So I’m having a rather shitty end to this very long day. Don’t quite understand what’s going on, but I just bursted out in tears.
I’ve started to feel like I have 2 people living inside of my head lately. Or no, that’s not quite true, I have a lot of demons in my head, but I feel like some of those have started to have a very active role in my life.
I’m sure you’re probably sick & tired of reading about all this nonsense but I have to get it out of me…
I have days when I’m so happy and content with my life. However, I have noticed how the more insecure and unhappy orsi keeps popping up more and more lately, and she is once again putting all these weird thoughts in my head.
For example, I recorded my 5th official radio show this week. It is packed with lots of sunny vibes and I was really happy with how it turned out. Then earlier tonight I read something somewhere on the internet (can’t remember where this very second) and it literally felt like my whole world just crumbled into pieces. (yes I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it’s true)
I mean, I love doing these shows so much, and the fact that people say they like them makes me happier than any words can describe. But let’s be honest for a minute, I have fuck all to offer compared to the rest of the people who are doing their shows. It’s not like I’m some kind of music specialst, I know a couple of things, but compared to the rest I’m just an average joe who happens to have a few good tunes to play every now and again. I don’t really play any new or exciting music, and when I speak it’s usually just a load of crap I say in the heat of the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it truly means the world to me that some of you like it, but I just don’t understand why.
When I look around the web, and see all these great people doing their thing, whether it’s music or photography or writing or something else creative, and I compare my “work” to theirs, I feel like an utter and complete loser. And maybe that’s my problem, maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Then again, I don’t want to be wasting your time with my bullshit.
Perhaps I’m just having a bad evening… But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how grateful and happy I am to be doing what i’m doing, and no matter how hard I work and bust my ass off, I always feel like I’m letting you down…
I’m nobody special, and what I do is certainly not as high quality as so much other stuff out there. The fact that you put up with me and support me, regardless of these things, well, that’s just remarkable. I feel blessed to have you all in my life and I have so much love for you. I just wish I was better and had more to offer you…
Ok I’ll shut up now. Sorry.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Hey man, I think it’s best not to try and compare yourself to others (easier said than done!). I’ve been in that position where you look up to some people and then look down on others, it’s not a productive mindset. We’ve all been indoctrinated to compete with other people, it starts in school where we’re taught to compete with our class mates. That stuff is all bullshit. Life isn’t a competition, never has been, never will be. Anyways, take it easy
Saes
October 16th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
People genuinely love what you do and everything you create is consistently of an extremely high standard.
To an extent, without competition, there would be no progression – but that’s a very general statement. I know you are always very appreciative of the kind words people give you and you believe that they enjoy what you do, but you seem to struggle so much to truly accept that what you do IS actually excellent and worthwhile. It could be viewed as humility, which is a fantastic virtue to possess, but it seems to affect you negatively, which is obviously a great shame.
We’re all human, we’re all self-conscious about multiple facets of our lives. I constantly worry that the things I do aren’t up to scratch, or that I’m irrelevant to the causes I choose to involve myself in, but I guess I try to strike a balance so I can accept that there’s always room for growth, always someone else doing it better somewhere, but… I’m thankful for the people who do I appreciate the things I do and it motivates me to do more.
There’s most certainly no need for you to apologise, particularly with regards to the quality of your work, because I can find a thousand people who would all say – with total sincerity – that you are brilliant.
Perhaps you are just having one of those days. Chin up and keep smiling, you’ve got a nice smile, so use it!
Have fun in Belgium this weekend.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Ya Smarten up! Like I said before I deal with a lot of the same things as you… but the thing that helps me is to figure out if you enjoy the process of what you do. If you do than just do it for that. If you don’t than do something different that you do enjoy.
October 17th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Orsolya, I have known you for a long time and I couldn’t disagree more. Even if you contribute nothing else to ‘the music scene’, last week I bought an Esbjörn Svensson Trio LP because of your radio show so you clearly exert some influence… I love your show not only because your personally shines through, but because you cover such variety from week to week. There may be better specialists in particular areas but you show uninitiated people like me such a broad spectrum of music I would never experience on my own. So please keep it up, be confident in yourself, and remember that there are loads of people out there that appreciate what you do and who you are =)
Neil. x
October 18th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
all that above sounds like how i feel 99% of the time. then you find out someone like orsi is listening, who cares, and it’s all worth it.
October 19th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Get a grip, indeed!! Hahaha!
But i know that feeling… something like that always comes after a nice event, realisation or a happy time! Sometimes after that, you might feel a bit low, you can compare it a bit with a hangover from drinking too much beer! But slightly different.
Whenever you start doubting about yourself, just take the time to clear your head and give it some rest. Don’t let negative thoughts get you down!
I like your show, it’s warm and charming, and from the heart! You have a nice selection as well as a nice voice. I wish there were more places where i could listen to shows like this. At my work, or in the car, for example!
Oh, and don’t compare yourself to others!
I heard simular stories from painters or people doing whatever it is they are doing. Getting demotivated from other people who are more skilled, or more talented, etc. Don’t let that get you down. You’ve got to believe in yourself, that makes what you do more fun, and a whole lot easier.
Also, the world is filled with people, who all have a wide variety of opinions. You can’t possibly satisfy all of them, and you’re not even supposed to. You’re the only one who has to be satisfied. Keep whatever you need from peoples knowledge or experience, you can always learn new things. Nevermind their opinions, but hold your own.
But above all things,
keep a positive spirit up, and don’t let setbacks make you give up. Keep on keeping on!!!
Persistence is the key!!
May the Funk be with you!!
Hahahaaaa!!!!!!
October 31st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
i think you just have high standards and you are being tough on yourself.
it’s constructive to a point, to push yourself, but it can swing in the other direction on occasion.
just remember that were all fakes.
the main thing is to be a genuine fake!
keep doing what you do.
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