Last day of the third week of training for the Berlin Half Marathon and let me tell you – this week has been the shittiest week of 2012. No joke.
Without really going into anything other than running, this week was hard as hell.
It started out with some ‘issues’ that I won’t dwell or go on about because as far as I know, everything has been talked about and resolved, but let’s just say that a situation occurred that kind of made me very sad, disappointed and a bit upset.
On top of that, this no smoking business had resulted in pretty much insomnia. I had been getting on average about 3 hours sleep per night for roughly two weeks, which is not a lot when you need to be up by 6am the very latest every weekday morning to squeeze in either run or a bootcamp session before work.
Safe to say that the tiredness got the best of me – all I wanted to do was to cry my eyes out, dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.
Everything was a struggle and I just couldn’t see how it was going to get any better.
After having a lovely run, and the longest one I have ever done, with Run Dem Cew on Tuesday, I went for another one on Saturday and it bloody hurt! Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am a beginner, but so far running has never really hurt in the way it hurt on Saturday. My legs, my feet, my thighs, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, everything hurt.
I wasn’t even doing my long run, “only” 3,5 miles and I felt like my body was going to fall apart. How the hell am I meant to run 13 miles if I am on my third official week of training and my body is falling apart after less than a quarter of the distance!?
I wasn’t happy but I tried not to think about it. Until I woke up this morning, on my “long run day”, and felt like my entire existence was shouting NO to running. The thought of having to go for a run was actually so upsetting that I started crying.
And before you start judging me – yes I do look horrible on that picture, yes I was silly enough to take a picture of myself looking that bad whilst crying my eyes out, BUT, how am I meant to share this journey with you all if I am not honest and show you EVERYTHING of what I am going through.
So I cried for a while, tweeted about how I didnt want to go for a run, and then decided to stop being silly and just do it because I would feel much worse about the situation if I didn’t go.
Little did I know that whilst I was crying a bit more and preparing to go out for this very much dreaded run, people were saying all kinds of encouraging and wonderful things to me on twitter:
I really wish I would have seen this before I went out, because it wasn’t really a very pretty run…
I got to 0,75 miles and started crying because I just didn’t want to be out there. I didn’t want to be running and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even done a mile.
When I got to 1,5 miles I was cussing everybody in my head.
I was cussing myself for having met Charlie Dark and for him to have started Run Dem Crew.
I was cussing Bangs for asking me to join Team Bangs and for making me feel so passionate about the team and the girls and this achievement and for getting me into running when in fact I was probably much happier when I was fat, lazy, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not giving a flying toss about any stupid half marathon.
I was cussing all my girls in Team Bangs for being so lovely and great people and for making me looking forward to getting up in the morning to go training and for feeling so blessed about sharing this journey with them, because it is a crap journey that is too much effort and hard work.
I was cussing every person I have met in Run Dem Crew, at the sessions or online, for being so into this stupid fucking thing called running and for being so nice and encouraging to me. I mean, who the hell owns and wears so much lycra anyway!?!
It even got to the point where I was cussing my parents for making me and my mum for giving birth to me.
Yes it really got that bad. It got to the point where I literally wished I had not been born at all.
This was where I had my second cry. I think it was around 3,75 miles when I realised how far I had left to run.
I couldn’t breathe, my legs and shoulders were hurting, and I was seriously considering running in front of a car just so I could put myself out of my misery.
But somehow I carried on.
I was thinking of Berlin, of how everything was hurting, of how I’d never be able to do 13 miles, of how Candie was right – Come race day I would be there on my own. Me and the pavement. Nobody to run for me, nobody to carry me over the finish line. Every man/woman on their own.
And during all of it, I had the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear:
How all this wasn’t worth it.
How I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
How I wasn’t “built” for running anyway.
How my life would be so much easier if I didn’t train for this stupid half marathon.
How nobody would care if I just stopped running now and not in 2,5 miles.
How it was ok to walk a little if I needed.
Every single excuse you can think of, you can believe that the little devil whispered it to me. And I listened, and I took it in, hell, I even agreed with some of it.
But I didn’t stop.
After the last excuse I turned my head to the little angel that had been hiding behind my other shoulder, smiled, and tried to run the last mile as fast as I could.
That is when I had my third cry.
Then I got home and was greeted by these wonderful words (I can’t say thank you enough to all of you – I was blown away with how amazing and supporting and encouraging you all are!):
I am going to be honest with you all – I have no idea why I didn’t stop. It would have been so easy and nobody was there with me so nobody would have known anyway.
Maybe it was pride, maybe it was because I was determined not to, maybe it was just luck – I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I am ultimately doing this because I want to be able to wake up every morning and be the best person I can be.
And I know that sounds cheesey, and a bit ‘self-help’/motivational coach bull-shit talk, but it is the truth.
