Hello my dear friends!
Sorry for not updating much but it has been a very difficult week. Sweden was nice but a bit weird. It was lovely to see my family and my friends, especially Anna who I have missed so much. The whole family situation was a bit strange, but I reckon it will take some time and adjustment before it will become “normal”.
For those of you who I haven’t told, I was made redundant this week. I feel horrible, because as many of you know, this job meant to world to me and I loved it so much. I feel a bit lost and scared. I know it is not the end of the world and I should perhaps see it as an opportunity to find something better. But the truth is, that it is not very easy with the given economic climate, and I am just scared that I might have to move back to Sweden if I dont find anything in the coming two weeks.
I have had great support from my old boss and all the people at the office, and I feel so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life who genuinely seems to care and want to help me out. The few of you who know has showed me massive support and I appreciate it so much.
My friend John was here from Bristol this weekend and we had a lovely time, him being here really helped me get my mind off things and not to worry too much. Plus it was nice not to be alone, I have been feeling rather lonely the past months. We had a lovely day in the city, went record shopping as it was the independent record shop day yesterday, ended up on Brick Lane having some cider in the sunshine, listening to some old school beats, and smelling the nice food stuff they were bbq-ing. Went to breakin bread night at the Jazz Cafe that was amazing, the Killer Meters were performing and they were wicked!
Now I need to clean, have a shower, and update my CV so I can start the job hunt tomorrow. I hope you all are good. Ill probably have more free time on my hands now, so please do give me a shout if you want to meet up. Lots of love!
The worst thing about being lonely is being sick and lonely. Not having anybody to take care of you. To stroke your head. To make sure you’re tucked in properly. To make you a cup of tea and make sure you’re taking your flu medication. It was a weird day at work today. I felt like shit and almost started crying like 5 times. I even had to rush in to the toilets on one occasion because I could feel my eyes filling up with tears. Met Jason very briefly after work for a coffee. Was nice to see him. Was nice to get a hug… I miss hugs. I thought I would collapse on the bus home. Finally got in, off with all my clothes, into warm comfy ones, made a cup of tea, and now I am really tempted to just disappear under my duvet and not come out until the days are longer, the wind is warmer, and the trees are greener. It would be very nice to be able to disappear completely and pretend that I wasn’t here.
I have a piercing headache, still haven’t managed to shake it off. Don’t know what’s going on. What I do know is that I am meant to go and see Bullion tonight, but the question is if I can manage it. My stomach started hurting uncontrollably this afternoon. Had a bit of an accident as well. I know I know, I should go and see a doctor… I just can’t bring myself to do it, for many reasons. Some people don’t understand why I am taking so long, and yes they have a fair point. All I have to say is that I am doing something about it, or at least trying. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to the doctor. It just… I don’t know, a bit difficult to explain. Although I reckon I’ll be much better once the sun comes out a bit more. Or not even the sun, but a bit more daylight. I’m tired of living in this constant darkness. Or maybe it is just my own personal darkness. Either way, I can’t wait to get away. Everything feels a bit fucked up at the moment. It’s like my head is spinning in a million different directions. Need to learn how to shut things out. Not take things too personally. Perhaps expect less from people. I have this constant battle inside of me where on one side I want to shut everybody out and be left alone, and on the other side I am dying for some company and hate the fact that I feel so utterly lonely most of the time. I guess you got to give in order to receive. I am just fed up with giving so much, and never really getting anything in return. Maybe I am just a greedy, ungrateful bastard, who is incapable of appreciating what she has and always want what she cant have. You tell me…
Good evening. Im sitting in my room, sipping on juice (with no gin) and listening to Nina Simone. It has been a long day, and I am exhausted. The sun was shining today, but it was still ice cold. It made me happy for those 20 minutes I was sitting on the bus, but then as the day dragged on, and my headache became more and more unbearable, I just felt like screaming.
Nobody can quite sing the blues like Nina… There’s just something about her voice, it gives me the chills. I can sit in the dark, with only a candle burning, and listen to her voice for hours. Especially when she sings:
“You ain’t never been blue, no, no, no child. You ain’t never been blue, ’til you’ve had that mood indigo. That feeling goes stealing right down to my shoes. While I just sit here and sigh, go along blues. I always get that mood indigo, since my baby said goodbye. And in the evening when the lights are low, I’m so lonely I could cry. For there’s nobody who cares about me, I’m just a poor fool that’s bluer than blue can be. When I get that mood indigo, I could lay me down and die.”
