Wow! What a crazy week! I am currently high on life / too hyper from my spartan bars session this evening.
Been trying to write a blog post all week but haven’t been able to due to other things such as… well, life I suppose! But now Im here so I am doing it, and just to give you heads up, it’s long and it’s emotional!
If you follow me on twitter or if you’ve been reading some of the recent posts, you will know that I have been pretty down and sad lately. Actually, it got so bad that I just randomly started crying big baby wolf tears in the middle of Liverpool Street Station 9am on Wednesday morning. Let me just put it this way – the suits were not impressed.
But me being sad this week is not the ‘point’ of the post tonight. I had a very interesting (read: very heated and loud) discussion last weekend about why I am so open about myself on this blog, and when I tweet.
Some people might think it’s because I want attention, confirmation, praise and so on. Well let me tell it to you fair and square – it’s not about that at all.
You can be the nicest person in the world to me, if I think you are full of shit or just saying nice things to me to be nice, I will not give a shit. In fact, you will probably annoy me more than you will cheer me up.
Trust me when I say – it is HARD to be so open about how I feel, about how I think, about all the bullshit I am going through, mentally and physically and everything in between.
I mean, imagine being at your most vulnerable state and then just expressing that in a place where the whole world can read it and comment. It’s fucking scary!
But I do it because I don’t want people like you, who are reading these words and this blog, to ever be scared or ashamed of telling people how you feel, what you are thinking, what you are going through and so on, no matter how cringing or stupid it might seem.
And that is why I do it. That is why I share the most vulnerable things about myself, good and bad.
You see, I have felt so bad, for so many years. And Im not saying that for sympathy, it’s just the truth. I might seem like I have all the confidence in the world, and when it comes to my personality, I probably do. But when it comes to my intellect and my appearance – I have zero confidence.
Ask my mum.
When I moved to London in 2005 I lived in university halls, my mum came here with me during my first 5 days so she could carry some of my stuff in her luggage and she stayed with me in my tiny room.
During one of the nights she was here, they were arranging some kind of party for all us freshers living at halls and we were meant to meet up in the lobby so a big coach could take us to the venue where the party was going to be held.
I got ready and headed to the lobby not knowing a single soul. After standing around there for about 15 minutes I ran back to my room where my mum was, with a big chunk of tears in my throat. My mum asked me what was up, and I, half crying, told her that I didnt want to go because nobody would want to be friends with me because I was too fat and ugly.
…
Ok now go back and read that again.
This is a young woman, who has had the courage to move to a completely different country, let alone big metropolitan city, ON HER OWN, who is about to start university, studying her dream subject, in her dream city, telling her mother she doesnt want to go to some party because she is scared nobody will want to be her friend because she is too fat and too ugly.
Now take that feeling and multiply it by a million.
Did you know that there was a period in my life where I didnt go out? As in, I didnt go to the pub or to a restaurant, for like a month or so, because I thought I was so ugly and fat that people would just stare at me.
It sounds so fucking stupid and insane typing it out, but its true.
I was just so fucking ashamed of what I looked like that I didnt want to go out. I just wanted to hide from the world.
And there are so many other instances, so many other stories that I could share with you about how it is just feeling so fucking bad, and so shit about everything, that you literally wished you didn’t exist in the end.
But I wont now. Not this time, because that is not the aim of this post.
The aim of this post is to try to explain two things:
One: it is ok to feel all those shitty things as long as you actually express them and share them with at least one person. I mean, I don’t want you to feel that way, but I do want you to know that it is not weird and that you should not feel ashamed about feeling the way you do. Talk about it instead because whether you believe me or not, it will help and it will make you feel better!
Two: I am not some nutter obsessed about running & what time I will complete Berlin in & so on. I know a lot of people have been giving me advice, and telling me off, and a bucket load of other stuff. And TRUST ME – I appreciate it all so much! Even if it sometimes makes me want to scream of frustration (sorry but its true…) I do appreciate it so much.
Never in my life did I ever imagine that something like running would give me a community, a family, that is so loving and encouraging and amazing as the people I have met through Run Dem Crew and Team Bangs.
