So I’m having a rather shitty end to this very long day. Don’t quite understand what’s going on, but I just bursted out in tears.
I’ve started to feel like I have 2 people living inside of my head lately. Or no, that’s not quite true, I have a lot of demons in my head, but I feel like some of those have started to have a very active role in my life.
I’m sure you’re probably sick & tired of reading about all this nonsense but I have to get it out of me…
I have days when I’m so happy and content with my life. However, I have noticed how the more insecure and unhappy orsi keeps popping up more and more lately, and she is once again putting all these weird thoughts in my head.
For example, I recorded my 5th official radio show this week. It is packed with lots of sunny vibes and I was really happy with how it turned out. Then earlier tonight I read something somewhere on the internet (can’t remember where this very second) and it literally felt like my whole world just crumbled into pieces. (yes I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it’s true)
I mean, I love doing these shows so much, and the fact that people say they like them makes me happier than any words can describe. But let’s be honest for a minute, I have fuck all to offer compared to the rest of the people who are doing their shows. It’s not like I’m some kind of music specialst, I know a couple of things, but compared to the rest I’m just an average joe who happens to have a few good tunes to play every now and again. I don’t really play any new or exciting music, and when I speak it’s usually just a load of crap I say in the heat of the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it truly means the world to me that some of you like it, but I just don’t understand why.
When I look around the web, and see all these great people doing their thing, whether it’s music or photography or writing or something else creative, and I compare my “work” to theirs, I feel like an utter and complete loser. And maybe that’s my problem, maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Then again, I don’t want to be wasting your time with my bullshit.
Perhaps I’m just having a bad evening… But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how grateful and happy I am to be doing what i’m doing, and no matter how hard I work and bust my ass off, I always feel like I’m letting you down…
I’m nobody special, and what I do is certainly not as high quality as so much other stuff out there. The fact that you put up with me and support me, regardless of these things, well, that’s just remarkable. I feel blessed to have you all in my life and I have so much love for you. I just wish I was better and had more to offer you…
Ok I’ll shut up now. Sorry.
Good afternoon my darlings!
I hope you’re enjoying this very warm and somewhat sunny Thursday afternoon. Need to write some thoughts down that have been circulating in my head lately, and it’s in regards to this whole ”thing” about being a girl and being into/working with music.
There are two reoccurring “themes” that keep popping up every now and again, and I just want to address them once and for all, since they are starting to slightly annoy me:
1. “I didn’t know girls were into this kind of music…”
I hate this expression, and I very much dislike when people say it to me (even if they sometimes say it a good way). What correlation is there between my gender and what music I’m into? NONE, absolutely none. Ok, fair enough, there might not be a lot of girls in certain “scenes” or what ever you want to call it, but I wouldn’t say that it is because of the fact that they are girls and rather listen to some shitty R&B or pop. Trust me when I say that there are plenty of girls out there who love a heavy beat and a fat bass. You might not find them in the places where you think you would, but that doesn’t rule out the fact that they exist. They are just as common as all the guys who like shitty mainstream music.
2. “You’re a girl, so of course it is easier for you…”
Ok, let me first point out that I am a nobody. I was blessed and lucky enough to get accepted and join the Brownswood family 1,5 year ago now, and yes, because of that I got the chance to meet some incredible people. But, I don’t make music and I don’t DJ, and apart from being passionate about music and having the intention of maybe one day start working with it again, I don’t consider myself part of the music scene here in London.
I get a lot of people taking the piss out of me or asking me how I know this and this person, how I know about this and this event etc and for most of them, it almost always boils down to the fact that I am a girl and therefore I get special treatment. And my response to that is: The reason why I know these people, why I get invited to these events, have some of that (what they like to call) “underground music” is because I MAKE AN EFFORT. I listen to their music, I buy their music, I play their music, I go to their events, I contact them and tell them I like their stuff, I write to other people and recommend their stuff, I write in this blog about them, if I can help them in any other way or form I’ll go and help them. I put in a lot of my time and effort doing all these things. Not because I have to or because I want to be cool/be recognised/whatever, I do it because I genuinely love music, because I am passionate about the art behind making it, and because I truly care and want to help these people succeed in every way I can.
You say: I have it easy because I am a girl and that I get treated differently
I say: it is people like you that treat me differently because I am a girl.
However, that doesn’t necessarily mean I/we girls have it easier. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself because I am a girl, and I am sure Im not the only one who feels that way.
