Hello my friends,
It’s Friday so let’s celebrate with another photo bomb that you can feast your pretty eyes on!
This time it’s pictures that were taken with my disposable cameras during my Berlin trip with Run Dem Crew.
Click on the thumbnails to see full images sizes and if you want more then make sure you have a look at the full set of pictures over on the Orsii Facebook Page.
If you pick up the May 2012 issue of ZEST magazine this month you will not only find a pretty dope running guide/feature, BUT, you will also catch some pretty lush snaps of Candice, Bangs and myself in it!
Some of you have been getting in touch and asking me if I have any tips about how to start training, well, now you have an even better excuse to pick up the latest issue since it covers everything from training plans for every level, how to keep yourself motivated, as well as different types of gear etc.
Or you can just get it for the amazing images of us girls, they make me smile for days!
Hello my friends!
So a week ago today I completed the most difficult physical challenge of my life – I ran a half marathon in 2 hours and 9 minutes.
Celebrating with my new bling & bubbly
I did it as part of Team Bangs On The Run but I went to Berlin with my much bigger running family, Run Dem Crew.
Bangs and Charlie - photo by RDCbridgethegap
Before I go any further I have to say thank you to Mama & Papa Running, Bangs & Charlie, for changing and improving my life for ever. I know I have said it before but I will probably never stop saying it. You two not only helped me achieve something I didn’t even think was possible in my wildest dreams, but you also helped me achieve and aim for dreams I didn’t even know I had. I don’t know if I will ever be able to give back the incredible gifts you both have given me, but I hope I can pass on some of them and help inspire and motivate other people the way you have inspired and motivated me.
Run Dem Crew Berlin - photo by TheMrWyatt
I feel like I could write 5 different posts about this half marathon journey because there are so many things I would like to share/cover. Not just the actual Berlin journey that includes pre & post race madness, but my inner journey, my physical and emotional journey these past 12 weeks and beyond, as well as the journey of friendships – some that kind of failed/broke and some that truly blossomed.
Teams Bangs On The Run 3 Post Berlin Half Marathon - photo by Bangs and A Bun
Not sure how much I can fit in, but let’s start with my Team Bangs girls who I simply would not have been able to complete this half marathon without:
Rhalou, Sarah Mei, Bangs, Rachel, Dani & Christiana (and Sarah Graham + the lovely Mia who sadly missed out) – thank you all so much for everything! You gave me the strength and motivation to get up at the crack of dawn almost every goddamn morning for 12 weeks to either go running or get my ass to boot camp. I am so grateful to have met you all, my life has been enriched in so many different ways thanks to you. I will always cherish the day Bangs sent out the tweet looking for a female DJ and me randomly seeing it retweeted by Charlie and getting in touch. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was a life changing moment that led me down an unpredictable path and I am so happy to have shared some of it with you. You are all incredible young women and I am so proud of how far we all have come, individually and together since January.
My 11 year journey that only really started 12 weeks ago
See that 14 year old fat girl to the left? I ran those 13.1 miles/21km for her.
And for anybody who has ever been like her, felt like her, who is like her now and think that things can’t change, that they can’t be different – they can!
I have never really felt pretty, or smart, or funny, or sexy or anything that would make me “special”. I mean, I have tried and I have gotten pretty damn good at acting like I feel like I am all those things, but deep down inside, I’ve never 100% felt any of those things until recently…
It is a very overwhelming feeling to be able to look in the mirror and not feel like hiding away from myself and the world. Running has really helped me improve my confidence, not to mention my appearance, and even though I have a long way to go, I never thought I’d even come this far if I am honest…
My first run VS crossing the finish line in 2 hours 9 min
Looking back on these 12 weeks it’s funny to see how I have gone through exactly the ups & downs both Bangs and Charlie said I would… And it’s funny because I stupidly and arrogantly assumed I wouldn’t be “one of those” who would – when I probably was the best example of everything they were telling me about.
I have learned so much about myself these past few months – both good and bad things. Some things have been surprises, other things have been very embarrassing, but all of them have made me more aware of who I am, who I want to be and who I might have the potential to become.
So thank you all for joining me on this 12 week journey, it meant so much to have your support.
I would love to name every single person who has inspired, motivated and helped me get through this, but there’s too many of you and not enough time/space/mental capacity to mention you all!