However, this is the deal… and if you know me you know this, and if you don’t, get to know:
I have had a stomach illness/problem for as long as I can remember. And that has included being in constant pain for the greater part of almost 10 years of my life. I am also pretty confident in the fact that it was a major contribution to why I felt so incredibly bad, not just about myself, but in general too.
Now up until January 2012, I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that I would LIKE, let alone enjoy, and god forbid, LOVE, running, because I honestly did hate it for most part of my life.
But not being able to do it for 2-3 weeks now properly has made me realise why I love it so much, why I miss it, and why I feel so goddamn sad not being able to do it.
It got rid of all the pain in my tummy and replaced it with confidence.
It sounds like bullshit – I know. But ask anybody who has known me for a longer period of time:
I have never EVER done skin tight (like lycra) in my life, only really baggy clothes that was hiding my figure. So to not only wear skin tight clothes, but to do so in public, and feeling good about it, and not being in constant pain, well, it was just too good to be true.
So just to be clear, the Berlin Half, not the journey, not the getting fit part, not the looking good part, but just the actual event represented that for me – as in:
The Berlin Half Marathon to me is about feeling good about myself and the way I look and the way I feel, in a public space, for 13.1 miles, where I can just go HERE I AM AND I AM FUCKING AWESOME! YES! EVERY LITTLE BIT OF ME IS AMAZING AND IF YOU DON’T AGREE YOU ARE MISSING OUT! I AM FIT AND I AM SMART AND I COULD RUN CIRCLES AROUND YOU BECAUSE I FEEL NO PAIN – I JUST FEEL FREE.
And after searching long and hard this week, after crying my eyes out in a public space, after hiding under my duvet not being able to face work and uni and the rest of the world, I can honestly say that I am scared of not being able to do that.
I just want to be able to hold my head up high and feel like I am worth something, anything, without the pain, without the anxiety, without wanting to hide from the world.
Running gave me that and now it’s temporarily gone.
And it feels like shit.
But I am determined to go through with this! And its hard. I am crying just writing about all this because its so fucking hard. And I feel pathetic and stupid for saying it but you need to know because, we are kind of doing this together even if I don’t know you!
I don’t know how, but I will get through this, and I will rock Berlin, and come summer, you will catch me in the sunshine, running to this tune feeling like A DON! (seriously, this is my spring-summer time jam, I will never get tired of this song, especially Left Eyes part, it made me cry on Thursday’s run because it’s just… me.)
Good evening my friends!
I am here and I am alive – wohoooo!
Went to see a physio today about the knee. She was awesome! She looked at the knee, gave me a sports massage and she also gave me some tips and tricks when it comes to pre, during and post run.
I guess the good news are that there’s technically nothing wrong with my knee what so ever.
It is not inflamed, it is not broken, I don’t need a knee strap and I don’t need to RICE – nada!
Bad news are, or, actually I shouldn’t say bad news because it’s not bad news as such – I am allowed to run after all – yaaay!!
Buuuut, the slight downside is that I’m only allowed to run for 20 minutes per session, and then if that works and I’m not in pain, I can raise it to 25/30 minutes and so on.
This has overall given me mixed feelings… Especially since I went out for a run today and felt the sharp pain in my knee after 2 miles yet again [sigh...]
First off – How on earth will this work when I will be on the road, running, for like 2½ hours (if not more!) in 5 weeks time!? The longest I have ever done is 8 miles and that got me in this mess to begin with so how will I do 13.1 miles!?
Secondly – I spent more time stretching before and after my run today than the time I spent actually running. And the worst part was that I didn’t even manage to do the whole 20 minutes because I had to stop after 18…
I did everything I was told to do so maybe I went too hard? Or maybe I went too fast?
Argh! It’s so frustrating…!
And like I said before – it’s not just the running. It’s so many other things too.
I feel like Im in a state where I could start crying any given minute and two seconds later smile again. Like a complete nutter…
So apologies if my mood keeps changing back and forth, but I am trying so damn hard to stay positive about all of this despite being scared shitless and just wanting to cry and give up and say fuck it!
But I won’t.
