Yesterday I did my first ever 8 miles in snow!! It was amazing and I still can’t believe I managed to do it without moaning and being angry at the world.

Words can’t express how thankful I am that despite being the only person who turned up for the “snow run” at Crystal Palace at 9am, Dommy was kind enough to run with me (I am a snail compared to him so I am sure he was doing me a much bigger favour than I was doing him).

Safe to say that it lifted my “running spirit” from last week when I was really down, and I can officially confirm that I am back on my little cloud of excitement when it comes to Berlin and the half marathon.

Not sure if I have told you all,(maybe I have but I can’t remember), but I am aiming to do the Berlin Half Marathon in 2 hours.

Yes – that is a bit crazy considering I’ve never done a half marathon before, as well as only being a wannabe runner for about 2 months now.

But I don’t care!

If there is one thing I’ve learnt in life so far it is that you shouldn’t be scared of aiming “too high” and working hard on getting where you want to be. I know people chuckle when I say it, but I really do believe that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!

I only have to look at the 5 weeks I have been running and training with team Bangs to see that it is true.

I mean, I’m not going to lie – I love the fact that I look slimmer now that I run and the thought of becoming super hot & sexy puts the biggest smile on my face.

After being chubby or “fat” for so many many years and hating the way I looked, and actually feeling ASHAMED of the way I looked for so long, to finally start having the complete opposite feelings is a fantastic experience and I don’t care if you call me shallow – it is the truth and I wont deny it.

However, that is still not the most important bit of this journey for me so far. (although I do have a long way to go so I might have a few by the end of it hahaha)

I know that once again this sounds super cheesy, but the best part for me so far has been the feeling that I belong somewhere and that my efforts and hard work is being appreciated instead of being looked down upon. And it might sound weird but it’s true.

I want to do better so I can give back and help people who might be in the position I was in when I started. And yes 5 weeks is a fart in the wind, but for me Team Bangs and Run Dem Crew really is about those things:
Becoming better at what you are passionate about (which is not *just* running) and giving back and helping others to become better too.

And not in a preachy or ‘I am better than you therefore you should listen to me’ kind of way!

On the running and training side of things it’s not about becoming a fitness freak…
It’s not about punishing yourself and not allowing yourself to enjoy certain pleasures in life such as chocolate or a bacon sandwich or sex or whatever.

It’s about pushing yourself to become better, about being determined, about making a plan and sticking to it – but also about sharing your story and encouraging other people and effectively showing the world that anything is possible with passion, determination and hard work.

I’ve said it before but I will say it again – Everything in life is hard work, especially the things worth having.

So unless you are part of a very very small minority, things will not be given to you on a silver platter. You will have to work hard and then some.

And people will mock you, they will tell you it’s impossible, they will try to convince you that you can’t do it.

And if that wasn’t enough, you will fail many times, and you will make mistakes, and you will feel like the biggest idiot and loser on the planet from time to time.

And all this (plus more!) will make you want to give up, to tell yourself it’s not worth the sacrifices, it’s not worth the pain and tears.

But it is.

Don’t be scared of dreaming and aiming too high. And definitely don’t be scared of following your dreams, it is possible to do anything but you really have to want it and work hard for it.

IF THEY ASK FOR 100%
AIM FOR 110%

Without really going into anything other than running, this week was hard as hell.

It started out with some ‘issues’ that I won’t dwell or go on about because as far as I know, everything has been talked about and resolved, but let’s just say that a situation occurred that  kind of made me very sad, disappointed and a bit upset.

On top of that, this no smoking business had resulted in pretty much insomnia. I had been getting on average about 3 hours sleep per night for roughly two weeks, which is not a lot when you need to be up by 6am the very latest every weekday morning to squeeze in either run or a bootcamp session before work.

Safe to say that the tiredness got the best of me – all I wanted to do was to cry my eyes out, dig a hole in the ground and disappear forever.

Everything was a struggle and I just couldn’t see how it was going to get any better.

