Last day of the third week of training for the Berlin Half Marathon and let me tell you – this week has been the shittiest week of 2012. No joke.
Without really going into anything other than running, this week was hard as hell.
It started out with some ‘issues’ that I won’t dwell or go on about because as far as I know, everything has been talked about and resolved, but let’s just say that a situation occurred that kind of made me very sad, disappointed and a bit upset.
On top of that, this no smoking business had resulted in pretty much insomnia. I had been getting on average about 3 hours sleep per night for roughly two weeks, which is not a lot when you need to be up by 6am the very latest every weekday morning to squeeze in either run or a bootcamp session before work.
Safe to say that the tiredness got the best of me – all I wanted to do was to cry my eyes out, dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.
Everything was a struggle and I just couldn’t see how it was going to get any better.
After having a lovely run, and the longest one I have ever done, with Run Dem Cew on Tuesday, I went for another one on Saturday and it bloody hurt! Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am a beginner, but so far running has never really hurt in the way it hurt on Saturday. My legs, my feet, my thighs, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, everything hurt.
I wasn’t even doing my long run, “only” 3,5 miles and I felt like my body was going to fall apart. How the hell am I meant to run 13 miles if I am on my third official week of training and my body is falling apart after less than a quarter of the distance!?
I wasn’t happy but I tried not to think about it. Until I woke up this morning, on my “long run day”, and felt like my entire existence was shouting NO to running. The thought of having to go for a run was actually so upsetting that I started crying.
And before you start judging me – yes I do look horrible on that picture, yes I was silly enough to take a picture of myself looking that bad whilst crying my eyes out, BUT, how am I meant to share this journey with you all if I am not honest and show you EVERYTHING of what I am going through.
So I cried for a while, tweeted about how I didnt want to go for a run, and then decided to stop being silly and just do it because I would feel much worse about the situation if I didn’t go.
Little did I know that whilst I was crying a bit more and preparing to go out for this very much dreaded run, people were saying all kinds of encouraging and wonderful things to me on twitter:
I really wish I would have seen this before I went out, because it wasn’t really a very pretty run…
I got to 0,75 miles and started crying because I just didn’t want to be out there. I didn’t want to be running and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even done a mile.
When I got to 1,5 miles I was cussing everybody in my head.
I was cussing myself for having met Charlie Dark and for him to have started Run Dem Crew.
I was cussing Bangs for asking me to join Team Bangs and for making me feel so passionate about the team and the girls and this achievement and for getting me into running when in fact I was probably much happier when I was fat, lazy, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not giving a flying toss about any stupid half marathon.
I was cussing all my girls in Team Bangs for being so lovely and great people and for making me looking forward to getting up in the morning to go training and for feeling so blessed about sharing this journey with them, because it is a crap journey that is too much effort and hard work.
I was cussing every person I have met in Run Dem Crew, at the sessions or online, for being so into this stupid fucking thing called running and for being so nice and encouraging to me. I mean, who the hell owns and wears so much lycra anyway!?!
It even got to the point where I was cussing my parents for making me and my mum for giving birth to me.
Yes it really got that bad. It got to the point where I literally wished I had not been born at all.
This was where I had my second cry. I think it was around 3,75 miles when I realised how far I had left to run.
I couldn’t breathe, my legs and shoulders were hurting, and I was seriously considering running in front of a car just so I could put myself out of my misery.
But somehow I carried on.
I was thinking of Berlin, of how everything was hurting, of how I’d never be able to do 13 miles, of how Candie was right – Come race day I would be there on my own. Me and the pavement. Nobody to run for me, nobody to carry me over the finish line. Every man/woman on their own.
And during all of it, I had the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear:
How all this wasn’t worth it.
How I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
How I wasn’t “built” for running anyway.
How my life would be so much easier if I didn’t train for this stupid half marathon.
How nobody would care if I just stopped running now and not in 2,5 miles.
How it was ok to walk a little if I needed.
Every single excuse you can think of, you can believe that the little devil whispered it to me. And I listened, and I took it in, hell, I even agreed with some of it.
But I didn’t stop.
After the last excuse I turned my head to the little angel that had been hiding behind my other shoulder, smiled, and tried to run the last mile as fast as I could.
That is when I had my third cry.