Nobody said this journey would be easy, I just never imagined it would take this weird turn…
I thought it would come down to lack of motivation, of being too lazy and not pushing myself.
Oh the irony of life!
Anyway, I will stop rambling and get on with what I have to do.
I will try to stay positive too.
It’s fucking hard, but I am trying my best and a little bit more.
Spent most of this afternoon crying. I promised my mum to stop posting pictures like this because they make her cry too – sorry mum!
I feel like a broken record when it comes to my knees so I won’t go on about it after this post because even I think it’s starting to become boring.
I’m just extremely sad and disappointed at the moment.
I feel like I fucked up and its very frustrating to know that I gave so much and tried so hard, only to be told that it was too much too soon and to just rest and do nothing for a while.
As stupid as it might sound, after having done nothing for so many years, I am just… scared.
I am scared that my body will forget about all the hard work I have been putting in these past 5 weeks.
I am scared that I will lose my motivation and drive to do this half marathon.
I am scared that I wont complete the Team Bangs journey if I make a quick stop and rest.
I am scared that resting will make me feel like a failure and destroy all the good things that have been happening to my confidence lately.
I am scared that this whole ‘knee thing’ will stop me from pushing myself and going harder and further in the future.
I am actually more than just scared – I am terrified – despite it sounding ridiculous.
And I know I probably shouldn’t beat myself up about it so much. But I can’t help it. This is the way I am and I don’t really know how to be anything else.
It angers, and frustrates, and saddens me when I want to do and give something my all and I can’t.
But as promised, I will rest for a week and do my best not to get too negative about it.
Unfortunately I have a feeling the latter is much easier said than done…
Hello my friends!
So this is me today… Absolutely exhausted! It has been a very very long and weird week. Started out with being very excited about doing more running after my 8 miler in the snow.
Sadly, no matter how excited I was and how amazing I think Run Dem Crew is, I had my worst run ever this Tuesday. Fucked up my knee, forgot my oyster, ran 3 miles in extreme pain trying not to cause a scene & burst into tears.
Obviously it all kind of backfired because as soon as I got back to base and saw Rhalou the tears just started coming, I almost had a panic attack and to rush home, and I could’t really stop crying until I got off the bus by the end of my road. Not much of a warrior I know, more like a puppy that has been beaten.
Got home and followed doctors advice about RICE (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate) but all I really wanted to do was to scream and punch things. I am telling you, the combination of that much frustration and pain is not a very good look, especially not on me. I was beyond gutted and really angry with myself for fucking up, not only the run I had been looking forward to so much, but also my knee that I kind of need in order to do more running.
Luckily, I had ordered some new running gear the previous day because the snow running had proved to me that no matter how many years I’d lived in Sweden, minus degrees are still very cold. So in order to prevent my legs from falling off from frostbite, I knew that a nice little package would be arriving soon, hopefully cheering me up.
Safe to say I was over the moon when it all arrived, and here are two of the “new looks” – including long leggings that make me feel like cat woman and a purple/pink jacket. Combined they make me feel like a little ninja. Whilst the second one apparently makes me look like a power ranger (which I personally think is awesome!)
On Saturday I met up with some of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. That cheered me up even more, especially since they had such nice things to say about me and my running achievements. Oh, and also because I had the most delicious breakfast ever consisting of fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms with poached eggs and shaved parmesan!
Then I went to see my incredibly hot Team bangs girls for a session with the amazing Barbara – a professional running coach and triathlon mad woman. It was great to get some advice, do my first ‘light’ running session since the bad knee, and of course, to see some of my fabulous girls! They always manage to make me feel better and even though I was worried about my knee and the fact that it was starting to hurt again, they brought the smiles and made me feel good.
Today, Sunday, meant that I had my long run to do (6 miles) and I had managed to get together with a little group of amazing people from Run Dem Crew to do it with (in the order they appear below: Kaye, Guy, Alexandra and Daniel).
We met up at 9:30am London Bridge and I was really nervous… Not because I was scared their pace would be too fast, because believe it or not, I actually enjoy the 9:30min/mile pace (its crazy I know, if you would have told me this 2 months ago or 2 years ago I would have told you to get your head checked) and it wasn’t even the 10 mile distance because I had already decided I wasn’t going to do 10 miles, only the 6 miles that were on my training plan.