After having a lovely run, and the longest one I have ever done, with Run Dem Cew on Tuesday, I went for another one on Saturday and it bloody hurt! Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am a beginner, but so far running has never really hurt in the way it hurt on Saturday. My legs, my feet, my thighs, my stomach, my back, my shoulders, everything hurt.

I wasn’t even doing my long run, “only” 3,5 miles and I felt like my body was going to fall apart. How the hell am I meant to run 13 miles if I am on my third official week of training and my body is falling apart after less than a quarter of the distance!?

I wasn’t happy but I tried not to think about it. Until I woke up this morning, on my “long run day”, and felt like my entire existence was shouting NO to running. The thought of having to go for a run was actually so upsetting that I started crying.

And before you start judging me – yes I do look horrible on that picture, yes I was silly enough to take a picture of myself looking that bad whilst crying my eyes out, BUT, how am I meant to share this journey with you all if I am not honest and show you EVERYTHING of what I am going through.

So I cried for a while, tweeted about how I didnt want to go for a run, and then decided to stop being silly and just do it because I would feel much worse about the situation if I didn’t go.

Little did I know that whilst I was crying a bit more and preparing to go out for this very much dreaded run, people were saying all kinds of encouraging and wonderful things to me on twitter:

I really wish I would have seen this before I went out, because it wasn’t really a very pretty run…

I got to 0,75 miles and started crying because I just didn’t want to be out there. I didn’t want to be running and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even done a mile.

When I got to 1,5 miles I was cussing everybody in my head.

I was cussing myself for having met Charlie Dark and for him to have started Run Dem Crew.

I was cussing Bangs for asking me to join Team Bangs and for making me feel so passionate about the team and the girls and this achievement and for getting me into running when in fact I was probably much happier when I was fat, lazy, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not giving a flying toss about any stupid half marathon.

I was cussing all my girls in Team Bangs for being so lovely and great people and for making me looking forward to getting up in the morning to go training and for feeling so blessed about sharing this journey with them, because it is a crap journey that is too much effort and hard work.

I was cussing every person I have met in Run Dem Crew, at the sessions or online, for being so into this stupid fucking thing called running and for being so nice and encouraging to me. I mean, who the hell owns and wears so much lycra anyway!?!

It even got to the point where I was cussing my parents for making me and my mum for giving birth to me.

Yes it really got that bad. It got to the point where I literally wished I had not been born at all.

This was where I had my second cry. I think it was around 3,75 miles when I realised how far I had left to run.

I couldn’t breathe, my legs and shoulders were hurting, and I was seriously considering running in front of a car just so I could put myself out of my misery.

But somehow I carried on.

I was thinking of Berlin, of how everything was hurting, of how I’d never be able to do 13 miles, of how Candie was right – Come race day I would be there on my own. Me and the pavement. Nobody to run for me, nobody to carry me over the finish line. Every man/woman on their own.

And during all of it, I had the little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear:

How all this wasn’t worth it.
How I didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
How I wasn’t “built” for running anyway.
How my life would be so much easier if I didn’t train for this stupid half marathon.
How nobody would care if I just stopped running now and not in 2,5 miles.
How it was ok to walk a little if I needed.

Every single excuse you can think of, you can believe that the little devil whispered it to me. And I listened, and I took it in, hell, I even agreed with some of it.

But I didn’t stop.

After the last excuse I turned my head to the little angel that had been hiding behind my other shoulder, smiled, and tried to run the last mile as fast as I could.

That is when I had my third cry.

Then I got home and was greeted by these wonderful words (I can’t say thank you enough to all of you – I was blown away with how amazing and supporting and encouraging you all are!):

I am going to be honest with you all – I have no idea why I didn’t stop. It would have been so easy and nobody was there with me so nobody would have known anyway.

Maybe it was pride, maybe it was because I was determined not to, maybe it was just luck – I don’t know.

But what I do know is that I am ultimately doing this because I want to be able to wake up every morning and be the best person I can be.