Then I got home and was greeted by these wonderful words (I can’t say thank you enough to all of you – I was blown away with how amazing and supporting and encouraging you all are!):
I am going to be honest with you all – I have no idea why I didn’t stop. It would have been so easy and nobody was there with me so nobody would have known anyway.
Maybe it was pride, maybe it was because I was determined not to, maybe it was just luck – I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I am ultimately doing this because I want to be able to wake up every morning and be the best person I can be.
And I know that sounds cheesey, and a bit ‘self-help’/motivational coach bull-shit talk, but it is the truth.
That is the goal and I need to remember that, especially on the bad days and weeks.
Why? Because you need the bad to appreciate the good.
And people can take the piss and people can laugh, but I know that I will come out of this as a better person.
It’s not easy, and this week definitely was a reality check compared to the two previous weeks when I started to think that it might be a piece of cake to run 13 miles after all. It has grounded me, made me think and definitely made me appreciate rest days!
So much love and respect to all of you who are going through this journey as well.
And much love and thank yous to all of you who have been encouraging me to go out there and smash it. Words are not enough for me to express how much I appreciate and value your support.
Morning my friends!
Sorry for the radio silence but I have been incredibly ill this past week :( It started out very innocently. I had a sore throat on Wednesday morning, nothing special right? So I went about my business, but by the end of the day it felt like my entire throat would close up. I didn’t pay much attention to it and went to an evening meeting after work, but by the time I was on my way home I thought I was going to pass out. My throat had closed up entirely, my body felt like a painful bowl of spaghetti and I felt increasingly light headed. I got so worked up trying my best to get home without passing out that I apparently had a very bad panic attack as soon as I stepped through the door.
Can’t remember much, but I basically slept for 48 hours because I was in too much pain to get out of bed. And when I did I needed assistance because I was too weak to walk on my own. Managed to get my sorry ass to the doctor, who said that I had a very severe throat inflammation that apparently had spread to my body – hence the painful & weak limbs. She gave me lots of drugs and by Sunday I started to feel a bit more human, I could walk around in the flat on my own and my throat & ears didn’t hurt as much.
Now it’s Tuesday and I am almost back to normal (minus all the snot that keeps coming…).
I got some super exciting news for you all, but I have to rush to work. So keep your eyes on the blog for more details later today!
Hope you’re all well! x
Afternoon!
I’m on my lunch break so decided to have a massive rant about an issue that will either drive me mad or give me a stomach ulcer: People on public transport in London!
I spend an average of 2½ hours commuting in London every day. I can guarantee you that if I actually carried out all the horrible things I imagine doing to other people on the tube/bus I would most likely end up in prison or a mental institution.
I have been thinking about doing a nice PDF for people to be able to download and send to their friends and family when it comes to London public transport etiquette, but I don’t have the time to make one. So instead of that I will now share a list with you that includes things that results in me hating mankind a little bit more every day:
RUSH HOUR:
- People who cut in front of you in the queue – Excuse me!? Have I not been standing here for longer than you? Why on earth would you think that your time is more precious than mine or that your appointment is more important than mine? Twat!
- People who walk up/down stairs/other spaces that clearly says “NO ENTRY” – What part of “NO ENTRY” do you not comprehend!? Has it ever crossed your selfish mind that you shouldn’t use “NO ENTRY” places because there are people going the opposite way? Twat!
- People who insist on pushing & shoving from behind – Pushing & shoving me from behind, stepping on my heals and generally make me feel pissed off is NOT going to make you get anywhere any faster. If I could walk any faster I would! Twat!
- People who cut in front of you/refuse to let passengers off the train first – What the heeee… You better watch out so I don’t trip you over next time you try to cut in front of me. Since when did you get a priority boarding card!? Twat!
- People who “steal” your seat – I was just polite and moved away a tiny bit so the person on the seat could get off the train. What gives you the right to cut in front and steal the seat I have been waiting for since 7 stops back?? Twat!
- People who don’t stand up & give their seat to elderly/pregnant/disabled people – I feel like smacking these idiots on the head. YOU CAN SEE THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE IN NEED OF SITTING DOWN YET YOU DECIDE TO IGNORE THEM / LOOK ELSEWHERE SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR SEAT!? DID YOUR MOTHER NOT TEACH YOU ANYTHING ABOUT RESPECT AND PROPER BEHAVIOUR YOU TWAT!