That is the goal and I need to remember that, especially on the bad days and weeks.
Why? Because you need the bad to appreciate the good.
And people can take the piss and people can laugh, but I know that I will come out of this as a better person.
It’s not easy, and this week definitely was a reality check compared to the two previous weeks when I started to think that it might be a piece of cake to run 13 miles after all. It has grounded me, made me think and definitely made me appreciate rest days!
So much love and respect to all of you who are going through this journey as well.
And much love and thank yous to all of you who have been encouraging me to go out there and smash it. Words are not enough for me to express how much I appreciate and value your support.
Ive been staring at my laptop since I got back from an interview at 5pm. My brain is refusing to work and I am frustrated and angry and sad and annoyed beyond words. All I want to do is to smoke. I haven’t done it, but, if I don’t start to finish off this stupid university assignment soon I will have no choice because it is literally all I am thinking about. That and the pain in my abs.
ARGH! Somebody come and hug me and help me write up all these ideas and concepts in my head. Please? Hell I can even give you my idea, you can make a fortune on it! Just come and help me write it, I am too busy thinking about stupid things and tweeting and blogging to do it myself.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… fine fine fiiiiine! Ill do it!
Write not smoke!
Afternoon!
I’m on my lunch break so decided to have a massive rant about an issue that will either drive me mad or give me a stomach ulcer: People on public transport in London!
I spend an average of 2½ hours commuting in London every day. I can guarantee you that if I actually carried out all the horrible things I imagine doing to other people on the tube/bus I would most likely end up in prison or a mental institution.
I have been thinking about doing a nice PDF for people to be able to download and send to their friends and family when it comes to London public transport etiquette, but I don’t have the time to make one. So instead of that I will now share a list with you that includes things that results in me hating mankind a little bit more every day:
RUSH HOUR:
- People who cut in front of you in the queue – Excuse me!? Have I not been standing here for longer than you? Why on earth would you think that your time is more precious than mine or that your appointment is more important than mine? Twat!
- People who walk up/down stairs/other spaces that clearly says “NO ENTRY” – What part of “NO ENTRY” do you not comprehend!? Has it ever crossed your selfish mind that you shouldn’t use “NO ENTRY” places because there are people going the opposite way? Twat!
- People who insist on pushing & shoving from behind – Pushing & shoving me from behind, stepping on my heals and generally make me feel pissed off is NOT going to make you get anywhere any faster. If I could walk any faster I would! Twat!
- People who cut in front of you/refuse to let passengers off the train first – What the heeee… You better watch out so I don’t trip you over next time you try to cut in front of me. Since when did you get a priority boarding card!? Twat!
- People who “steal” your seat – I was just polite and moved away a tiny bit so the person on the seat could get off the train. What gives you the right to cut in front and steal the seat I have been waiting for since 7 stops back?? Twat!
- People who don’t stand up & give their seat to elderly/pregnant/disabled people – I feel like smacking these idiots on the head. YOU CAN SEE THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE IN NEED OF SITTING DOWN YET YOU DECIDE TO IGNORE THEM / LOOK ELSEWHERE SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR SEAT!? DID YOUR MOTHER NOT TEACH YOU ANYTHING ABOUT RESPECT AND PROPER BEHAVIOUR YOU TWAT!
- People who don’t move when you are trying to get off the train – How many times do I have to say EXCUSE ME before you let me pass!? Or do you want a tap dance routine with some singing in order to just let me off !? Twat!
- People who insist on reading their fucking book/paper/kindle/ipad when the train is so packed that you feel like a sardine in a tin. - Look… I am already having this one persons armpit in my face, that other persons elbow in my back, that third persons foot on MY FOOT, the last thing I really need is you shoving that fucking thing in my face. Yes, because you can’t wait until you get off/home/to work to read about why Rihanna isn’t getting laid. Twat!
- People who don’t move down the carriage/bus - Just move the fuck down the carriage/bus, it’s not rocket science! For more people to fit on here you got to move down. Stop making everybody late because you don’t want to leave your precious place. Twat!
- People who obstruct the doors – There is another train in 2 minutes – 2 MINUTES!!!! Why do you need to cram yourself into an already packed carriage and delaying us all because the doors won’t close properly with your fat ass hanging out the train. WHY!?!? Twat!
- People who walk slower than if they were crawling – It’s called RUSH-hour for a reason! People are in a hurry and it would be fantastic if you could do whatever it is that you are doing on a time where you are free to be as slow and lazy as you wish, maybe on SLOW-hour, what do I know? But on RUSH-hour, we RUSH!
- People who just… stop. And stay there – What.Are.You.Doing.????!!!! If you don’t know how to read a map you and you are over 13 years old you should probably not be allowed to be in London on your own. And if you don’t know where you are going or you feel confused, it’s fine, just feel confused & lost SOMEWHERE ELSE AND NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAIRS / PATH WHERE PEOPLE ARE WALKING!