Bottom line is, when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. If you have the passion and you have the will to push forward and do what it takes to achieve your goals/dreams (whatever they might be) I am confident in the fact that you will.
Right, rant over. Thanks for that, needed to get that out of my system. Much love! x
Good morning my darlings!
Ahhh, feels so good sitting by a computer! (not my own though…) Woke up this morning to find out that my twitter account had been hacked. Great! Technology really hasn’t been on my side this weekend. After a lot of texting, I finally managed to get hold of Ashley so I could borrow her laptop, and here I am now. Twitter account has been fixed (hopefully) and I guess I can continue with this lazy sunday. Still missing my music, but just realised that Ash has spotify, so I might login and satisfy my musical cravings. Oh, coffee is ready! I shall be back later. x
Good morning!
So, horrible news, my laptop died last night! The screen went bright blue, I rebooted, and my dear pc was telling me that a Windowns root file was either missing or damaged… I almost had a little meltdown. A big thank you to all of you who called and emailed to offer your help, it really meant a lot to me.
I’m sitting in the livingroom now, writing this on my iPhone. Feels a bit strange, but what has struck me the most is how dependant I am on my computer. I’m not gonna lie, the thought of losing about 6-7 years worth of pictures and documents (such as articles, texts, poems, song lyrics, letters etc that I have written) makes me really sad. They might not be that good, but they have a big value to me, kind of like my blog. It’s like a referrence point, a bit like with music, I can go back and see/read things, have a giggle to myself, and actually appreciate the fact that have grown and developed and changed as a person. Don’t know if that makes any sense, but I like looking back, because it reminds me (especially when i feel a bit down) of how far I’ve actually come, all the struggle and work I’ve put into being where I am and having what I got, and even if it’s not very much, it does help me appreciate things in life in a different way.
Either way, what I usually used to love about Saturdays is that I could get up, make myself some coffee, and do a bit of blogging. So safe to say, I felt a bit lost this morning when I couldn’t do my usual routine.
I have a couple of posts I need to write because they have been circulating in my mind for a while now. Hopefully I can get the laptop fixed by tomorrow evening, but if not, please excuse my poor updates from now on.
I hope you have a lovely Saturday, the sun is shining on north London, and I’m off to see my best friend david. Much love to you all! X
I have been working in the Shoreditch are for almost 10 months now. As some of you might know (and agree/disagree with), it is kind of one of the (many?) “hip & trendy” places in London. 90% of the people you see around here look like they were taken from some kind of magazine, styled to the bone but (trying to) making it look like it is so effortless and that they just woke up and looked like that in the morning.
Now we all know that I am not the girliest of girls, and Im sure as hell not one of the trendiest, or prettiest, or thinnest of girls either. And as stupid and ridiculous as it might sound, being surrounded by all these people, especially some of the girls who give you that “oh my god the way you look makes me feel sick” stare when you pass them is really starting to get to me.
I had a very set and pre-made-up conception about this area before I started working here, and during the 3 years I had been in London for, I think I had come down to this area twice. Now that I have been here for a while, I have to admit that there are some pretty cool places around here. However, I still cant help feeling slightly out of place.
Every time I come to work, I get more and more self conscious about the way I look and what clothes I wear. I think I need to go on the Shoreditch diet, dont eat for like 4 months, lose like 10000 pounds, and spend my saved up food money on second hand/Brick Lane market/designer clothes, whilst practising that stare in the mirror, and who knows, maybe I’ll fit in here around Christmas time.
Just some random thought…
Morning. I am sitting at work feeling like a zombie. Had the worst sleep EVER last night and I feel rather rough today. I am just hoping it won’t rain. That would be the cherry on top of it all.
Apart from a horrible sleep the weekend was ok. Was feeling rather shit Saturday. Not due to the Quantic gig on Friday, but more in the line of stomach pains. Sunday was nice up until a certain point. Went and saw Sophie and had a proper catch up/gossip session. And now it is another week and I need to get on with things…
I hope this super duper extra coffee will wake me up or I might just have to take a nap under my desk. Maybe.
