Hello my friends,

I know it has been rather quiet here lately, sorry about that, just havent been in the mood or had the time to post anything. As some of you might know, I was home in Sweden for 2,5 weeks and I got back to London last Sunday. Honestly speaking, my trip home wasnt really a holiday as me and my mum were moving out of my childhood house, and it was very emotionally draining. Wont go into the details too much, but as nice as it was to see my family and friends, I am rather happy to be back here in the UK.

Very weird how half of January has gone by already, and a new year and decade is upon us as well. I had quite some time to reflect over this past year and decade when I was home. I cant deny that 2009 was a remarkable year with a lot of things happening. Saw my dad for the first time in almost 14 months and felt very awkward about the situation my parents were in. Was made redundant from my job but luckily got a new one shortly after. I travelled to the other side of the world for the first time in my life and spent 2 wonderful weeks with Gavin and his family in Australia. Got back 1 June and got swept away by twitter and the endless number of parties in the summer time. Had an amazing birthday weekend with Colin, and then celebrated it again with 4hero a week after. Was randomly asked to do a guest show for Laid Back, that turned into something so much more than I could ever have hoped for. Had my heart broken by a boy. Finally ended up in a nice house in September with 2 great housemates. Travelled to Brussels for the first time and got to meet so many fantastic people. Met the entire Space Invader crew in the autumn, which was a blast. Over-worked myself and kind of feel I neglected my friends as a result. Had a wonderful time in London with my partner in crime, Julien, from LDBK. Travelled home and saw my family late December. And probably many other things that have escaped my memory.

So whats on the horizon for 2010? Well apart from a lot more work, I don’t really know. I kind of want to spend a bit more time on myself this year. I keep wanting to do it every new year, but this year it kind of feels like I have to or I will lose it slightly. So focusing more on myself is something I will be trying to do. I would also like to travel a bit more, but that will of course be a subject for money and time, which I dont have a lot of… And of course, it would be nice to find a boyfriend, Im not going to lie. I have been single for quite some time now, and even though it is nice at times, I kind of miss having that person in my life that is like your best friend but comes with cuddles & kisses. I mean, sure, there is actually a boy that I like, but chances of us ever getting together are very slim, and they seem to be getting slimmer by the minute. And that is definitely something I need to try to change this year, falling for people who basically are a waste of time, emotions and tears. Dont get me wrong, this boy I like is rather amazing, but I should in theory have better things to do than just waiting for him to say that he likes me and want to be with me. So in 2010, I need to start a new trend in my boy-liking behaviour.

That’s about it I guess. Fairly predictable, but rather reasonable. Although I should try to make more effort to see my friends this year too.  However, all in all, the main thing in the new year is pretty much to start taking better care of myself because I have noticed that if I dont do it, nobody will do it for me.

Im off to have pancake brunch with 2 friends, and then I need to go in to the office and prepare some stuff for a meeting we have tomorrow. I hope you guys are having a nice weekend! Much love xxx

It might seem like a weird question to ask, but:

WOULD YOU LIKE ME MORE IF I WAS SKINNY?

Why am I asking? Well, I have been thinking about this whole “skinny vs fat” thing for a while. Reasons for this being many, but mainly because we are approaching 2010 and I realised this week that I have been in a constant “battle” with my weight for almost 10 years now. I wouldn’t say that I have a low self-esteem, however, when it comes to my appearance, I would say I have around zero confidence.

This zero confidence in the way I look is rooted in many things, but what made me think about and analyse these past 10 years was my mothers suggestion to get liposuction over the holidays to boost my confidence and motivate me to lose weight (and I am sorry mum for sharing this, but I felt like I had to get this all off my chest).

When my mum suggested this, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond or take it. Was I meant to get offended? Was I meant to get happy? I had very mixed feelings if I am honest, but I do know she suggested it because she loves me, and she wants me to be happy, and even more so, be happy with myself.

If I look back, I have been on almost every single diet there is, my parents suggested that I join weight watchers when I was 15 years old, which I did. Although losing all that weight might have been a confidence boost, I don’t think it really made me happy. I mean, I personally feel like there has always been too much focus from my family’s side (and our family friends) on my weight and how I look. Even if I now somehow can appreciate the fact that all those diets I was “recommended” to go on, and all those remarks & comments about my weight and my looks, were made out of love, I don’t think anybody ever realised the massive negative impact it had on me, and my perception of myself and how I look.

Then I moved to England, and safe to say, people weren’t as attractive here as in Sweden (no offence but its true!). I started feeling a bit better about myself, but it always stressed me out when I had to travel home, as I knew in advance that the first main focus from my family would be “have you lost or gained weight!?”.

I haven’t been home in Sweden since April this year, and now that my trip back is getting closer, I can feel how I am slowly starting to freak out a bit about what people will say and think about me. And it is so stupid…

I mean, this is not me trying say “its right or wrong to be skinny or fat”, this is just a personal reflection on a subject that has been one of the main focuses during most of my life. And the reason I have decided to bring it up (trust me, it took me a lot of guts to talk about this…) is because I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life being obsessed with my weight.

From a health perspective, it might be sensible for me to lose a couple of pounds. And yes, people might find me slightly more attractive if I lost weight (although I am not too sure about it), clothes might fit a bit nicer, hmmm what else? Apart from the health aspect, I can’t think of any other valid reasons.

Would it make me happier? I guess I won’t know until I try. But yet again, I doubt it.

So that is why I am asking you the question. Because I am not convinced that it matters so much in the end. And if it doesn’t, then why the hell have I been wasting my time obsessing about it, feeling bad and guilty about it? Why on earth have I made such a fucking big fuss about it?…