IN GENERAL:
- People who eat smelly food & leave their left-overs/garbage
- People who listen to shit music very loudly on headphones/straight out of their phones
- People who insist on scream-talking on their mobiles
- People who can’t find their oysters and stand in the way for everybody whilst they look for it
- People who fart
- People who leave their bags on the seat so people can’t sit down
- People who sit on the “outer seat” and refuse to move in next to the window/wall
- People who don’t stand up to let you out from the “inner seat”
I could go on forever… but I have to get back to work. I feel much better though now that all that is out of my system.
See that face my friends? If you would look up the word “Exhausted” in the dictionary you would see that face looking at you. Very tired… fed up with this cold. Runny nose, clogged up head, snot snot snot… IVE HAD ENOUGH! So tomorrow this will end! Im gonna get up, have coffee in the sun, clean my room that looks like a tip, catch up with my best friend and play a bunch of music to prepare myself for the 2 gigs I have next weekend.
But now: Food! Hope you’re having a bit more fun Friday than I am ;)
So I’m having a rather shitty end to this very long day. Don’t quite understand what’s going on, but I just bursted out in tears.
I’ve started to feel like I have 2 people living inside of my head lately. Or no, that’s not quite true, I have a lot of demons in my head, but I feel like some of those have started to have a very active role in my life.
I’m sure you’re probably sick & tired of reading about all this nonsense but I have to get it out of me…
I have days when I’m so happy and content with my life. However, I have noticed how the more insecure and unhappy orsi keeps popping up more and more lately, and she is once again putting all these weird thoughts in my head.
For example, I recorded my 5th official radio show this week. It is packed with lots of sunny vibes and I was really happy with how it turned out. Then earlier tonight I read something somewhere on the internet (can’t remember where this very second) and it literally felt like my whole world just crumbled into pieces. (yes I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it’s true)
I mean, I love doing these shows so much, and the fact that people say they like them makes me happier than any words can describe. But let’s be honest for a minute, I have fuck all to offer compared to the rest of the people who are doing their shows. It’s not like I’m some kind of music specialst, I know a couple of things, but compared to the rest I’m just an average joe who happens to have a few good tunes to play every now and again. I don’t really play any new or exciting music, and when I speak it’s usually just a load of crap I say in the heat of the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it truly means the world to me that some of you like it, but I just don’t understand why.
When I look around the web, and see all these great people doing their thing, whether it’s music or photography or writing or something else creative, and I compare my “work” to theirs, I feel like an utter and complete loser. And maybe that’s my problem, maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Then again, I don’t want to be wasting your time with my bullshit.
Perhaps I’m just having a bad evening… But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how grateful and happy I am to be doing what i’m doing, and no matter how hard I work and bust my ass off, I always feel like I’m letting you down…
I’m nobody special, and what I do is certainly not as high quality as so much other stuff out there. The fact that you put up with me and support me, regardless of these things, well, that’s just remarkable. I feel blessed to have you all in my life and I have so much love for you. I just wish I was better and had more to offer you…
Ok I’ll shut up now. Sorry.
Good afternoon my darlings!
I hope you’re enjoying this very warm and somewhat sunny Thursday afternoon. Need to write some thoughts down that have been circulating in my head lately, and it’s in regards to this whole ”thing” about being a girl and being into/working with music.
There are two reoccurring “themes” that keep popping up every now and again, and I just want to address them once and for all, since they are starting to slightly annoy me:
1. “I didn’t know girls were into this kind of music…”
I hate this expression, and I very much dislike when people say it to me (even if they sometimes say it a good way). What correlation is there between my gender and what music I’m into? NONE, absolutely none. Ok, fair enough, there might not be a lot of girls in certain “scenes” or what ever you want to call it, but I wouldn’t say that it is because of the fact that they are girls and rather listen to some shitty R&B or pop. Trust me when I say that there are plenty of girls out there who love a heavy beat and a fat bass. You might not find them in the places where you think you would, but that doesn’t rule out the fact that they exist. They are just as common as all the guys who like shitty mainstream music.
2. “You’re a girl, so of course it is easier for you…”
Ok, let me first point out that I am a nobody. I was blessed and lucky enough to get accepted and join the Brownswood family 1,5 year ago now, and yes, because of that I got the chance to meet some incredible people. But, I don’t make music and I don’t DJ, and apart from being passionate about music and having the intention of maybe one day start working with it again, I don’t consider myself part of the music scene here in London.