And I know that sounds cheesey, and a bit ‘self-help’/motivational coach bull-shit talk, but it is the truth.

That is the goal and I need to remember that, especially on the bad days and weeks.

Why? Because you need the bad to appreciate the good.

And people can take the piss and people can laugh, but I know that I will come out of this as a better person.

It’s not easy, and this week definitely was a reality check compared to the two previous weeks when I started to think that it might be a piece of cake to run 13 miles after all. It has grounded me, made me think and definitely made me appreciate rest days!

So much love and respect to all of you who are going through this journey as well.

And much love and thank yous to all of you who have been encouraging me to go out there and smash it. Words are not enough for me to express how much I appreciate and value your support.

Gilles Peterson at the Worldwide Awards 2012

It was the first year I wasn’t working during the awards so I wasn’t sure what to expect…

The line-up looked very varied – from electronic music to jazz to folky soul to you name it. Despite knowing how brilliant all the individual acts/DJs are, the line-up looked like it had the potential of being a massive hit or a massive miss, all depending on how the entire show was executed, but also on how the crowd would be handle the mixture of upbeat, quirky, soulful, spaced out and so on music.

Wordwide Awards 2012 Line-up

However, despite my worries it has to be said that Gilles and the Brownswood / worldwide crew really pulled it off this year! They really went above and beyond, with extra gold stars sprinkled on top!

Before I go any further I have to give massive props to the amazing Peggy who I know works so hard on these events, and Saturday night was proof of her excellence, but also of how much she’s grown and developed and become super-duper good at her job! I can without a shadow of a doubt say that it was the best worldwide awards show I have been to so far!

So massive props to this insanely talented and driven lady, as well as the rest of the crew who made the night happen – Ems, Simon, Alex, Fawaz and the rest of the Brownswood crew plus all other people who I probably don’t know but who made the night a reality.

As for the music and the performances… I think I cried 3 times during the evening because it was so overwhelming. I don’t even know where to begin since all of it was so good, but I guess some of the many many many highlights were:

The absolutely amazing and mind-blowing Pyramids

Michael Kiwanuka and band - they stole my heart <3

The incredibly cool Thundercat who did an awesome performance

The very talented Matthew Halsall who won Best Jazz LP

Another memorable moment was the Gil Scott Heron tribute with the two young and amazingly talented artists, Joey and J’Danna, from south London. They took my breath away – it was an incredible feeling seeing two stars being born on stage like that.

Hmmmm… what else? I guess my favourite DJs of the night were Hudmo, Kutmah and Lefto. Not because the others were bad, but probably because I am biased, because I was too drunk when the others were on to appreciate them, and also because I look up to these three gentlemen – especially Lefto who is like a slightly cooler version of superman (trust!). He even made this video below… Does he ever rest!?

Apart from the music side of things it was fantastic to meet so many new people, as well as seeing a lot of old friends who I haven’t seen for ages – Emanative, Thristian, KATE (!!), Dayo, Alex P, the Wah Wah 45s crew and so so many more.

I know a lot of people diss Gilles from time to time – haters gonna hate and all that, but honestly speaking – I don’t think a lot of people would have been able to pull off what he and the crew did on Saturday.

It really was a magical night (and no I am not just saying that because I used to work for him, if the night was shit I probably wouldn’t bother sharing it with you). I have so much respect for that man, the fact that he is still going from strength to strength, that he is taking chances when so many people in music like to play it safe, that he has big visions and he tries to make them happen with the help of great people and so on – it is very inspirational and if I can ever achieve a tiny bit of what he has in my own career I will be very happy.

So much love and respect to you Gilles! You keep pushing those boundaries and even if I don’t personally like all the music you play, I still very much appreciate what you do for people like me who represent and love independent and niche music.

All I wanted to do was to punch through walls, shout mean, horrible, nasty words to the entire world  and cry my eyes out…

And that was despite being on a natural high in the morning when I got up at 6am (!) to do a 3 mile run (!!) and managed to beat my personal best for 5K, as well as improving my average time/mile with a minute.
(Come people, just give me some praise here, this is no walk in the park I tell ya!).