It was the thought of fucking up my knee even more that was haunting me and almost punching little holes in my head.
And of course, as soon as we hit waterloo bridge which was 2 miles away, my knee was screaming STOP IT YOU FOOL! So I apologised for the crap knee & turned around. I thought that I could run the 2 miles back, or maybe even an extra mile to get in 3 all together but no…
My knee said “What the hell do you think you’re doing!? I said no!” and I got so scared that I decided to give in and walk. And just when I had passed the 15896th runner on the south bank and felt a million and one emotions sweeping over me, I bumped into the lovely Ama from Run Dem Crew who saved the morning and put a smile on my face (although you cant see it as I am trying to look gangsta).
All in all – despite all the good things happening I felt like it was a very difficult week.
I really want to run… and I know I need to rest the knee and listen to my body, and I will. But just the thought of not being able to run next week either is making me want to cry.
It is so fucking frustrating that I don’t even know how to describe it in words. All I want to do is scream of anger.
People say I have caught the running bug and maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not, I don’t know.
However, what I do know is true is that I am starting to love running more and more because not only does it make me feel good about myself, I have also met so many wonderful and amazing people because of it that I almost feel like beating myself with a stick for not starting to run much sooner.
And these new found running friends have all been above and beyond supportive this week, something that just makes little fireworks go off in my heart because it is just too… well… overwhelming to see so many people wishing me nice things and hoping that I will recover soon.
I want to be out running on the pavement with them, clocking in the miles and making it count. Going hard before I go home with a smile on my face.
I want to share that great feeling of accomplishment with them, just like being there for them if they are going through a tough time.
I want to run because it’s something I never thought I would enjoy and because it makes me feeling amazing, even when it’s not.
Yesterday I did my first ever 8 miles in snow!! It was amazing and I still can’t believe I managed to do it without moaning and being angry at the world.
Words can’t express how thankful I am that despite being the only person who turned up for the “snow run” at Crystal Palace at 9am, Dommy was kind enough to run with me (I am a snail compared to him so I am sure he was doing me a much bigger favour than I was doing him).
Safe to say that it lifted my “running spirit” from last week when I was really down, and I can officially confirm that I am back on my little cloud of excitement when it comes to Berlin and the half marathon.
Not sure if I have told you all,(maybe I have but I can’t remember), but I am aiming to do the Berlin Half Marathon in 2 hours.
Yes – that is a bit crazy considering I’ve never done a half marathon before, as well as only being a wannabe runner for about 2 months now.
But I don’t care!
If there is one thing I’ve learnt in life so far it is that you shouldn’t be scared of aiming “too high” and working hard on getting where you want to be. I know people chuckle when I say it, but I really do believe that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!
I only have to look at the 5 weeks I have been running and training with team Bangs to see that it is true.
I mean, I’m not going to lie – I love the fact that I look slimmer now that I run and the thought of becoming super hot & sexy puts the biggest smile on my face.
After being chubby or “fat” for so many many years and hating the way I looked, and actually feeling ASHAMED of the way I looked for so long, to finally start having the complete opposite feelings is a fantastic experience and I don’t care if you call me shallow – it is the truth and I wont deny it.
However, that is still not the most important bit of this journey for me so far. (although I do have a long way to go so I might have a few by the end of it hahaha)
I know that once again this sounds super cheesy, but the best part for me so far has been the feeling that I belong somewhere and that my efforts and hard work is being appreciated instead of being looked down upon. And it might sound weird but it’s true.
I want to do better so I can give back and help people who might be in the position I was in when I started. And yes 5 weeks is a fart in the wind, but for me Team Bangs and Run Dem Crew really is about those things:
Becoming better at what you are passionate about (which is not *just* running) and giving back and helping others to become better too.
And not in a preachy or ‘I am better than you therefore you should listen to me’ kind of way!
On the running and training side of things it’s not about becoming a fitness freak…
It’s not about punishing yourself and not allowing yourself to enjoy certain pleasures in life such as chocolate or a bacon sandwich or sex or whatever.
