Hello.

I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. There has been so much stuff going on and my mood has been somewhat of a roller coaster journey. Now I am sitting on the sofa, with the sun shining in through the open window. I can hear the birds singing while I’m sipping my coffee, and I have had some time to reflect and think about my situation. The sadness comes in waves, and I spent most (if not all) of Friday night crying my eyes out.

Although I have come to the conclusion that the sadness that I am feeling has nothing really to do with the fact of my losing my job. I kind of understand the situation, and from a business point of view, it makes perfect sense. However, I feel so incredibly rejected, and I think that’s what making me so sad and so hurt.

What springs to mind when I think about all the things that I am feeling is being rejected by my first love. This job was kind of like my first love, and from a work point of view, it was my first “real” job that I absolutely loved and enjoyed doing. And just like with my first love, I poured my entire heart and soul and life into it. Some of you might think that it is stupid to do this, and I know many have expressed concerns about how much time and effort, and how much of myself I have devoted to it. But you have to remember that I am a very passionate person, and when I do something I love, I do it with all of me and give 110%.

Knowing that I won’t be going back there, to see all the amazing people I work with, and to have them around me, and encourage me and kind of mentoring me makes me feel lost and scared. I feel like I spent almost 8 months trying to prove to everybody, but mostly myself, that I could do this, that I am good enough, and I did. And now that I have to start all over again, I am starting to doubt myself again and what I am capable of doing. Which is rather ridiculous I know…

I was watching this two part documentary last night on BBC about the queens of British pop, and I found myself being very inspired and comforted by it all. First of all, as always, it had to do with the music. All the shit that has been going on lately, especially the past couple of months when I have been feeling so lonely, I kind of distanced myself from music, as well as from most of my friends. Yesterdays documentary really made me miss it, it brought back all the memories of how therapeutical music can be to me, how it can comfort me, and inspire me, and be a source of strength and confidence. It felt so nice to have that feeling again.

Second of all, it featured all these inspirational and strong women, and it made me evaluate my current situation. I could relate to all their personal struggles, how some of them as entertainers put on this persona on stage, but off stage they were really insecure and had so many problems. It was a nice reality check and being remembered that no matter who we are or how much money we have, at the end of the day we are all human, and we all have to deal with whatever shit life throws at us. What matters is how we decide to deal with these things.

So I guess I just need stop with all this nonsense, and just focus on the end goal. And try to remind myself that even though I usually don’t think or believe it myself, I am pretty god damn amazing and great at what I am doing. I am so thankful for all the support and encouragement some of you have been showing me. I know I can be a hand full when I’m sad, and I get the feeling that it sometimes doesn’t come across how grateful I am to have you all there to support me and try to cheer me up. But I truly do appreciate it all, and the support has been somewhat overwhelming from some of you, mostly because I didn’t really expect it. So thank you, I love you all so much!

Tagged: on Sunday, April 26, 2009 · 3 Comments »