So it is Sunday and I have spent most of this week being ill with food poisoning. I have had a lot of time to think about things this week, which can be both positive and negative I guess.  I have been getting a lot of emails and comments and messages recently about love, and relationships, and if I am in love or in a relationship, or what the fuck is actually up with me and the posts and pictures I have been putting up lately.

My dear friends: Nothing is up.

I am not in love. Nowhere near a relationship. All those images and texts just represent what I don’t really have in my life at the moment.

A friend of mine told me quite recently that I shouldn’t count or depend on anybody else apart from myself to make me happy and I have been thinking a lot about this statement. Unless I am having a bad day (or sometimes bad week) I am genuinely a very happy person. However, despite what many people seem to think, I am also a rather lonely person. For a very long time now, it was my own choice to be alone. Not only because I went from one relationship to another that didn’t work out for various reasons, but also because I felt like I needed some time to figure out what I wanted, from a relationship, from life, from myself…

I wish I could tell you that I have all the answers now, but I don’t. I have a vague idea of what I want from a love and relationship point of view, however, even that vague idea seems to change with time, just as I am changing. If I am honest, I have spent so much time trying not get attached to people, trying not fall for them, and the few times I failed, I spent a lot of time trying to get over my feelings, get over the heartbreak of not being wanted, desperately trying to shield my heart from the outside world, mostly because of fear. And now I feel like that is all  I have left. Fear.

Love scares me. But what scares me even more is that my fear of love, or more precisely, fear of falling in love,  could result in me ending up alone. And it might sound silly, but I cant think of a bigger punishment in life (at least for myself) than having to spend it alone.

For me, love is like an addiction. It makes me feel like I can do anything, like everything is possible. I do acknowledge the fact that I have a lot of love in my life, because I have my family, my friends, music… but it’s just not the same. I have never been the girl who has dreamed about marriage, I mean, I just have to look at my parents failed marriage to realise that people change with time and sometimes they grow apart, for better and for worse. And maybe there isn’t just one person, “the one”, for everybody. I guess that has more to do with life and how it decides to interfere with us, and what actions we choose to take and paths we decide to walk. But no matter how strong and independent I want to be, it would be nice sharing my journey through life with another person.

Now maybe that person won’t be “the one”, and maybe that person in fact will be more than just one person. This I do not know because I can’t see into the future. And who knows, maybe in 6 months time, or 6 years time, I will feel completely different about this subject.

But as of now, I am tired of being alone. And there is nothing else I would rather have than somebody to talk to, somebody to share my ideas and thoughts and happiness and insecurities and joys and fears and good days and bad days with. Somebody to take care of me when I need it, motivate me when I feel like giving up, tell me off when I am being an idiot, inspire me when I lack passion and creativity, hug me when I am having a bad day, take my hand and guide me when I am feeling lost, but most importantly, love me when I feel like I least deserve it.

And maybe I am a fool for wanting this, but in that case, I guess it is a price I am willing to pay. At least for the time being…

Tagged: on Sunday, November 29, 2009 · 1 Comment »