It’s about pushing yourself to become better, about being determined, about making a plan and sticking to it – but also about sharing your story and encouraging other people and effectively showing the world that anything is possible with passion, determination and hard work.
I’ve said it before but I will say it again – Everything in life is hard work, especially the things worth having.
So unless you are part of a very very small minority, things will not be given to you on a silver platter. You will have to work hard and then some.
And people will mock you, they will tell you it’s impossible, they will try to convince you that you can’t do it.
And if that wasn’t enough, you will fail many times, and you will make mistakes, and you will feel like the biggest idiot and loser on the planet from time to time.
And all this (plus more!) will make you want to give up, to tell yourself it’s not worth the sacrifices, it’s not worth the pain and tears.
But it is.
Don’t be scared of dreaming and aiming too high. And definitely don’t be scared of following your dreams, it is possible to do anything but you really have to want it and work hard for it.
IF THEY ASK FOR 100%
AIM FOR 110%
Last day of the third week of training for the Berlin Half Marathon and let me tell you – this week has been the shittiest week of 2012. No joke.
Without really going into anything other than running, this week was hard as hell.
It started out with some ‘issues’ that I won’t dwell or go on about because as far as I know, everything has been talked about and resolved, but let’s just say that a situation occurred that kind of made me very sad, disappointed and a bit upset.
On top of that, this no smoking business had resulted in pretty much insomnia. I had been getting on average about 3 hours sleep per night for roughly two weeks, which is not a lot when you need to be up by 6am the very latest every weekday morning to squeeze in either run or a bootcamp session before work.
Safe to say that the tiredness got the best of me – all I wanted to do was to cry my eyes out, dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.
Everything was a struggle and I just couldn’t see how it was going to get any better.
After having a lovely run, and the longest one I have ever done, with Run Dem Cew on Tuesday, I went for another one on Saturday and it bloody hurt! Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am a beginner, but so far running has never really hurt in the way it hurt on Saturday. My legs, my feet, my thighs, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, everything hurt.
I wasn’t even doing my long run, “only” 3,5 miles and I felt like my body was going to fall apart. How the hell am I meant to run 13 miles if I am on my third official week of training and my body is falling apart after less than a quarter of the distance!?
I wasn’t happy but I tried not to think about it. Until I woke up this morning, on my “long run day”, and felt like my entire existence was shouting NO to running. The thought of having to go for a run was actually so upsetting that I started crying.
And before you start judging me – yes I do look horrible on that picture, yes I was silly enough to take a picture of myself looking that bad whilst crying my eyes out, BUT, how am I meant to share this journey with you all if I am not honest and show you EVERYTHING of what I am going through.
So I cried for a while, tweeted about how I didnt want to go for a run, and then decided to stop being silly and just do it because I would feel much worse about the situation if I didn’t go.
Little did I know that whilst I was crying a bit more and preparing to go out for this very much dreaded run, people were saying all kinds of encouraging and wonderful things to me on twitter:
I really wish I would have seen this before I went out, because it wasn’t really a very pretty run…
I got to 0,75 miles and started crying because I just didn’t want to be out there. I didn’t want to be running and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even done a mile.
When I got to 1,5 miles I was cussing everybody in my head.
I was cussing myself for having met Charlie Dark and for him to have started Run Dem Crew.
I was cussing Bangs for asking me to join Team Bangs and for making me feel so passionate about the team and the girls and this achievement and for getting me into running when in fact I was probably much happier when I was fat, lazy, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not giving a flying toss about any stupid half marathon.
I was cussing all my girls in Team Bangs for being so lovely and great people and for making me looking forward to getting up in the morning to go training and for feeling so blessed about sharing this journey with them, because it is a crap journey that is too much effort and hard work.
I was cussing every person I have met in Run Dem Crew, at the sessions or online, for being so into this stupid fucking thing called running and for being so nice and encouraging to me. I mean, who the hell owns and wears so much lycra anyway!?!
It even got to the point where I was cussing my parents for making me and my mum for giving birth to me.
Yes it really got that bad. It got to the point where I literally wished I had not been born at all.