But you know who you are, it would literally be everybody at Run Dem Crew. You welcomed me with open arms and I can’t imagine my life without you now. You all showed me support throughout my ups and downs and acted like the family/community I always wished I had and now feel so proud to be part of.
However…I do want to give special mentions to a few people who I literally would not have survived without:
Paul, Candice, Glenn, Shameek, Phil, Chaka and once again, Bangs, Charlie, Sarah Mei and Rhalou:
Thank you for believing in me, thank you for pushing me, thank you for giving me verbal slaps when I needed them and hugs & tissues when I needed them instead. Thank you for making me laugh, for making me feel part of the family, for being amazing mentors, friends and supporters, for being inspirational and motivational, but most of all – thank you for not giving up on me when I was ready to give up on myself.
I hope the Berlin Half Marathon was just the beginning of an even greater adventure, one that will last my entire life.
AWAY AWAY AWAY!
Hello my friends!
So in less than three days I will be running the Berlin Half Marathon! This has definitely been one of the biggest and most interesting, exhausting, amazing and difficult experiences and journeys of my life!
You can listen to my latest Little Miss Sunshiine show where I talk about all the ups and downs from the past 12 weeks that have all eventually paved the way to this one big day/weekend.
Before I jet off to Berlin though I wanted to share some last minute pictures that includes my first ever 10.5 miles that I ran on my own, essential running fuel for the body, my feel-good outfits, random silliness, early mornings, spring & sunshine and so on.
You can all expect a full and very emotional review when I am back.
Or basically, when I am in Sweden, since I will be jetting straight there after Berlin.
Sorry, I am finding it difficult to find the right words to express how excited and scared I am.
But I can’t wait to DO DA TING with our outernational crews from NYC, Tokyo, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Paris and to FINALLY get to meet certain people and (hopefully) have one of the most amazing and memorable weekends of my life!
So wish me good luck and see you on the other side!
AWAY AWAY AWAY!
SO TODAY I DECIDED TO DO DA TING!
Despite the fact that this weekend did not go the way I had planned AT ALL!
Actually, it started with Friday and me missing out on my 5 mile run in the morning…
I was still a bit fragile on Thursday evening from my fastest ever run on Wednesday night, so I decided to do my 5 miles the following morning, but exhaustion got the best of me and I decided to sleep not run.
I figured the Spartan session in the evening would make up for it, but no amount of cross-training will bag me those miles I so desperately need for Berlin! So despite having an amazing session with Chaka Bars & the crew, I was feeling a bit guilty for missing out on my run.
For the weekend I had nothing else planned apart from studying, recording my radio show and making an attempt to run 10 miles.
Safe to say nothing went as planned! DOES IT EVER!?
I allowed myself to have a lie in on saturday morning, nowadays that means sleeping to 09:30am the very latest, and I made a fabulous weekend breakfast to celebrate life and how far I have come on this long journey without giving up.
After my posh breakfast the plan was to quickly record my new Little Miss Sunshiine show and seriously get cracking with my university work because I am so behind on writing & publishing my assignments that I feel ashamed and incredibly guilty.
But somehow I managed to completely lose track of time and all of the sudden it was past 10pm and I had to go to bed to prepare for my long run with Candice in the morning.
I didn’t have any dinner or anything, I literally played music for about 8 hours straight! (Damn! I can’t even remember the last time I had a Saturday all for myself where I just played records and enjoyed my own company! That’s kind of sad in a way…)
Anyway, I got up at about 6am today ready to go!
I wore the clothes I am planning on wearing on race day, I ate the food I think I will eat if its available on race day, I did the active stretches for my legs and knees, hell I even did a very light jog before doing the run so I would warm up – all so I can go through my race day routine as good as possible.
I met up with Candice at Crystal Palace. I was beyond excited to run with her but also very nervous at the same time. The sun was shining, I had prepared the most amazing playlist to run to and I was secretly praying that my legs would be able to carry me 10 miles.
We ran from Crystal Palace to Brixton to Vauxhall across Vauxhall Bridge past Lambeth Bridge to Westminster past Waterloo past Blackfriars across Millennium Bridge past London Bridge past Tower Bridge past Bermondsey and past Rotherhithe all the way to Canada Water.
12.5 MILES BABY!!! And for those of you who don’t know what that is… 20.1KM BABY!!!
It’s a shame my Nike+ wasn’t 100% spot on with the GPS on the map but here is an illustration of what we ran:
I’m not going to lie – it wasn’t a stroll in the park!