I have a piercing headache, still haven’t managed to shake it off. Don’t know what’s going on. What I do know is that I am meant to go and see Bullion tonight, but the question is if I can manage it. My stomach started hurting uncontrollably this afternoon. Had a bit of an accident as well. I know I know, I should go and see a doctor… I just can’t bring myself to do it, for many reasons. Some people don’t understand why I am taking so long, and yes they have a fair point. All I have to say is that I am doing something about it, or at least trying. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to the doctor. It just… I don’t know, a bit difficult to explain. Although I reckon I’ll be much better once the sun comes out a bit more. Or not even the sun, but a bit more daylight. I’m tired of living in this constant darkness. Or maybe it is just my own personal darkness. Either way, I can’t wait to get away. Everything feels a bit fucked up at the moment. It’s like my head is spinning in a million different directions. Need to learn how to shut things out. Not take things too personally. Perhaps expect less from people. I have this constant battle inside of me where on one side I want to shut everybody out and be left alone, and on the other side I am dying for some company and hate the fact that I feel so utterly lonely most of the time. I guess you got to give in order to receive. I am just fed up with giving so much, and never really getting anything in return. Maybe I am just a greedy, ungrateful bastard, who is incapable of appreciating what she has and always want what she cant have. You tell me…
Good evening. Im sitting in my room, sipping on juice (with no gin) and listening to Nina Simone. It has been a long day, and I am exhausted. The sun was shining today, but it was still ice cold. It made me happy for those 20 minutes I was sitting on the bus, but then as the day dragged on, and my headache became more and more unbearable, I just felt like screaming.
Nobody can quite sing the blues like Nina… There’s just something about her voice, it gives me the chills. I can sit in the dark, with only a candle burning, and listen to her voice for hours. Especially when she sings:
“You ain’t never been blue, no, no, no child. You ain’t never been blue, ’til you’ve had that mood indigo. That feeling goes stealing right down to my shoes. While I just sit here and sigh, go along blues. I always get that mood indigo, since my baby said goodbye. And in the evening when the lights are low, I’m so lonely I could cry. For there’s nobody who cares about me, I’m just a poor fool that’s bluer than blue can be. When I get that mood indigo, I could lay me down and die.”
If you can be bothered, and I really hope you can, watch the videos below. She is fucking incredible. The first one might look/sound simple, but when the drums come in, and then the vocals (not to mention the lyrics and the way she rhymes, and no I don’t mean how the words match, but the way she sings) I don’t care if you like hip-hop, or if you like rock, she is more ‘gangsta’ and more ‘rock & roll’ than many (if not ALL) of those pathetic excuses for artists that dominate the mainstream charts.
But if you’re feeling like I am feeling tonight, as in a bit down and blue, then this classic below might be more suitable. I love it approx. 2,45 into the video, when the bass comes in, at the sound of it kind of weighs down your heart a little more. And her voice, that feels like it is on the verge of breaking/crying. With the beautiful harmonies on the piano…
Oh well, I guess it is just one of those evenings. I shall leave you with something more upbeat, an American folk song if you didn’t know. My favourite version of the oh so many that exist. I hope you’re all well. Sorry for being a bit ‘off’.
This picture speaks louder than a thousand words. I have been doing a lot of boring stuff today, like washing clothes. In all honesty, I don’t mind washing, I just hate the process of hanging up all the wet clothes and then trying to put them away.
First of all, I always drop at least half of my wet load of clothes on the floor when I try to take them out of the washing machine. Now, since I don’t have a cleaner who regularly comes and cleans my house, it is safe to say that the floor is far away from being clean, which kind of takes away the essence from the whole ‘clean clothes’ scenario once they have actually fallen on the dirty floor (because the clothes are wet and all the dirt and dust just stick to them like flies stick to sugar).
Second of all, there is never enough space to hang up all the wet clothes. This results in that I have to spread out my clothes on various places in the house; on different (dusty) radiators, staircases, hangers, you name it! In theory, this wouldn’t be a problem, if the clothes actually dried rather quickly. But they don’t… I can turn up the heating to 40C in the house, stand and dry them with my hair dryer, it doesn’t help. Sometimes I truly feel like my clothes have a conspiracy against me.
Last, but not least, there is the issue of space. When my clothes are clean, and dry, and oh so very ready to be put away in their places, there’s never enough room in my wardrobe or my chest of drawers to fit them all in! Now what is that about!? I mean, I have gone through the steps above, been frustrated and angry, on the verge of tears and close to throwing them all out and set them on fire, and when I finally think I can get them out of the way and not stress about it, they won’t fit anywhere! So I need to keep them out on my sofa, where they sit and haunt me…