This was where I had my second cry. I think it was around 3,75 miles when I realised how far I had left to run.
I couldn’t breathe, my legs and shoulders were hurting, and I was seriously considering running in front of a car just so I could put myself out of my misery.
But somehow I carried on.
I was thinking of Berlin, of how everything was hurting, of how I’d never be able to do 13 miles, of how Candie was right – Come race day I would be there on my own. Me and the pavement. Nobody to run for me, nobody to carry me over the finish line. Every man/woman on their own.
And during all of it, I had the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear:
How all this wasn’t worth it.
How I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
How I wasn’t “built” for running anyway.
How my life would be so much easier if I didn’t train for this stupid half marathon.
How nobody would care if I just stopped running now and not in 2,5 miles.
How it was ok to walk a little if I needed.
Every single excuse you can think of, you can believe that the little devil whispered it to me. And I listened, and I took it in, hell, I even agreed with some of it.
But I didn’t stop.
After the last excuse I turned my head to the little angel that had been hiding behind my other shoulder, smiled, and tried to run the last mile as fast as I could.
That is when I had my third cry.
Then I got home and was greeted by these wonderful words (I can’t say thank you enough to all of you – I was blown away with how amazing and supporting and encouraging you all are!):
I am going to be honest with you all – I have no idea why I didn’t stop. It would have been so easy and nobody was there with me so nobody would have known anyway.
Maybe it was pride, maybe it was because I was determined not to, maybe it was just luck – I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I am ultimately doing this because I want to be able to wake up every morning and be the best person I can be.
And I know that sounds cheesey, and a bit ‘self-help’/motivational coach bull-shit talk, but it is the truth.
That is the goal and I need to remember that, especially on the bad days and weeks.
Why? Because you need the bad to appreciate the good.
And people can take the piss and people can laugh, but I know that I will come out of this as a better person.
It’s not easy, and this week definitely was a reality check compared to the two previous weeks when I started to think that it might be a piece of cake to run 13 miles after all. It has grounded me, made me think and definitely made me appreciate rest days!
So much love and respect to all of you who are going through this journey as well.
And much love and thank yous to all of you who have been encouraging me to go out there and smash it. Words are not enough for me to express how much I appreciate and value your support.
The only word that really captures the 2012 edition of Gilles Peterson’s worldwide awards is WOW!
Gilles Peterson at the Worldwide Awards 2012
It was the first year I wasn’t working during the awards so I wasn’t sure what to expect…
The line-up looked very varied – from electronic music to jazz to folky soul to you name it. Despite knowing how brilliant all the individual acts/DJs are, the line-up looked like it had the potential of being a massive hit or a massive miss, all depending on how the entire show was executed, but also on how the crowd would be handle the mixture of upbeat, quirky, soulful, spaced out and so on music.
Wordwide Awards 2012 Line-up
However, despite my worries it has to be said that Gilles and the Brownswood / worldwide crew really pulled it off this year! They really went above and beyond, with extra gold stars sprinkled on top!
Before I go any further I have to give massive props to the amazing Peggy who I know works so hard on these events, and Saturday night was proof of her excellence, but also of how much she’s grown and developed and become super-duper good at her job! I can without a shadow of a doubt say that it was the best worldwide awards show I have been to so far!
So massive props to this insanely talented and driven lady, as well as the rest of the crew who made the night happen – Ems, Simon, Alex, Fawaz and the rest of the Brownswood crew plus all other people who I probably don’t know but who made the night a reality.
As for the music and the performances… I think I cried 3 times during the evening because it was so overwhelming. I don’t even know where to begin since all of it was so good, but I guess some of the many many many highlights were:
The absolutely amazing and mind-blowing Pyramids
Michael Kiwanuka and band - they stole my heart <3
The incredibly cool Thundercat who did an awesome performance
The very talented Matthew Halsall who won Best Jazz LP
Another memorable moment was the Gil Scott Heron tribute with the two young and amazingly talented artists, Joey and J’Danna, from south London. They took my breath away – it was an incredible feeling seeing two stars being born on stage like that.