I was holding up ok until about 10 miles in and then my legs started to go a bit funny, then my ‘bad knee’ started to misbehave and towards the end I had an incredibly painful pressure thing happening in my right ear (no idea what that was!?!?!) but I knew I had to carry on for two main reasons:
1. I had doubted myself and my ability to do something like this since before I even signed up to do the Berlin half marathon. So I desperately needed these 12.5 miles in the bag to assure and reassure myself that I do have it in me, that I am a runner and that I can overcome and accomplish anything if I really want to. And today really ended up being the confidence boost I needed – not just when it comes to the running but when it comes to life in general too.
2. I couldn’t be “the weak link” today because I felt like I needed to lift our running spirits if we were going make it alive - something was up with Candice and I wasn’t sure what it was but I knew I had to do something to get her through those miles somehow.
I’m sure I slightly annoyed her a couple of times, including when I got the tourists outside houses of parliament to cheer her on so she would start running when she had stopped or when I shouted at the big crowd on millennium bridge asking them to tell her off for being lazy. I sang, I danced, I tried to motivate and be happy and be serious and literally do anything in my power to keep her going, and by doing so, keeping myself going.
You see, Candice is an incredible person and I have so much respect and love for her that simple words are not enough to express how I truly feel about her. Im going to be honest here, I don’t know her that well, but if I had a boat and I could only take 5 people with me to an island, she would be amongst those 5.
Me and her are very different yet very very similar. I am so happy that I could share my great accomplishment with her today because she is one of the people that have really motivated me throughout this whole experience and journey, even if that might have been unintentional from her side.
I know that this running thing has changed both of our lives for the better (even through the shitty & horrible parts of it all) and to think that this is just the beginning of an incredible journey and adventure makes me very excited and scared at the same time.
I just hope that me and her will be able to share days like today many times in the future, because these are the ones that build character as well as friendships.
HELLO MY FRIENDS!
Yes it has been absolutely mental on this end for the past 10 days! I have been desperately trying to catch up with life post-flu madness and honestly speaking, I got fed up with being locked up in the flat on my own and just training & working all the time with no social life what so ever.
I promise a longer post will come this weekend because I do have a lot to talk about!
But I figured I could share some pictures from the past 7-10 days in the mean time to keep you entertained and to show that I haven’t forgotten about you all!
Sending lots of loving!
I got a package filled with love and food from my Mama <3
Drinking wine & gossiping with my BFF Cata
Falling asleep at a disco for 3½ hours & waking up with a big "I AM OK" tattoo
Going for a 8.5 mile 'Hangover Run' by the canal
Soaking up the sun with my little Tiger Rhalou <3
Eating healthy & yummy food
Getting up & training HARD at stupid o'clock in the morning
Getting my face done for a photo shoot
Best.Day.Ever. hanging out with my inspirational & gorgeous mentors Bangs & Candice
Getting my hair did-done for the photo shoot
Looking a bit like a tired 80s tranny with my hair down
Hanging in there, training HARD & with style
Wow! What a crazy week! I am currently high on life / too hyper from my spartan bars session this evening.
Been trying to write a blog post all week but haven’t been able to due to other things such as… well, life I suppose! But now Im here so I am doing it, and just to give you heads up, it’s long and it’s emotional!
If you follow me on twitter or if you’ve been reading some of the recent posts, you will know that I have been pretty down and sad lately. Actually, it got so bad that I just randomly started crying big baby wolf tears in the middle of Liverpool Street Station 9am on Wednesday morning. Let me just put it this way – the suits were not impressed.
But me being sad this week is not the ‘point’ of the post tonight. I had a very interesting (read: very heated and loud) discussion last weekend about why I am so open about myself on this blog, and when I tweet.
Some people might think it’s because I want attention, confirmation, praise and so on. Well let me tell it to you fair and square – it’s not about that at all.
You can be the nicest person in the world to me, if I think you are full of shit or just saying nice things to me to be nice, I will not give a shit. In fact, you will probably annoy me more than you will cheer me up.
Trust me when I say – it is HARD to be so open about how I feel, about how I think, about all the bullshit I am going through, mentally and physically and everything in between.
I mean, imagine being at your most vulnerable state and then just expressing that in a place where the whole world can read it and comment. It’s fucking scary!
But I do it because I don’t want people like you, who are reading these words and this blog, to ever be scared or ashamed of telling people how you feel, what you are thinking, what you are going through and so on, no matter how cringing or stupid it might seem.