I get a lot of people taking the piss out of me or asking me how I know this and this person, how I know about this and this event etc and for most of them, it almost always boils down to the fact that I am a girl and therefore I get special treatment. And my response to that is: The reason why I know these people, why I get invited to these events, have some of that (what they like to call) “underground music” is because I MAKE AN EFFORT. I listen to their music, I buy their music, I play their music, I go to their events, I contact them and tell them I like their stuff, I write to other people and recommend their stuff, I write in this blog about them, if I can help them in any other way or form I’ll go and help them. I put in a lot of my time and effort doing all these things. Not because I have to or because I want to be cool/be recognised/whatever, I do it because I genuinely love music, because I am passionate about the art behind making it, and because I truly care and want to help these people succeed in every way I can.
You say: I have it easy because I am a girl and that I get treated differently
I say: it is people like you that treat me differently because I am a girl.
However, that doesn’t necessarily mean I/we girls have it easier. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself because I am a girl, and I am sure Im not the only one who feels that way.
Bottom line is, when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. If you have the passion and you have the will to push forward and do what it takes to achieve your goals/dreams (whatever they might be) I am confident in the fact that you will.
Right, rant over. Thanks for that, needed to get that out of my system. Much love! x
Good morning my darlings!
Ahhh, feels so good sitting by a computer! (not my own though…) Woke up this morning to find out that my twitter account had been hacked. Great! Technology really hasn’t been on my side this weekend. After a lot of texting, I finally managed to get hold of Ashley so I could borrow her laptop, and here I am now. Twitter account has been fixed (hopefully) and I guess I can continue with this lazy sunday. Still missing my music, but just realised that Ash has spotify, so I might login and satisfy my musical cravings. Oh, coffee is ready! I shall be back later. x
Good morning!
So, horrible news, my laptop died last night! The screen went bright blue, I rebooted, and my dear pc was telling me that a Windowns root file was either missing or damaged… I almost had a little meltdown. A big thank you to all of you who called and emailed to offer your help, it really meant a lot to me.
I’m sitting in the livingroom now, writing this on my iPhone. Feels a bit strange, but what has struck me the most is how dependant I am on my computer. I’m not gonna lie, the thought of losing about 6-7 years worth of pictures and documents (such as articles, texts, poems, song lyrics, letters etc that I have written) makes me really sad. They might not be that good, but they have a big value to me, kind of like my blog. It’s like a referrence point, a bit like with music, I can go back and see/read things, have a giggle to myself, and actually appreciate the fact that have grown and developed and changed as a person. Don’t know if that makes any sense, but I like looking back, because it reminds me (especially when i feel a bit down) of how far I’ve actually come, all the struggle and work I’ve put into being where I am and having what I got, and even if it’s not very much, it does help me appreciate things in life in a different way.
Either way, what I usually used to love about Saturdays is that I could get up, make myself some coffee, and do a bit of blogging. So safe to say, I felt a bit lost this morning when I couldn’t do my usual routine.
I have a couple of posts I need to write because they have been circulating in my mind for a while now. Hopefully I can get the laptop fixed by tomorrow evening, but if not, please excuse my poor updates from now on.
I hope you have a lovely Saturday, the sun is shining on north London, and I’m off to see my best friend david. Much love to you all! X
I have been working in the Shoreditch are for almost 10 months now. As some of you might know (and agree/disagree with), it is kind of one of the (many?) “hip & trendy” places in London. 90% of the people you see around here look like they were taken from some kind of magazine, styled to the bone but (trying to) making it look like it is so effortless and that they just woke up and looked like that in the morning.
Now we all know that I am not the girliest of girls, and Im sure as hell not one of the trendiest, or prettiest, or thinnest of girls either. And as stupid and ridiculous as it might sound, being surrounded by all these people, especially some of the girls who give you that “oh my god the way you look makes me feel sick” stare when you pass them is really starting to get to me.
I had a very set and pre-made-up conception about this area before I started working here, and during the 3 years I had been in London for, I think I had come down to this area twice. Now that I have been here for a while, I have to admit that there are some pretty cool places around here. However, I still cant help feeling slightly out of place.
Every time I come to work, I get more and more self conscious about the way I look and what clothes I wear. I think I need to go on the Shoreditch diet, dont eat for like 4 months, lose like 10000 pounds, and spend my saved up food money on second hand/Brick Lane market/designer clothes, whilst practising that stare in the mirror, and who knows, maybe I’ll fit in here around Christmas time.
Just some random thought…
Morning. I am sitting at work feeling like a zombie. Had the worst sleep EVER last night and I feel rather rough today. I am just hoping it won’t rain. That would be the cherry on top of it all.
Apart from a horrible sleep the weekend was ok. Was feeling rather shit Saturday. Not due to the Quantic gig on Friday, but more in the line of stomach pains. Sunday was nice up until a certain point. Went and saw Sophie and had a proper catch up/gossip session. And now it is another week and I need to get on with things…
I hope this super duper extra coffee will wake me up or I might just have to take a nap under my desk. Maybe.
