I had an early start to my Sunday today, got up 8am in order to make my way down to the breakfast club for American pancakes & free wifi. Managed to send off my new radio show in time, post two blog posts, and on my way back home I couldn’t help but to admire London in this beautiful autumn weather. I got home, checked off some items on my to do list, washed the dirty dishes, and decided to give my mum a call whilst enjoying a fresh cup of coffee. Little did I know that she would tell me that one of my grandmas best friends had passed away… She told me she was on her way over to see her and that she’d call me back so I could speak with her and try to cheer her up.
And so now I sit here on the sofa, with the sun shining in through the window, and I can see how my teardrops slightly sparkle as they fall to the ground. I know we can’t escape death, but it just seems like death is slowly taking more and more of my family friends. And I can’t help but to wonder how long it will be until I get the phonecall telling me that one of my grand parents have passed away.
I know that day will have to come, but just the thought of it really scares me… We’re only 5 people in my family, and that’s including myself. I don’t have any brothers or sisters, and neither do my parents. I was brought up very close to my grand parents, and since I moved to London, especially since I started working, I have seen them less & less. And even though I probably shouldn’t, I feel so guilty for not being there in times like these.
I’m not ashamed to admit that my biggest fear in life is to end up alone. And knowing that 2/5 of my family might soon be taken away from me doesn’t really help. Just the thought of losing them makes me cry, and I’m dreading the day they won’t be around. No matter how fucked up and dysfunctional my family is, it’s mine, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am today if it wasn’t for them. So I can’t even begin to try to express the emptiness and sadness I would feel if I lost one of them. It would be like losing 1/5 of myself…
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