But sadly, those good feelings from the morning were memories long gone when darkness fell again.

I mean… FUCK! I know that I am doing the right thing here. I know I need to get in shape, exercise more, eat better, live healthier, but damn! Life sure doesn’t make  it easy, especially not with work, university, music, relationships and so on.

Getting in shape is one thing, but going cold turkey on fags after having had a pack of 20 every day for the past 7 years is hard-fucking-core.

I swear, those demons in my head creep up on me from time to time and really try to mess me up! And the worst part is that I can tell that if I’m not careful they will succeed.

But then I got up at 6am (again!) this morning to do a SITC bootcamp with my girls and it’s like the bad thoughts and feelings never even existed.

It’s weird… But I guess the important thing is that I’m sticking to my training plan, I’m pushing my limits as much and has hard as I can, I haven’t smoked for 6 days today AND I have a crew of the most amazing women in the entire world who just motivate me beyond anything. Soppy but bloody true.

Hello my friends!

Happy 2012 – I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and New Years Eve! Sorry for the silence and lack of updates but it all became too hectic before Christmas and when I got home to Sweden I decided to take a step back and have as much “internet & computer free” time as possible.

But now I am back in full force and ready to rock 2012!

So what’s on the agenda? Well…

1. I’ve quit smoking. Yeah you heard me! Today is my 4th day without a cigarette and I feel like punching myself in the face. But! Apparently those little death sticks are bad for you. They make you smell horrible, they are bad for your health, they will make you look ugly not cool, and somebody told me that they can even give you cancer. So here I am, trying not to think about how amazing they are with coffee, after some food, with a nice glass of wine and so on.



2. I am running a goddamn half marathon in Berlin on the 1st of April. Today I ran my first ever 10K with the fantastic Rachel. We did it in 71 minutes without stopping. I wanted to give up after 2 miles, apparently so did she, but we set us the challenge without really believing we would be able to go through with it and we did it. Below is my training schedule for the next 12 weeks. It is pretty insane. I am not looking forward to getting up at stupid o’clock so I can run at 7am twice a week and then going on these hardcore bootcamp sessions at 8am twice a week. But hey, a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do and I am determined to kick ass!

   

3. And then there’s some other work related stuff going on, and music stuff, and let’s not forget this frickin MA that I am doing. It seems like it is all going down in 2012. I guess what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Will expand on the work and music related things when I am allowed to I promise.

I guess that’s about it for now. But stay tuned because that list is going to get a whole lotta bigger when I am allowed to open my mouth and start talking about all the other exciting stuff!

Trying to look & feel badass before my first ever attempt to run 4 miles ON MY OWN! Im scared and my thighs hurt like crazy, but fingers crossed I can do more than a mile – that’s all I managed to do a week ago today on my own… Let’s go!

— UPDATE —

So I only managed to do 3 miles in 40 minutes. Not very happy with myself but hey, at least I went out and tried my best. Did the run in Crystal Palace park, my first ever time there so wasn’t quite sure what to expect! It was pretty damn hilly on some places and my thighs started aching as soon as I started running. Not ideal and during the first mile I really considered giving up. But then I started to imagine my team bangs girls cheering me on in my head and just as I hit the 2nd mile I came to this beautiful open space with pebbles on the ground, massive archers that apparently are remains from the old palace, green grass on both sides of the massive path and the sun shining straight at me. Luckily this amazing remix of a  Wiley song came on and I just felt invincible!

I ran up the hill, down the hill, round the corners and just as I hit 3 miles my phone rang and fucked up the mental state I had worked up in my head to be able to carry on running for another mile despite my legs feeling like they were gonna collapse underneath me. I won’t lie, I felt like punching the person who had called me in the face, but then calmed down and decided to head home since it was getting a bit darker.