Hmmmm… what else? I guess my favourite DJs of the night were Hudmo, Kutmah and Lefto. Not because the others were bad, but probably because I am biased, because I was too drunk when the others were on to appreciate them, and also because I look up to these three gentlemen – especially Lefto who is like a slightly cooler version of superman (trust!). He even made this video below… Does he ever rest!?
Apart from the music side of things it was fantastic to meet so many new people, as well as seeing a lot of old friends who I haven’t seen for ages – Emanative, Thristian, KATE (!!), Dayo, Alex P, the Wah Wah 45s crew and so so many more.
I know a lot of people diss Gilles from time to time – haters gonna hate and all that, but honestly speaking – I don’t think a lot of people would have been able to pull off what he and the crew did on Saturday.
It really was a magical night (and no I am not just saying that because I used to work for him, if the night was shit I probably wouldn’t bother sharing it with you). I have so much respect for that man, the fact that he is still going from strength to strength, that he is taking chances when so many people in music like to play it safe, that he has big visions and he tries to make them happen with the help of great people and so on – it is very inspirational and if I can ever achieve a tiny bit of what he has in my own career I will be very happy.
So much love and respect to you Gilles! You keep pushing those boundaries and even if I don’t personally like all the music you play, I still very much appreciate what you do for people like me who represent and love independent and niche music.
I felt like absolute crap last night.
All I wanted to do was to punch through walls, shout mean, horrible, nasty words to the entire world and cry my eyes out…
And that was despite being on a natural high in the morning when I got up at 6am (!) to do a 3 mile run (!!) and managed to beat my personal best for 5K, as well as improving my average time/mile with a minute.
(Come people, just give me some praise here, this is no walk in the park I tell ya!).
But sadly, those good feelings from the morning were memories long gone when darkness fell again.
I mean… FUCK! I know that I am doing the right thing here. I know I need to get in shape, exercise more, eat better, live healthier, but damn! Life sure doesn’t make it easy, especially not with work, university, music, relationships and so on.
Getting in shape is one thing, but going cold turkey on fags after having had a pack of 20 every day for the past 7 years is hard-fucking-core.
I swear, those demons in my head creep up on me from time to time and really try to mess me up! And the worst part is that I can tell that if I’m not careful they will succeed.
But then I got up at 6am (again!) this morning to do a SITC bootcamp with my girls and it’s like the bad thoughts and feelings never even existed.
It’s weird… But I guess the important thing is that I’m sticking to my training plan, I’m pushing my limits as much and has hard as I can, I haven’t smoked for 6 days today AND I have a crew of the most amazing women in the entire world who just motivate me beyond anything. Soppy but bloody true.
Hello my friends!
Happy 2012 – I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and New Years Eve! Sorry for the silence and lack of updates but it all became too hectic before Christmas and when I got home to Sweden I decided to take a step back and have as much “internet & computer free” time as possible.
But now I am back in full force and ready to rock 2012!
So what’s on the agenda? Well…
- I’ve quit smoking. Yeah you heard me! Today is my 4th day without a cigarette and I feel like punching myself in the face. But! Apparently those little death sticks are bad for you. They make you smell horrible, they are bad for your health, they will make you look ugly not cool, and somebody told me that they can even give you cancer. So here I am, trying not to think about how amazing they are with coffee, after some food, with a nice glass of wine and so on.
- I am running a goddamn half marathon in Berlin on the 1st of April. Today I ran my first ever 10K with the fantastic Rachel. We did it in 71 minutes without stopping. I wanted to give up after 2 miles, apparently so did she, but we set us the challenge without really believing we would be able to go through with it and we did it. Below is my training schedule for the next 12 weeks. It is pretty insane. I am not looking forward to getting up at stupid o’clock so I can run at 7am twice a week and then going on these hardcore bootcamp sessions at 8am twice a week. But hey, a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do and I am determined to kick ass!
- And then there’s some other work related stuff going on, and music stuff, and let’s not forget this frickin MA that I am doing. It seems like it is all going down in 2012. I guess what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Will expand on the work and music related things when I am allowed to I promise.
I guess that’s about it for now. But stay tuned because that list is going to get a whole lotta bigger when I am allowed to open my mouth and start talking about all the other exciting stuff!
