what a week… i am actually amazed that i pulled through as well as i did. before i go on, i have to give a massive thank you to all my friends (both offline and online) for being such an amazing source of strength, support and all around love. you have been incredible and i can’t even imagine what i would have done without you.

i am quite proud of myself because i think i dealt with it all in the most mature way that i possibly could. as much as i could have (and as so many people have done before), i didn’t curse or hang him out on twitter or facebook or anywhere else. yes admittedly i wrote that blog post, but that was more a reflection of how i felt about the situation and him at the time, and unless you knew who he was, i wouldn’t say it was that easy to figure it out.

having that said, it has been a very difficult week though. i remember sitting outside in the garden last sunday at 2:30am, crying my eyes out, cursing the world and my heart, promising myself that i would never ever do this again. then monday came and i felt like i was trapped in a bad dream, not being able to shake the feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger. i wrote the post in hopes that it would help me get everything out, but then tuesday came and the shit hit the fan when i got accused for a bunch of things that were so detached from reality that i began to wonder if we had been involved in two completely different relationships. i felt even more hurt and even more certain that love really was a losing game. wednesday came and left, and i was prepared to take my heart and put it in a freezer. but then thursday arrived and literally everything went wrong. after 4 rather sleepless nights and the worst possible day at work, not only was i fully ready to give up on love, but i also felt like jumping in front of a train. but then i went and had dinner with a close friend, and on my way home i had a moment of clarity:

the only person who would end up losing if i gave up on love and turned my heart to stone would be me. it takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage to be able to love and care with such a big heart as i do. and yes, i do get burnt and i do get fucked over more than plenty of times. but at least i have the courage to carry on and maintain the faith that one day it will all pay off, a quality i think many people have either lost or simply shut down because they think it makes them stronger. people might say that i am stupid and naive, and that i have myself to blame, and maybe they are right. all i know is that i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t believe in love, and if i didn’t care for those around me as much as i do. too many people in the world take love, both the act of giving and receiving, for granted. but the truth is, it’s not that easy, and i think it takes a lot of a person to be able to give so much, and sometimes receive so little in return, yet being able to maintain the faith that one day it will all come back to you.

i can’t change the past, so i see no reason why i should dwell on it. what’s done has been done, and i need to focus my energy on getting back on track and stay positive about the future, instead of self-destructing and living in the past.

like so many of you said, it’s his loss. i gave all i could give, and if that wasn’t enough and if he didn’t feel like it was worth fighting for, then maybe, just maybe, im actually much better off without him.

tomorrow is yet another new beginning, and even though some days are more difficult than others, i will get through this, and i will rise up stronger than i was before.