,

I apologise for the lack up posts this week, but I was very ill most of the week and simply didn’t have the energy to write. But now another Saturday has almost passed by, and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Not just today, but as always, when I am locked inside with only my thoughts to keep me company, like I have been this week, my head goes into overload and starts analysing everything. Since I can’t seem to be able shake some of these feelings and thoughts, I figured I would write them down. Who knows,  you might have some advice or comments…

The past 4 days I have been thinking a lot about myself, my life, what I want to do, what I have to do, what I want from life, and maybe most importantly, what I want and expect from myself.

I’m going to lie, I am scared of so many things. I am scared of never finding true love, of ending up alone, of not being able to live my life to the fullest, of sacrificing things I love for things I think I “have to do” or simply just prioritising things wrong. I am scared of failing, of letting people down, but most of all, of letting myself down. (We all know I am my own worst critic) Some people might see this as a weakness, the fact that I am scared, I personally see it as a strength. Maybe not the being scared part, but the fact that I acknowledge that I am, and that I actively try to find the courage inside of me to at least try to change the things in my life that I am not happy with.

I realised two things this week. One, so many people out there are scared shitless of being themselves because they are afraid of how people will react, and as a consequence, being judged. Two, many people out there are scared shitless of following their hearts and doing the things they love, simply because if they fail, what will they have left?

My mum called me to cheer me up on Wednesday night, and she was telling me once again that she thinks I should move back home to Sweden as my life would be so much easier and I would be closer to my family. Some how this discussion lead on to the subject of music, and I was telling her about all the amazing things that have been happening the past few months, and that I can’t leave because I feel it in my heart that this is the place where I have to and want to be. I asked her if she could imagine me without music in my life, and she started laughing and told me that even as a three year old I knew over 100 songs and nursery rhymes by heart, and that I used to break out in song to random people. She said that I wouldn’t be me without music, and I agree.

Somehow I think that is one of the main reasons why I might seem and/or feel different from so many people out there. Just like I have never been able to deny the fact that music is a part of me, I have never been able to deny me, the person who I am. No matter how scared I am or have been, I have always tried to follow my heart, tried to be true to myself and the person I am. I have been through some very low periods and some very high periods in my life, and yes, from time to time I have lost hope, but I have never stopped believing. And I think that is a very crucial thing in life, to believe, but maybe most importantly, to believe in yourself.

So what is my point with all this? Well, this week it kind of hit me that no matter how insecure I feel/have felt from time to time, no matter how scared I am/have been, no matter how sad or lonely I feel/have felt from time to time, I’ve never really stopped believing in the fact that I was meant to do what ever I am doing. And the fact that I believe makes me not only stronger, but it gives me the strength to carry on.

A lot of people tend to forget that I moved to London almost 4 years ago now, knowing virtually nobody. I came here because I was following a dream and a heart that kept screaming London was were I had to be. I could have stayed in Sweden, lived at home, gotten a free university degree, saved a LOT of money, and lived a fairly easy and care free life. But I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I probably never would have made it this far without the amazing support and help from friends and family. But what I am saying is that at 19, I had the courage to leave my entire life behind me to do something I had dreamt of doing since I was a little girl.

And it makes me sad that so many people deny themselves their chance of doing what they want to do. Just as much as it makes me sad when I see or hear about people denying themselves, as in, who they are, because they are afraid of being rejected or judged by others. I would say that the people who reject or judge people for shallow things are the kind of people who are mostly insecure with themselves, and being judgemental towards others is a way for them to make themselves feel better. Although I might be wrong…

Maybe I am just naive or maybe it’s all in my head, but I feel like there’s not enough people who talk about these things. They don’t talk about their fears, their weaknesses. I am aware of the fact that it might not be something you casually bring up in the company of people you don’t not know very well, and yes, there are a lot of things that I don’t share with people. But still, does it make me a ‘weak’ person because I feel all these things? In my opinion, it makes me human… and at the end of the day, that’s what we all are. I guess one of the main differences between people is that no matter how shit or amazing life is, the majority of us seem to go to bed at night wishing we have done things differently, whilst a very little group of us go to bed being thankful for having the courage to follow our heart.

Tagged: on Saturday, August 29, 2009 · 8 Comments »