And that is why I do it. That is why I share the most vulnerable things about myself, good and bad.
You see, I have felt so bad, for so many years. And Im not saying that for sympathy, it’s just the truth. I might seem like I have all the confidence in the world, and when it comes to my personality, I probably do. But when it comes to my intellect and my appearance – I have zero confidence.
Ask my mum.
When I moved to London in 2005 I lived in university halls, my mum came here with me during my first 5 days so she could carry some of my stuff in her luggage and she stayed with me in my tiny room.
During one of the nights she was here, they were arranging some kind of party for all us freshers living at halls and we were meant to meet up in the lobby so a big coach could take us to the venue where the party was going to be held.
I got ready and headed to the lobby not knowing a single soul. After standing around there for about 15 minutes I ran back to my room where my mum was, with a big chunk of tears in my throat. My mum asked me what was up, and I, half crying, told her that I didnt want to go because nobody would want to be friends with me because I was too fat and ugly.
…
Ok now go back and read that again.
This is a young woman, who has had the courage to move to a completely different country, let alone big metropolitan city, ON HER OWN, who is about to start university, studying her dream subject, in her dream city, telling her mother she doesnt want to go to some party because she is scared nobody will want to be her friend because she is too fat and too ugly.
Now take that feeling and multiply it by a million.
Did you know that there was a period in my life where I didnt go out? As in, I didnt go to the pub or to a restaurant, for like a month or so, because I thought I was so ugly and fat that people would just stare at me.
It sounds so fucking stupid and insane typing it out, but its true.
I was just so fucking ashamed of what I looked like that I didnt want to go out. I just wanted to hide from the world.
And there are so many other instances, so many other stories that I could share with you about how it is just feeling so fucking bad, and so shit about everything, that you literally wished you didn’t exist in the end.
But I wont now. Not this time, because that is not the aim of this post.
The aim of this post is to try to explain two things:
One: it is ok to feel all those shitty things as long as you actually express them and share them with at least one person. I mean, I don’t want you to feel that way, but I do want you to know that it is not weird and that you should not feel ashamed about feeling the way you do. Talk about it instead because whether you believe me or not, it will help and it will make you feel better!
Two: I am not some nutter obsessed about running & what time I will complete Berlin in & so on. I know a lot of people have been giving me advice, and telling me off, and a bucket load of other stuff. And TRUST ME – I appreciate it all so much! Even if it sometimes makes me want to scream of frustration (sorry but its true…) I do appreciate it so much.
Never in my life did I ever imagine that something like running would give me a community, a family, that is so loving and encouraging and amazing as the people I have met through Run Dem Crew and Team Bangs.
However, this is the deal… and if you know me you know this, and if you don’t, get to know:
I have had a stomach illness/problem for as long as I can remember. And that has included being in constant pain for the greater part of almost 10 years of my life. I am also pretty confident in the fact that it was a major contribution to why I felt so incredibly bad, not just about myself, but in general too.
Now up until January 2012, I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that I would LIKE, let alone enjoy, and god forbid, LOVE, running, because I honestly did hate it for most part of my life.
But not being able to do it for 2-3 weeks now properly has made me realise why I love it so much, why I miss it, and why I feel so goddamn sad not being able to do it.
It got rid of all the pain in my tummy and replaced it with confidence.
It sounds like bullshit – I know. But ask anybody who has known me for a longer period of time:
I have never EVER done skin tight (like lycra) in my life, only really baggy clothes that was hiding my figure. So to not only wear skin tight clothes, but to do so in public, and feeling good about it, and not being in constant pain, well, it was just too good to be true.
So just to be clear, the Berlin Half, not the journey, not the getting fit part, not the looking good part, but just the actual event represented that for me – as in:
The Berlin Half Marathon to me is about feeling good about myself and the way I look and the way I feel, in a public space, for 13.1 miles, where I can just go HERE I AM AND I AM FUCKING AWESOME! YES! EVERY LITTLE BIT OF ME IS AMAZING AND IF YOU DON’T AGREE YOU ARE MISSING OUT! I AM FIT AND I AM SMART AND I COULD RUN CIRCLES AROUND YOU BECAUSE I FEEL NO PAIN – I JUST FEEL FREE.
And after searching long and hard this week, after crying my eyes out in a public space, after hiding under my duvet not being able to face work and uni and the rest of the world, I can honestly say that I am scared of not being able to do that.