If you can be bothered, and I really hope you can, watch the videos below. She is fucking incredible. The first one might look/sound simple, but when the drums come in, and then the vocals (not to mention the lyrics and the way she rhymes, and no I don’t mean how the words match, but the way she sings) I don’t care if you like hip-hop, or if you like rock, she is more ‘gangsta’ and more ‘rock & roll’ than many (if not ALL) of those pathetic excuses for artists that dominate the mainstream charts.
But if you’re feeling like I am feeling tonight, as in a bit down and blue, then this classic below might be more suitable. I love it approx. 2,45 into the video, when the bass comes in, at the sound of it kind of weighs down your heart a little more. And her voice, that feels like it is on the verge of breaking/crying. With the beautiful harmonies on the piano…
Oh well, I guess it is just one of those evenings. I shall leave you with something more upbeat, an American folk song if you didn’t know. My favourite version of the oh so many that exist. I hope you’re all well. Sorry for being a bit ‘off’.
Hello dear friends.
Sorry for the rubbish updates. Things just haven’t really been on my side this week. I have been swamped with work, but also, my illness with my stomach has become really bad. Which has lead to that I have spent most of this week in horrible pain, not getting much sleep at all, and as a result just been really exhausted and tired. And if that wasn’t bad enough, my internet connection has started to fail me once again, leading to the horrible fact that I haven’t been able to upload my latest podcast (which by the way is fucking amazing and I can’t wait to share it with you all!)
I don’t have anything exciting to share. I have basically been a copy of death this week, not really doing anything apart from working, crying and sleeping. However, I don’t think this whole being ill and in pain thing suits me very well. And it frustrates me that I can’t be my normal happy self. So obviously, some ‘drastic’ actions have to be taken. As many have pointed out this week, I should go and see a doctor, which makes perfect sense I guess, I just don’t really like them since they’ve never been able to help me in the past. But I will get my act together and book an appointment for next week. And of course, there are a lot of other things I need to deal with as well. Although I shall spare you from all the boring details, and instead reassure you that the podcast will go up sometime tomorrow (if the internet gods are on my side).
I hope you have a lovely weekend! Much love! Orsi x
This picture speaks louder than a thousand words. I have been doing a lot of boring stuff today, like washing clothes. In all honesty, I don’t mind washing, I just hate the process of hanging up all the wet clothes and then trying to put them away.
First of all, I always drop at least half of my wet load of clothes on the floor when I try to take them out of the washing machine. Now, since I don’t have a cleaner who regularly comes and cleans my house, it is safe to say that the floor is far away from being clean, which kind of takes away the essence from the whole ‘clean clothes’ scenario once they have actually fallen on the dirty floor (because the clothes are wet and all the dirt and dust just stick to them like flies stick to sugar).
Second of all, there is never enough space to hang up all the wet clothes. This results in that I have to spread out my clothes on various places in the house; on different (dusty) radiators, staircases, hangers, you name it! In theory, this wouldn’t be a problem, if the clothes actually dried rather quickly. But they don’t… I can turn up the heating to 40C in the house, stand and dry them with my hair dryer, it doesn’t help. Sometimes I truly feel like my clothes have a conspiracy against me.
Last, but not least, there is the issue of space. When my clothes are clean, and dry, and oh so very ready to be put away in their places, there’s never enough room in my wardrobe or my chest of drawers to fit them all in! Now what is that about!? I mean, I have gone through the steps above, been frustrated and angry, on the verge of tears and close to throwing them all out and set them on fire, and when I finally think I can get them out of the way and not stress about it, they won’t fit anywhere! So I need to keep them out on my sofa, where they sit and haunt me…
So Im binging on some good ol’ music. What you up to?
Im still ill, still overworking, still need a good nights sleep. Meeting up with Nick tonight to discuss next weekends video shoot. Must admit that I am rather excited. However, I need to re-load my batteries somehow this weekend. Pay day tomorrow. I cannot believe I am earning LESS money with my pay rise. Its a fucking disgrace! Not happy. Time for work.