- People who don’t move when you are trying to get off the train – How many times do I have to say EXCUSE ME before you let me pass!? Or do you want a tap dance routine with some singing in order to just let me off !? Twat!
- People who insist on reading their fucking book/paper/kindle/ipad when the train is so packed that you feel like a sardine in a tin. - Look… I am already having this one persons armpit in my face, that other persons elbow in my back, that third persons foot on MY FOOT, the last thing I really need is you shoving that fucking thing in my face. Yes, because you can’t wait until you get off/home/to work to read about why Rihanna isn’t getting laid. Twat!
- People who don’t move down the carriage/bus - Just move the fuck down the carriage/bus, it’s not rocket science! For more people to fit on here you got to move down. Stop making everybody late because you don’t want to leave your precious place. Twat!
- People who obstruct the doors – There is another train in 2 minutes – 2 MINUTES!!!! Why do you need to cram yourself into an already packed carriage and delaying us all because the doors won’t close properly with your fat ass hanging out the train. WHY!?!? Twat!
- People who walk slower than if they were crawling – It’s called RUSH-hour for a reason! People are in a hurry and it would be fantastic if you could do whatever it is that you are doing on a time where you are free to be as slow and lazy as you wish, maybe on SLOW-hour, what do I know? But on RUSH-hour, we RUSH!
- People who just… stop. And stay there – What.Are.You.Doing.????!!!! If you don’t know how to read a map you and you are over 13 years old you should probably not be allowed to be in London on your own. And if you don’t know where you are going or you feel confused, it’s fine, just feel confused & lost SOMEWHERE ELSE AND NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAIRS / PATH WHERE PEOPLE ARE WALKING!
IN GENERAL:
- People who eat smelly food & leave their left-overs/garbage
- People who listen to shit music very loudly on headphones/straight out of their phones
- People who insist on scream-talking on their mobiles
- People who can’t find their oysters and stand in the way for everybody whilst they look for it
- People who fart
- People who leave their bags on the seat so people can’t sit down
- People who sit on the “outer seat” and refuse to move in next to the window/wall
- People who don’t stand up to let you out from the “inner seat”
I could go on forever… but I have to get back to work. I feel much better though now that all that is out of my system.
Morning all!
Just read the previous entry, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Too serious and overly analytical for my own good, especially when I’m left on my own. Oh well, it is what it is, Im sure it will work out in the end.
Anywaaaay, couldn’t get this Weldon Irvine tune out of my head this morning… slightly fitting considering the circumstances.
Ever been in the position where you try so hard not to think about something that you end up constantly thinking about it? Yeah, well that’s the situation I’m in. And the harder I try not to, the more difficult it gets, and the more I keep obsessing about it. Kind of like the whole “don’t press the red button” thing, all you want to do is to press the goddamn button!
Despite my greatest efforts of trying to ignore a certain thing that’s happened in my life recently, I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible. I initially didn’t want to write anything about it on the blog, but a month has gone by and the more I try to just get on with things and not think about it, the more it somehow consumes me in the worst possible way.
Seeing as I usually feel better when I write things down, I figured I would give it a go…
I often wonder if I am a bad person. I mean, I know I’m not perfect, and I know that I’ve hurt people in the past (even if it wasn’t my intention), and some of them stuck around despite all of it, whilst some of them disappeared. Such is life I guess… I just cant stop doing this stupid “self-analysis” all the time.
I know from experience that sometimes you end up hurting people without even realising that you’re doing it. And it might only be after the dust settles, or some years down the line, or when somebody ends up doing the same thing to you, that it finally hits you. It’s happened to me a few times and once I’ve been able to see the picture from a different perspective, I always feel so fucking horrible and ashamed of myself.
And I wish I could call those people and go “I get it! I finally get why you thought I was such a dickhead! I am so sorry for not realising it back then, and I’m so sorry for all the pain and hurt I might have caused you.” But of course, I never do… Not because I don’t want to, but I get the feeling that they might not want to hear from me, or at least not hear from me where I dig up all that shit from the past.
