So I’m having a rather shitty end to this very long day. Don’t quite understand what’s going on, but I just bursted out in tears.
I’ve started to feel like I have 2 people living inside of my head lately. Or no, that’s not quite true, I have a lot of demons in my head, but I feel like some of those have started to have a very active role in my life.
I’m sure you’re probably sick & tired of reading about all this nonsense but I have to get it out of me…
I have days when I’m so happy and content with my life. However, I have noticed how the more insecure and unhappy orsi keeps popping up more and more lately, and she is once again putting all these weird thoughts in my head.
For example, I recorded my 5th official radio show this week. It is packed with lots of sunny vibes and I was really happy with how it turned out. Then earlier tonight I read something somewhere on the internet (can’t remember where this very second) and it literally felt like my whole world just crumbled into pieces. (yes I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it’s true)
I mean, I love doing these shows so much, and the fact that people say they like them makes me happier than any words can describe. But let’s be honest for a minute, I have fuck all to offer compared to the rest of the people who are doing their shows. It’s not like I’m some kind of music specialst, I know a couple of things, but compared to the rest I’m just an average joe who happens to have a few good tunes to play every now and again. I don’t really play any new or exciting music, and when I speak it’s usually just a load of crap I say in the heat of the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it truly means the world to me that some of you like it, but I just don’t understand why.
When I look around the web, and see all these great people doing their thing, whether it’s music or photography or writing or something else creative, and I compare my “work” to theirs, I feel like an utter and complete loser. And maybe that’s my problem, maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Then again, I don’t want to be wasting your time with my bullshit.
Perhaps I’m just having a bad evening… But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how grateful and happy I am to be doing what i’m doing, and no matter how hard I work and bust my ass off, I always feel like I’m letting you down…
I’m nobody special, and what I do is certainly not as high quality as so much other stuff out there. The fact that you put up with me and support me, regardless of these things, well, that’s just remarkable. I feel blessed to have you all in my life and I have so much love for you. I just wish I was better and had more to offer you…
Ok I’ll shut up now. Sorry.
I am offering a cute little ninja panda to who ever that is willing to spend some time, love and effection on her.
Description:
- She is maybe not the best looking panda in the world, but this is of course a matter of individual taste, and she has been referred to as “cute” on many occasions.
- She has a very silly sense of humor and usually ends up laughing the loudest & longest at her own jokes.
- She can be a little messy from time to time, but responds well to guilt, and makes more of an effort once you’ve made her feel guilty for not cleaning or putting away things.
- She loves to cook, and her food usually turns out very tasty if I may say so myself, so if you want somebody who will spoil your stomach with delicious food, she is the panda for you!
- She has a decent taste in music, but is always on the look out to explore new things, so you being into music would definitely be a plus. Oh and she loves making little playlists for daily things such as washing up and drinking your morning coffee. So if you’re looking for somebody to supply you with a daily soundtrack to your life, you can’t go wrong with this little panda!
- She can be some what stubborn at times, and she usually never gives in once her mind is made up. But a bit of flattering can sometimes make her loosen her stubborn ways.
- She is very cuddley and is in need of daily cuddles (at least 2/day) and a lot of effection. If you cannot offer this, please do not reply as this is very crucial for her well being and happiness.
- She is very loyal and trustworthy. She values her friends and family very high and would do almost anything for them.
- She is usually a very happy little panda and does her best to brighten up your day.
So if this is a little ninja Panda that you would be interested in having, please leave a comment and the most suitable person will be contacted as soon as possible. Thank you!
Good evening!
Hope you’re all well and enjoying the weekend. I got home half an hour ago and managed to swallow a hole bag of microwave popcorn in 15 minutes… Now I am enjoying a glass of wine and trying to organise my life. It has been one of the most stressful days ever. I am exhausted and it feels like I haven’t slept for weeks!
As some of you might know, I am meant to be moving this weekend. But we have been having problems with the money transactions due to the stupid way the banks operate here in England, and also because of the fact that our new estate agents don’t take cash AND seem reluctant to let us move in this weekend. The whole situation is really stressing me out as we need to hand over our place Tuesday morning, and if we cant move this weekend, I have to take a day off work Monday, and obviously move into new place as well as clean this place on the same day… But enough about that!
Apart from the moving madness it looks like I have a very busy, but extremely exciting Autumn ahead of me. I am in preparations of launching my own show on Laid Back Radio which I am overly excited about. The whole Laid Back crew are such an amazing group of people, and I feel so blessed and privileged to be able to get involved with them. I don’t think there are enough words and love in the world that can express how I feel about it. I promise to keep you in the loop of things when it comes to the show. Obviously, I have never done a radio show before, so I have a big learning curve ahead of me, but I am hoping you will all tune in and kind of grow & learn with me, seeing as ultimately, I am doing it as much for you guys as I am doing it for myself. (one Love…)
And if the show, my normal job, and this move wasn’t enough to keep me busy, I have also been asked to be involved in a very special project. I don’t really want to give away too many details, as Im not sure how much I am allowed to say & share at the moment. But that is also another amazing thing that I feel extremely lucky to be part of. So yeah, stay tuned as I will reveal all of it in due time.
In addition to all this, I am also planning a trip over to Brussels that will hopefully take place in October so I can see my Belgian fam. Will be great to see the peeps from On-Point, Onda Sonora, Laid Back, catch up with Lefto, and of course, get the opportunity to meet some new interesting people. Actually, I have to give mad props and love to all of you from Belgium who tunes in and reads this blog. You have passed my home countries Sweden AND Hungary/Romania in terms of visitors. I am genuinely thrilled to be going over and check out the scene. It seems like an amazing place (no matter what Bart says haha) and you all seem like such lovely people. So yeah, THANK YOU for reading and for visiting, it truly means so much to me.
Right, I should get back to recording my show… Hope you’re having a great evening. Much love! x
Good afternoon my darlings!
I hope you’re enjoying this very warm and somewhat sunny Thursday afternoon. Need to write some thoughts down that have been circulating in my head lately, and it’s in regards to this whole ”thing” about being a girl and being into/working with music.
There are two reoccurring “themes” that keep popping up every now and again, and I just want to address them once and for all, since they are starting to slightly annoy me:
1. “I didn’t know girls were into this kind of music…”
I hate this expression, and I very much dislike when people say it to me (even if they sometimes say it a good way). What correlation is there between my gender and what music I’m into? NONE, absolutely none. Ok, fair enough, there might not be a lot of girls in certain “scenes” or what ever you want to call it, but I wouldn’t say that it is because of the fact that they are girls and rather listen to some shitty R&B or pop. Trust me when I say that there are plenty of girls out there who love a heavy beat and a fat bass. You might not find them in the places where you think you would, but that doesn’t rule out the fact that they exist. They are just as common as all the guys who like shitty mainstream music.
2. “You’re a girl, so of course it is easier for you…”
Ok, let me first point out that I am a nobody. I was blessed and lucky enough to get accepted and join the Brownswood family 1,5 year ago now, and yes, because of that I got the chance to meet some incredible people. But, I don’t make music and I don’t DJ, and apart from being passionate about music and having the intention of maybe one day start working with it again, I don’t consider myself part of the music scene here in London.
I get a lot of people taking the piss out of me or asking me how I know this and this person, how I know about this and this event etc and for most of them, it almost always boils down to the fact that I am a girl and therefore I get special treatment. And my response to that is: The reason why I know these people, why I get invited to these events, have some of that (what they like to call) “underground music” is because I MAKE AN EFFORT. I listen to their music, I buy their music, I play their music, I go to their events, I contact them and tell them I like their stuff, I write to other people and recommend their stuff, I write in this blog about them, if I can help them in any other way or form I’ll go and help them. I put in a lot of my time and effort doing all these things. Not because I have to or because I want to be cool/be recognised/whatever, I do it because I genuinely love music, because I am passionate about the art behind making it, and because I truly care and want to help these people succeed in every way I can.
You say: I have it easy because I am a girl and that I get treated differently
I say: it is people like you that treat me differently because I am a girl.
However, that doesn’t necessarily mean I/we girls have it easier. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself because I am a girl, and I am sure Im not the only one who feels that way.
Bottom line is, when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. If you have the passion and you have the will to push forward and do what it takes to achieve your goals/dreams (whatever they might be) I am confident in the fact that you will.
Right, rant over. Thanks for that, needed to get that out of my system. Much love! x
Good morning my darlings!
Ahhh, feels so good sitting by a computer! (not my own though…) Woke up this morning to find out that my twitter account had been hacked. Great! Technology really hasn’t been on my side this weekend. After a lot of texting, I finally managed to get hold of Ashley so I could borrow her laptop, and here I am now. Twitter account has been fixed (hopefully) and I guess I can continue with this lazy sunday. Still missing my music, but just realised that Ash has spotify, so I might login and satisfy my musical cravings. Oh, coffee is ready! I shall be back later. x
Good morning!
So, horrible news, my laptop died last night! The screen went bright blue, I rebooted, and my dear pc was telling me that a Windowns root file was either missing or damaged… I almost had a little meltdown. A big thank you to all of you who called and emailed to offer your help, it really meant a lot to me.
I’m sitting in the livingroom now, writing this on my iPhone. Feels a bit strange, but what has struck me the most is how dependant I am on my computer. I’m not gonna lie, the thought of losing about 6-7 years worth of pictures and documents (such as articles, texts, poems, song lyrics, letters etc that I have written) makes me really sad. They might not be that good, but they have a big value to me, kind of like my blog. It’s like a referrence point, a bit like with music, I can go back and see/read things, have a giggle to myself, and actually appreciate the fact that have grown and developed and changed as a person. Don’t know if that makes any sense, but I like looking back, because it reminds me (especially when i feel a bit down) of how far I’ve actually come, all the struggle and work I’ve put into being where I am and having what I got, and even if it’s not very much, it does help me appreciate things in life in a different way.
Either way, what I usually used to love about Saturdays is that I could get up, make myself some coffee, and do a bit of blogging. So safe to say, I felt a bit lost this morning when I couldn’t do my usual routine.
I have a couple of posts I need to write because they have been circulating in my mind for a while now. Hopefully I can get the laptop fixed by tomorrow evening, but if not, please excuse my poor updates from now on.
I hope you have a lovely Saturday, the sun is shining on north London, and I’m off to see my best friend david. Much love to you all! X
I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!
Makes me miss Malmö.
Kind of goes with how I am feeling today… Will give you a proper update tonight. For now, just enjoy the song “Better Days” by Speech Debelle (Feat. Micachu)
Say it with a song…
Morning. I am sitting at work feeling like a zombie. Had the worst sleep EVER last night and I feel rather rough today. I am just hoping it won’t rain. That would be the cherry on top of it all.
Apart from a horrible sleep the weekend was ok. Was feeling rather shit Saturday. Not due to the Quantic gig on Friday, but more in the line of stomach pains. Sunday was nice up until a certain point. Went and saw Sophie and had a proper catch up/gossip session. And now it is another week and I need to get on with things…
I hope this super duper extra coffee will wake me up or I might just have to take a nap under my desk. Maybe.