I guess 3 miles on my own isn’t too bad… Slightly enjoyed I didn’t do 4 but tomorrow is a new day and if my legs don’t kill me I will probably give it another go!

I stumbled through the door 10 minutes ago, got changed into my running gear, having a quick cuppa, then heading out to do my first ever attempt to run 4 miles with the oh-so-lovely Dani. It’s been a goddamn shitty day, so hopefully I won’t die or break a leg, and fingers crossed Dani will go easy on me. Will update post-run so we can see how it panned out. Wish me good luck!

— UPDATE —

I DID IT!!!!!!! Despite a shitty day, a painful & bloated stomach, getting lost on my way to see Dani, the rain and the wind I managed to run 4.16 miles in 56 minutes and 34 seconds (I reckon it was 54 minutes with all the faffing around before we started running but you know…) There were no stops, no walking, just RUNNING FOR ALMOST AN HOUR!!! It might sound like nothing to more experienced runners, but for me, who did 1.16 miles 5 days ago and almost died I think it’s a massive improvement, never thought I would be able to do it, and now I am super proud and happy! Massive thanks to Dani & her sweet sweet booty in front of me that kept me motivated when I thought my legs would turn into spaghetti! Now I need to stretch a little then it’s bedtime. Sweet dreams!!!

Well – today is the day that I am FINALLY allowed to tell you!!

I AM RUNNING THE BERLIN HALF MARATHON IN APRIL 2012!

Yes that statement deserved BIG letters and it deserves a repetition…

I am running the goddamn Berlin half marathon in April 2012 aaaaaaand I am doing it with these amazing ladies:

MEET TEAM BANGS ON THE RUN #3

You might think that I’ve lost my mind by signing up for this and I think that’s a very valid opinion to have. Even I question my decision to do this from time to time.

Why?
Because I hate running. There I said it. I really hate running. With a passion.

So why on earth would I agree on doing this then?
For many reasons to be honest but the main two are…

First of all, I think my hate for running is a small glitch in my system, because I think it’s an exercise form that would really suite me. I just don’t know how to run and I can’t motivate myself to do it. That’s where my lovely team of fabulous girls come in to the picture. We are here to motivate and support each other, as well as having some fun.

Secondly, I know that I will need a lot of determination and motivation, I will need to stay focused, be able to follow a very strict training schedule and so on. My mind will probably try every trick in the book to fool me into thinking that I can’t do it and that my body can’t handle it and I will have to be able to turn it all off and just run. These are all skills and mindsets that can be applied to different areas of my life – so my thinking is:

If I can do this, I can do ANYTHING!

So you can expect a lot of running tweets & blog posts from me from now on… But hopefully you are all just  as excited as me!! I know some people will laugh at this and think I can’t do it (like my boss or my mum…shame on you!) but I am determined to prove all nay-sayers wrong.

Bring on April!

I am back from one of the most interesting & shortest trips I’ve had in a very long time.

For those who don’t know, I went to Budapest with my lovely boss Jazzman on a business trip. Luckily, business trips in our industry usually involves music in one way or another, so this business trip meant that we went to Budapest for a bit less than 48 hours to dig for records. And oh boy did we dig…!

I’m not a massive digger myself, not because I don’t want to be, but whenever I get around to do it, I either feel very stupid in the shop or I never seem to find what Im after. I don’t really know the little tricks when it comes to what to look for when digging for records beyond artist/musician names & labels. So I feel very blessed to have gotten this great opportunity to go on a real digging trip with Jazzman because he shared some of his own tips & tricks.

We started the trip not knowing where this place would be. We had an address and Jazzman had sent an email to the guy notifying him we were coming, but that was about it. So we didn’t know what to expect AT ALL.

We ended up taking a tram to the very outskirts of Budapest to a place that looked like a small village out in nowhere. Since I am too tight to use my 3G network abroad, I had saved google maps description for how to walk to the place from the tram stop. So we literally climbed a small mountain, I had to improvise with the directions because they were leading us in a circle, but I managed to get on the right path and after 20 minutes we reached our destination that looked like this:

Where on earth are we?