Which brings me to my current dilemma. What do you do when somebody you love and care about pushes you away? And not just once, but several times. Normally, especially in this specific situation, I would fight for it not to happen, and I would take on all the blame and all the faults, and accept being the person in the wrong, and swallow my pride, and basically make so many exceptions that I normally never would, just to be able to be in that persons life.
But just like most people, I have my limits, and maybe I was pushed too far, I don’t know… All I know is that it came to a point where I had enough. No matter what I said or what I did, I somehow ended up being the person in the wrong. And maybe that was a consequence of me willingly taking on that role in the past to somehow uphold the peace, but let me tell you something, it’s absolutely exhausting having to do it all the time!
When it all happened I was just tired angry, but the anger quickly disappeared, and as time passed by, the more sad I became, and the sadder I became, the more I started to question my role in what had happened.
Maybe I am a selfish bitch? Maybe I am the kind of person who uses people to get ahead and then chuck them away when I have no use for them? Maybe I am the kind of person who doesn’t give a shit about anybody else apart from myself? Maybe I am a really horrible person and somehow, I’ve become so delusional that I don’t think I am?
Or maybe I’m just stupid? Maybe I shouldn’t take and accept so much shit from people I love, because then it will somehow be expected of me to do it all the time? And if I am so stupid that I put up with it for so long, then I kind of deserve it all if it comes back and slaps me in the face. But do I really?
I’m going to be honest with you – I don’t have a fucking idea…
It’s been a month and I still don’t have any answers or solutions. I wish I could take all these feelings and thoughts, put them all in a tiny box, close it up and hide it somewhere far far away. But I can’t. Just like I can’t stop the guilt and bad feelings that sweep over me whenever I am reminded of the people I accidentally hurt in the past.
I might not be the best person in the world, but I try to be as good as I possibly can. And on occasions, I do fuck up, we all do, it’s part of being human. So maybe I shouldn’t get so hung up about these sort of things and just carry on with my life.
I just find it extremely difficult.
Haven’t been feeling my best today… This stupid flu refuses to let go, too many things on my mind, and just feel generally sad & down. Not a good look, especially when the sun has finally decided to make a bit of a more regular appearance in our otherwise rather grey and dull sky. Hopefully it will all pass soon, I hate feeling like this.
So I’m having a rather shitty end to this very long day. Don’t quite understand what’s going on, but I just bursted out in tears.
I’ve started to feel like I have 2 people living inside of my head lately. Or no, that’s not quite true, I have a lot of demons in my head, but I feel like some of those have started to have a very active role in my life.
I’m sure you’re probably sick & tired of reading about all this nonsense but I have to get it out of me…
I have days when I’m so happy and content with my life. However, I have noticed how the more insecure and unhappy orsi keeps popping up more and more lately, and she is once again putting all these weird thoughts in my head.
For example, I recorded my 5th official radio show this week. It is packed with lots of sunny vibes and I was really happy with how it turned out. Then earlier tonight I read something somewhere on the internet (can’t remember where this very second) and it literally felt like my whole world just crumbled into pieces. (yes I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it’s true)
I mean, I love doing these shows so much, and the fact that people say they like them makes me happier than any words can describe. But let’s be honest for a minute, I have fuck all to offer compared to the rest of the people who are doing their shows. It’s not like I’m some kind of music specialst, I know a couple of things, but compared to the rest I’m just an average joe who happens to have a few good tunes to play every now and again. I don’t really play any new or exciting music, and when I speak it’s usually just a load of crap I say in the heat of the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it truly means the world to me that some of you like it, but I just don’t understand why.
When I look around the web, and see all these great people doing their thing, whether it’s music or photography or writing or something else creative, and I compare my “work” to theirs, I feel like an utter and complete loser. And maybe that’s my problem, maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to others. Then again, I don’t want to be wasting your time with my bullshit.
Perhaps I’m just having a bad evening… But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter how grateful and happy I am to be doing what i’m doing, and no matter how hard I work and bust my ass off, I always feel like I’m letting you down…
I’m nobody special, and what I do is certainly not as high quality as so much other stuff out there. The fact that you put up with me and support me, regardless of these things, well, that’s just remarkable. I feel blessed to have you all in my life and I have so much love for you. I just wish I was better and had more to offer you…
Ok I’ll shut up now. Sorry.