I just want to be able to hold my head up high and feel like I am worth something, anything, without the pain, without the anxiety, without wanting to hide from the world.
Running gave me that and now it’s temporarily gone.
And it feels like shit.
But I am determined to go through with this! And its hard. I am crying just writing about all this because its so fucking hard. And I feel pathetic and stupid for saying it but you need to know because, we are kind of doing this together even if I don’t know you!
I don’t know how, but I will get through this, and I will rock Berlin, and come summer, you will catch me in the sunshine, running to this tune feeling like A DON! (seriously, this is my spring-summer time jam, I will never get tired of this song, especially Left Eyes part, it made me cry on Thursday’s run because it’s just… me.)
Good evening my friends!
I am here and I am alive – wohoooo!
Went to see a physio today about the knee. She was awesome! She looked at the knee, gave me a sports massage and she also gave me some tips and tricks when it comes to pre, during and post run.
I guess the good news are that there’s technically nothing wrong with my knee what so ever.
It is not inflamed, it is not broken, I don’t need a knee strap and I don’t need to RICE – nada!
Bad news are, or, actually I shouldn’t say bad news because it’s not bad news as such – I am allowed to run after all – yaaay!!
Buuuut, the slight downside is that I’m only allowed to run for 20 minutes per session, and then if that works and I’m not in pain, I can raise it to 25/30 minutes and so on.
This has overall given me mixed feelings… Especially since I went out for a run today and felt the sharp pain in my knee after 2 miles yet again [sigh...]
First off – How on earth will this work when I will be on the road, running, for like 2½ hours (if not more!) in 5 weeks time!? The longest I have ever done is 8 miles and that got me in this mess to begin with so how will I do 13.1 miles!?
Secondly – I spent more time stretching before and after my run today than the time I spent actually running. And the worst part was that I didn’t even manage to do the whole 20 minutes because I had to stop after 18…
I did everything I was told to do so maybe I went too hard? Or maybe I went too fast?
Argh! It’s so frustrating…!
And like I said before – it’s not just the running. It’s so many other things too.
I feel like Im in a state where I could start crying any given minute and two seconds later smile again. Like a complete nutter…
So apologies if my mood keeps changing back and forth, but I am trying so damn hard to stay positive about all of this despite being scared shitless and just wanting to cry and give up and say fuck it!
But I won’t.
Nobody said this journey would be easy, I just never imagined it would take this weird turn…
I thought it would come down to lack of motivation, of being too lazy and not pushing myself.
Oh the irony of life!
Anyway, I will stop rambling and get on with what I have to do.
I will try to stay positive too.
It’s fucking hard, but I am trying my best and a little bit more.
I went and did a Spartan Bars session last night at 7pm in Shoreditch Park, lead by the wonderful but during training very tough (!!!) @chakabars.
Yeah it was a Friday night, and I was outside in a dark & cold park, doing hardcore workout with a group of dedicated (read: mental) Spartan brothers & sisters.
It’s basically very very intense circuit training that lasts about 1-1:30 hour. Two rounds around 14 stations with some sprinting and other crazy ‘push & pull your workout partner up and down a small hill’ in between the rounds (check chaka’s blog for the funny videos and to see what I mean, a bit hard to explain).
I don’t feel as dead as I thought I would but I can still feel my body. Not gonna lie, I thought I was gonna puke a few times during it all, as well as my arms failing on me and falling off… but they didn’t and now I just want to do more!
Apart from trying to laugh instead of crying, the only thing that kept me going was the thought of Beyonce & Rhianna – and how I am determined to at least once in my life look better than them!
Now, like Bangs kindly tried to explain to me, I am not black, and I know this, it has nothing to do with me thinking I can be the hotness that is black women. But for me, that is exactly what they represent – absolute fierceness!
So basically, in my opinion, these two fantastic and talented women got their thighs, booty, hips, waist and tummy all where it should be at. Not skinny looking but healthy and toned, like they could rock your world in the kitchen, bedroom and dancefloor all at the same time.
So I am sorry for the GIF explosion that will take place now, but I need to have an inspirational post of hotness that I can refer back to every time I want to give up training for Berlin!
It’s hard not being able to run, but it will probably be harder once I can start doing it again. So, I need to keep these images in mind, because apart from rocking that half marathon, this is what I want to achieve in 2012:
