Yesterday I did my first ever 8 miles in snow!! It was amazing and I still can’t believe I managed to do it without moaning and being angry at the world.

Words can’t express how thankful I am that despite being the only person who turned up for the “snow run” at Crystal Palace at 9am, Dommy was kind enough to run with me (I am a snail compared to him so I am sure he was doing me a much bigger favour than I was doing him).

Safe to say that it lifted my “running spirit” from last week when I was really down, and I can officially confirm that I am back on my little cloud of excitement when it comes to Berlin and the half marathon.

Not sure if I have told you all,(maybe I have but I can’t remember), but I am aiming to do the Berlin Half Marathon in 2 hours.

Yes – that is a bit crazy considering I’ve never done a half marathon before, as well as only being a wannabe runner for about 2 months now.

But I don’t care!

If there is one thing I’ve learnt in life so far it is that you shouldn’t be scared of aiming “too high” and working hard on getting where you want to be. I know people chuckle when I say it, but I really do believe that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!

I only have to look at the 5 weeks I have been running and training with team Bangs to see that it is true.

I mean, I’m not going to lie – I love the fact that I look slimmer now that I run and the thought of becoming super hot & sexy puts the biggest smile on my face.

After being chubby or “fat” for so many many years and hating the way I looked, and actually feeling ASHAMED of the way I looked for so long, to finally start having the complete opposite feelings is a fantastic experience and I don’t care if you call me shallow – it is the truth and I wont deny it.

However, that is still not the most important bit of this journey for me so far. (although I do have a long way to go so I might have a few by the end of it hahaha)

I know that once again this sounds super cheesy, but the best part for me so far has been the feeling that I belong somewhere and that my efforts and hard work is being appreciated instead of being looked down upon. And it might sound weird but it’s true.

I want to do better so I can give back and help people who might be in the position I was in when I started. And yes 5 weeks is a fart in the wind, but for me Team Bangs and Run Dem Crew really is about those things:
Becoming better at what you are passionate about (which is not *just* running) and giving back and helping others to become better too.

And not in a preachy or ‘I am better than you therefore you should listen to me’ kind of way!

On the running and training side of things it’s not about becoming a fitness freak…
It’s not about punishing yourself and not allowing yourself to enjoy certain pleasures in life such as chocolate or a bacon sandwich or sex or whatever.

It’s about pushing yourself to become better, about being determined, about making a plan and sticking to it – but also about sharing your story and encouraging other people and effectively showing the world that anything is possible with passion, determination and hard work.

I’ve said it before but I will say it again – Everything in life is hard work, especially the things worth having.

So unless you are part of a very very small minority, things will not be given to you on a silver platter. You will have to work hard and then some.

And people will mock you, they will tell you it’s impossible, they will try to convince you that you can’t do it.

And if that wasn’t enough, you will fail many times, and you will make mistakes, and you will feel like the biggest idiot and loser on the planet from time to time.

And all this (plus more!) will make you want to give up, to tell yourself it’s not worth the sacrifices, it’s not worth the pain and tears.

But it is.

Don’t be scared of dreaming and aiming too high. And definitely don’t be scared of following your dreams, it is possible to do anything but you really have to want it and work hard for it.

IF THEY ASK FOR 100%
AIM FOR 110%

Without really going into anything other than running, this week was hard as hell.

It started out with some ‘issues’ that I won’t dwell or go on about because as far as I know, everything has been talked about and resolved, but let’s just say that a situation occurred that  kind of made me very sad, disappointed and a bit upset.

On top of that, this no smoking business had resulted in pretty much insomnia. I had been getting on average about 3 hours sleep per night for roughly two weeks, which is not a lot when you need to be up by 6am the very latest every weekday morning to squeeze in either run or a bootcamp session before work.

Safe to say that the tiredness got the best of me – all I wanted to do was to cry my eyes out, dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.

Everything was a struggle and I just couldn’t see how it was going to get any better.

After having a lovely run, and the longest one I have ever done, with Run Dem Cew on Tuesday, I went for another one on Saturday and it bloody hurt! Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am a beginner, but so far running has never really hurt in the way it hurt on Saturday. My legs, my feet, my thighs, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, everything hurt.

I wasn’t even doing my long run, “only” 3,5 miles and I felt like my body was going to fall apart. How the hell am I meant to run 13 miles if I am on my third official week of training and my body is falling apart after less than a quarter of the distance!?

I wasn’t happy but I tried not to think about it. Until I woke up this morning, on my “long run day”, and felt like my entire existence was shouting NO to running. The thought of having to go for a run was actually so upsetting that I started crying.

And before you start judging me – yes I do look horrible on that picture, yes I was silly enough to take a picture of myself looking that bad whilst crying my eyes out, BUT, how am I meant to share this journey with you all if I am not honest and show you EVERYTHING of what I am going through.

So I cried for a while, tweeted about how I didnt want to go for a run, and then decided to stop being silly and just do it because I would feel much worse about the situation if I didn’t go.

Little did I know that whilst I was crying a bit more and preparing to go out for this very much dreaded run, people were saying all kinds of encouraging and wonderful things to me on twitter:

I really wish I would have seen this before I went out, because it wasn’t really a very pretty run…

I got to 0,75 miles and started crying because I just didn’t want to be out there. I didn’t want to be running and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even done a mile.

When I got to 1,5 miles I was cussing everybody in my head.

I was cussing myself for having met Charlie Dark and for him to have started Run Dem Crew.

I was cussing Bangs for asking me to join Team Bangs and for making me feel so passionate about the team and the girls and this achievement and for getting me into running when in fact I was probably much happier when I was fat, lazy, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not giving a flying toss about any stupid half marathon.

I was cussing all my girls in Team Bangs for being so lovely and great people and for making me looking forward to getting up in the morning to go training and for feeling so blessed about sharing this journey with them, because it is a crap journey that is too much effort and hard work.

I was cussing every person I have met in Run Dem Crew, at the sessions or online, for being so into this stupid fucking thing called running and for being so nice and encouraging to me. I mean, who the hell owns and wears so much lycra anyway!?!

It even got to the point where I was cussing my parents for making me and my mum for giving birth to me.

Yes it really got that bad. It got to the point where I literally wished I had not been born at all.

This was where I had my second cry. I think it was around 3,75 miles when I realised how far I had left to run.

I couldn’t breathe, my legs and shoulders were hurting, and I was seriously considering running in front of a car just so I could put myself out of my misery.

But somehow I carried on.

I was thinking of Berlin, of how everything was hurting, of how I’d never be able to do 13 miles, of how Candie was right – Come race day I would be there on my own. Me and the pavement. Nobody to run for me, nobody to carry me over the finish line. Every man/woman on their own.

And during all of it, I had the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear:

How all this wasn’t worth it.
How I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
How I wasn’t “built” for running anyway.
How my life would be so much easier if I didn’t train for this stupid half marathon.
How nobody would care if I just stopped running now and not in 2,5 miles.
How it was ok to walk a little if I needed.

Every single excuse you can think of, you can believe that the little devil whispered it to me. And I listened, and I took it in, hell, I even agreed with some of it.

But I didn’t stop.

After the last excuse I turned my head to the little angel that had been hiding behind my other shoulder, smiled, and tried to run the last mile as fast as I could.

That is when I had my third cry.

Then I got home and was greeted by these wonderful words (I can’t say thank you enough to all of you – I was blown away with how amazing and supporting and encouraging you all are!):

I am going to be honest with you all – I have no idea why I didn’t stop. It would have been so easy and nobody was there with me so nobody would have known anyway.

Maybe it was pride, maybe it was because I was determined not to, maybe it was just luck – I don’t know.

But what I do know is that I am ultimately doing this because I want to be able to wake up every morning and be the best person I can be.

And I know that sounds cheesey, and a bit ‘self-help’/motivational coach bull-shit talk, but it is the truth.

That is the goal and I need to remember that, especially on the bad days and weeks.

Why? Because you need the bad to appreciate the good.

And people can take the piss and people can laugh, but I know that I will come out of this as a better person.

It’s not easy, and this week definitely was a reality check compared to the two previous weeks when I started to think that it might be a piece of cake to run 13 miles after all. It has grounded me, made me think and definitely made me appreciate rest days!

So much love and respect to all of you who are going through this journey as well.

And much love and thank yous to all of you who have been encouraging me to go out there and smash it. Words are not enough for me to express how much I appreciate and value your support.

The fabulous J’Danna:

J’DANNA – Winter in America (Gil Scott-Heron Tribute) by 2morrows Victory Records

The talented Joey:
JOEY – Revolution (Gil Scott-Heron Tribute) by 2morrows Victory Records

Please check out the whole article about them on the Brownswood website, they deserve all the praise they can get! So spread the tunes, spread the word and share the love!

Team Bangs at SITC Bootcamp! Pic taken by Bangs

Hello my friends!

I thought I would take a break from talking about running and mention this awesome workout we do twice a week with Team Bangs called Sexy In The City Bootcamp.

I have to admit, when I first heard the name I thought it sounded really lame (sorry!) but if we ignore that, I have to say it is one of the best work-out methods I have tried in my “adult” life – and I have tried quite a few things.

People seem shocked that I have become so active lately but if you think about it, I used to be an incredibly active kid. I used to swim, dance, play tennis, play squash and so on. I had a sport activity every day of the week, sometimes even twice a day.

When I became a bit older, dancing was the most enjoyable form of exercise, but it’s just too expensive in London and so hard to find a good class. Plus they are always packed or really far away so I have never seen the point in them.

I went to the gym every morning during my last year in university and I tried to keep it up when I finished. Actually, I was so eager to go to the gym frequently that I even had a personal trainer for a few months.

But it was no use, I still HATED it so so much. All these buff guys walking around or making love to themselves with their eyes in the mirror. Or even worse, all these skinny girls in brand new gym outfits, styled hair and make up… I mean COME ON! You are meant to work out and get sweaty, it’s not a bloody beauty competition…!!!! Very off-putting to say the least.

However, despite the fact that we do the SITC bootcamp in a gym, the entire experience so different!

We are just girls doing it, in a room where other people can’t really see us, and we are all kinds of different shapes and sizes, with no make up, having a laugh whilst working hard.

We do new exercises every time, some are similar to each other, but it still doesn’t feel repetitive. It’s basically circuit training that is very intense and lasts 30 min, but we also do stretching and work on our “core”.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d enjoy it, but I am loving it! It’s a great way to cross train whilst running and the great guy usually leading the class, Phil, is just super duper awesome. He encourages us and helps us get better at all the exercises during class, and he also tweets to us and checks up on us outside of class. He, and the girls, really makes it feel like it’s worth getting up at stupid o’clock to do some hardcore exercise.

Plus, we were given the option to measure ourselves when we started doing the classes so we can track our progress as the weeks & months go by. And if that wasn’t enough, we were also given guidance on what to eat and drink so we can maximise the benefits from training and feel good.

So yeah, despite being sceptical, I have to admit that it’s just GREAT! So feel free to check out the SITC website, and follow Phil on twitter!

PS! I got some nice offers for friends who are interested in doing it, so drop me a comment or email for more details ;)

Preparing for some big changes at Fat City / Jazzman HQ. And to kick them off, my wonderful boss Jazzman decided to spend the entire weekend building a customized unit for all his rare och obscure records so he can flick through his private collection as if he was in a record shop.

This is just a little teaser, got a much longer video coming where you can see just how many records he and we have, and how they look when the are literally EVERYWHERE!

All I wanted to do was to punch through walls, shout mean, horrible, nasty words to the entire world  and cry my eyes out…

And that was despite being on a natural high in the morning when I got up at 6am (!) to do a 3 mile run (!!) and managed to beat my personal best for 5K, as well as improving my average time/mile with a minute.
(Come people, just give me some praise here, this is no walk in the park I tell ya!).

But sadly, those good feelings from the morning were memories long gone when darkness fell again.

I mean… FUCK! I know that I am doing the right thing here. I know I need to get in shape, exercise more, eat better, live healthier, but damn! Life sure doesn’t make  it easy, especially not with work, university, music, relationships and so on.

Getting in shape is one thing, but going cold turkey on fags after having had a pack of 20 every day for the past 7 years is hard-fucking-core.

I swear, those demons in my head creep up on me from time to time and really try to mess me up! And the worst part is that I can tell that if I’m not careful they will succeed.

But then I got up at 6am (again!) this morning to do a SITC bootcamp with my girls and it’s like the bad thoughts and feelings never even existed.

It’s weird… But I guess the important thing is that I’m sticking to my training plan, I’m pushing my limits as much and has hard as I can, I haven’t smoked for 6 days today AND I have a crew of the most amazing women in the entire world who just motivate me beyond anything. Soppy but bloody true.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!!
Been on repeat in my head for the past 48 hours!
Big up Trust In Dust for letting me know who made this version!

Trying to look & feel badass before my first ever attempt to run 4 miles ON MY OWN! Im scared and my thighs hurt like crazy, but fingers crossed I can do more than a mile – that’s all I managed to do a week ago today on my own… Let’s go!

— UPDATE —

So I only managed to do 3 miles in 40 minutes. Not very happy with myself but hey, at least I went out and tried my best. Did the run in Crystal Palace park, my first ever time there so wasn’t quite sure what to expect! It was pretty damn hilly on some places and my thighs started aching as soon as I started running. Not ideal and during the first mile I really considered giving up. But then I started to imagine my team bangs girls cheering me on in my head and just as I hit the 2nd mile I came to this beautiful open space with pebbles on the ground, massive archers that apparently are remains from the old palace, green grass on both sides of the massive path and the sun shining straight at me. Luckily this amazing remix of a  Wiley song came on and I just felt invincible!

I ran up the hill, down the hill, round the corners and just as I hit 3 miles my phone rang and fucked up the mental state I had worked up in my head to be able to carry on running for another mile despite my legs feeling like they were gonna collapse underneath me. I won’t lie, I felt like punching the person who had called me in the face, but then calmed down and decided to head home since it was getting a bit darker.

I guess 3 miles on my own isn’t too bad… Slightly enjoyed I didn’t do 4 but tomorrow is a new day and if my legs don’t kill me I will probably give it another go!

I stumbled through the door 10 minutes ago, got changed into my running gear, having a quick cuppa, then heading out to do my first ever attempt to run 4 miles with the oh-so-lovely Dani. It’s been a goddamn shitty day, so hopefully I won’t die or break a leg, and fingers crossed Dani will go easy on me. Will update post-run so we can see how it panned out. Wish me good luck!

— UPDATE —

I DID IT!!!!!!! Despite a shitty day, a painful & bloated stomach, getting lost on my way to see Dani, the rain and the wind I managed to run 4.16 miles in 56 minutes and 34 seconds (I reckon it was 54 minutes with all the faffing around before we started running but you know…) There were no stops, no walking, just RUNNING FOR ALMOST AN HOUR!!! It might sound like nothing to more experienced runners, but for me, who did 1.16 miles 5 days ago and almost died I think it’s a massive improvement, never thought I would be able to do it, and now I am super proud and happy! Massive thanks to Dani & her sweet sweet booty in front of me that kept me motivated when I thought my legs would turn into spaghetti! Now I need to stretch a little then it’s bedtime. Sweet dreams!!!