Good evening my friends,

I hope you have had a nice day. I am typing this from the bus on my way home. It’s been a long day and I can’t wait to get home to an empty house, put on some comfy clothes, have a glass of wine, curl up on one of the massive sofas in the lounge, and start putting together next weeks radio show.

It’s been a very hectic and stressful 1,5 month with a lot of things happening, and I think all the madness is slowly catching up with me.

As you might know I was ill a couple of weeks ago, and even though I’m not throwing up anymore, I think my stomach is suffering from all the unintential stress that I seem to be putting it through. I think I need to go back to the doctor and make sure they take a lot more tests because I don’t know how much longer I can carry on with this.

The people who know me and those of you who have been following the blog know that I have some kind of weird illness with my stomach, an illness that I’ve had since I was very young, and an illness that doctors haven’t been able to diagnose for over 15 years now…

If I’m honest with you, I’m just tired. I’m tired of almost always being in pain, of being bloated, of going up & down in weight, of all these mood swings and depressions and various mental tricks this illness is playing on my mind.

I’m starting to think that I’m having a split personality caused by all this. The happy, smiley, confident Orsi who enjoys life, and the sad, insecure, depressed Orsi who just wants to hide from the world because she doesn’t think she is good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, the list can be made endless.

And it makes me so angry because I don’t want to be like the latter one. I don’t want to wake up every morning and hate the person that is looking back at me in the mirror. But unfortunitely this person appears at least twice a year, and I feel so powerless since I can’t control her and I can’t prepare myself for her return, it just happens from one day to another.

Or maybe I’m just fooling myself, maybe it has nothing to do with my stomach, maybe it’s all in my head… I don’t know.

But what I do know is that this journey is taking way too long, and I might burst into tears any second, so I better put my phone away and just focus on the music playing in my headphones.

Sorry for the random rant and for being in a weird mood. Tomorrow is a new day, that hopefully will be better. Much love! x

Tagged: on Wednesday, September 16, 2009 · 1 Comment »