Evening my friends… Sorry for the lack of updates, it’s been a bit of a difficult time for me lately. I think I am depressed, or at least that I was, can’t really tell any more if I am honest.
I haven’t really been able to put what I am feeling into words, and to be honest, I kind of shied away from people.
I think it got to a point with my old job where I basically broke down without really realising it, and I just kept pushing on, making the situation worse. Then I went home to Sweden for a week, and although it was nice, it also stirred up a lot of emotions and memories, as it always does I guess. I got back to London and did my last 2 weeks and by the end of it, I literally feel apart. Then I started my new job – that I love - and tried to consume myself with more work so I could forget and ignore the fact that I was feeling horrible.
Without going into too much detail of other things that happened throughout that period, this massive void inside of me appeared again, and I just felt like no matter what I did or said, I somehow was to blame for everything that was going on. You know, the same old story – trusting people, relying on people, doing everything in my power to help but ending up with broken promises, tears, feeling like an idiot and so on. I written about it so many times that Im not going to waste time writing it again, you get the gist.
All those things combined with my own insecurities just left me absolutely shattered. I felt useless, unwanted, unloved, lonely, powerless. Then the nightmares started about 2 weeks ago leaving me sleep deprived. If that wasn’t enough, my stomach also started being more painful than usual, leaving me in constant pain all the time. I started feeling uncomfortable in people’s company, shying away from everybody, feeling like I was too ugly, too stupid, and basically just completely worthless… I just wanted to hide from the world and cry, cry and forget that I ever existed, that I ever loved, that I ever tried, because what was the point when all I could feel was all this pain inside of me.
And just when I thought I had hit rock bottom, I had a brief conversation with my friend Owen who said something that literally shook me to the core. He went:
“You dont deserve all this pain and sorrow. You are such a gem of a girl and so much more so when you smile. I love it when you do, you have the amazing ability to light up the whole room. And when I see it, everyone else sees it too and smiles back”
That’s when it dawned upon me that – FUCK! he was right! It might sound stupidly obvious, but sometimes it can be difficult to see or realise the most easiest and obvious things because you are so consumed by other more negative things and thoughts.
So I decided that I had enough. I missed that person, in fact, I was and am that person!
I always thought that my biggest problems was that I care too much. I care too much about other people and I always try to see the best in them. Even when they hurt me, when they literally rip me to pieces and kick me when I am down, I still continue to care and support and nurture and love, because that’s what friends do right? But then again, do real friends really do things like that to you? I guess that is questionable.
Either way, I realised this weekend that my problem isn’t that I care too much, or that I always try to see the best in people, because even though some people might disagree, I think those are two very remarkable and rare traits that not many people seem to possess or show nowadays, and I am actually quite proud of myself that despite being burnt and let down so many times, I havent lost or killed off those traits in me.
Because when I really look at my situation and am honest with myself, I think my two biggest problems are the fact that I take everything too personally, and that when I do care and love somebody, I want to protect and save them from anything that might hurt them.
And I simply have to learn that I cant.
I cant take things too personally because most of the time when people hurt me the problem lies with them and not me. But I always assume that it is me and blame myself and feel guilty, which is wrong, and I shouldnt.
I cant save and protect people from everything bad, because at the end of the day, no matter how much I fight for them, if they are not willing to fight for themselves, then there isn’t much I can do. So I shouldn’t take it it so damn personally and see it as a personal failure. Because let’s face it, I have enough problems of my own, and even if I don’t mind, in fact, even if I happily help and want to help people out, I shouldn’t let it get me down so much if I cant. Some people just dont want to be saved, and it is not up to me to decide that they should.
Please dont get me wrong, Im not saying that I shouldnt and wont be there for my friends and the people I love, because that is just something automatic that I will always do without even thinking about it. What I am saying is that I need to set some boundaries, learn when enough is enough, and not take it so personally. Setting boundaries is not about loving or caring less, I guess it is more a survival technique for myself (if that makes sense?)
I have so much love to give and share, but I am more and more starting to realise that life is way too short to get hung up on things that I, in theory, have no power or control over (like the lives and destinies of other people). I need to learn how to let go and have faith in the fact that it will work out in the end, for all of us, no matter what obstacles or difficulties we are facing at the moment.
Mom, if you’ve read this, please don’t be worried! I am fine, I honestly am. But you know how I am – I need to work things out for myself. So there is no need to be worried, because I am much much stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for. Yes, I do fall, and I crash and burn. But I get up again. Even if it sometimes takes a little time, I always get up on my two feet, shake it off, and carry on.
And that’s exactly what I plan to do.
Love you x
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