Jazzman got slightly worried when he realised that this might not be a shop or a warehouse at all and that we probably were heading to somebody’s house. And he was right. All we knew was that the man was called Attila, so we when we reached the closed gate to the house, we picked a random doorbell and pressed it. An old Hungarian man walked out and I politely said that we were visitors from London who were looking for Attila. The old man said we had pressed the wrong bell but that he would get him, so he started shouting his name and knocking on all the windows on the house. After a few minutes Attila appeared, so I did the same polite explanation and he let us in.

What could be hidden behind these doors?

We walked through the doors and in the front room he had prepared boxes of Jazz records for us to go through. All Jazzman was saying was
“Oh my god – I can’t believe we’re in this blokes house!!”.

His wife and his wife’s mother were there too and they all greeted us and offered to make us some tea and coffee. Of course, Jazzman didn’t really care about any of that, all he wanted was to get started with the digging, so Attila went through the boxes he had prepared and Jazzman took out his portable vinyl player so we could listen to the records. As soon as Attila saw the player, his face went pale and he started to swear in Hungarian. I asked what was up and he explained to me that he had had a French DJ visiting a few weeks ago who also had a similar device, and he had scratched/destroyed 4 very expensive records, so he didn’t want us to do the same. I tried to explain to him in a very diplomatic fashion that Jazzman was a professional – that he had been doing this for longer than I had been alive and that Attila was more than welcome to stand next to Jazzman to ensure he wasn’t doing anything that Attila didn’t approve of. I also assured him that we would pay for any records we might damage in the process. First he wasn’t sure, but I smiled and insisted and in the end he said it was fine. So the real adventure began!

The front room

We came up with a system where Jazzman selected & took out the records, and I very carefully put them pack in their sleeves. I was plugged in with my headphones to the player as well, so once we had selected the stuff that looked interesting, we sat down to decide what was good and what was shit.

A little pile of records we liked

I ended up talking a lot to Attila’s wife Kata and her mother. Kata makes hand-made jewellery and she had recently started making hand-made clutches out of very fine Japanese silk. They were very busy because she was meant to go to Milan for a big Christmas fair, so they were busy making the final touches to all the clutches in the other room. They asked me if Jazzman was my husband and if it was me who decided what records to buy, I laughed and said no to both. They asked me a lot of questions about how it was living in London & “the west” – I told them that it was hard and that I had been very lucky but they didn’t seem too convinced. As the day went on they brought out snacks for us to much on whilst we were continuing our quest to find some decent records.

Snacking & Digging

It took us about 6½ hours to go through all the records in the front room plus a big box of 45s when Attila said that he had some more in the back but that they were in a specific order so Jazzman would have to go in there and listen if he was interested. Safe to say he was, so he headed in whilst I decided to stay with Kata & her mother because it was a bit too narrow in the other room for us both to try to dig & listen.

The back room

As darkness fell outside they made us some pogácsa to munch on & offered us some Hungarian beer. Jazzman declined because he didn’t want the alcohol to affect his judgement of the music. I, of course, decided to go for it. As a Hungarian myself I know that the worst thing you can do is to decline food & drink in a Hungarian home, especially alcoholic drinks. So whilst Jazzman continued to dig, we talked about my life in London, how much I earn, what I do, Jazzman’s history, what he does etc.

Pogácsa!

Hungarian Wheat Beer!

Jazzman digging in the back room

After about 8 hours of digging, our stomachs were very hungry (despite the snacks & beer!). It was cold & dark outside, so we decided to head back into town to have some food and a pint. I ended up buying 4 records and Jazzman walked away with about 20 (he said he’d be happy if he found 3, so I think it was a rather successful digging session!). Lots of Polish, Russian, Czechoslovakian, Bulgarian and not so many Hungarian records, or at least not as many as we thought we would find. But still – lots of fun and overall an amazing trip.

Damn, I really am a very lucky girl!