I died today.
I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I did. I haven’t felt that feeling for many years, 9 to be exact…
Your heart starts rushing at an extreme speed and you get uncontrollably hot. You try to gasp for air but it feels like you have a massive stone on your chest, and the harder you try to breath, the less oxygen you seem to be getting and the dizzier you are feeling. Your eyes get filled with tears and you don’t know if this sudden need to cry comes from the panic you are feeling or the pain from your heart that feels like it is about to explode.
I felt like I was suddenly about to faint in the office but I somehow managed to keep my body in check, which is more than I managed to do last time I felt this way. As soon as I stepped out of the door, the tears just started running down my face. I ran around the corner and almost collapsed on the street. Tried to focus on breathing but my heart was pounding so hard in my chest and the tears were burning my cheeks so badly it felt like somebody was pouring acid down my face.
I sat there, on the ground, for maybe 20 minutes. My entire life flashed before my eyes. Every heartbreak, every heartache, every let down, every fear I had ever felt or experienced didn’t even come close to what I was feeling. And then it all went blank.
It felt like I was lifted out of my body, looking down on myself, and all I could feel was this massive emptiness coming over me.
What followed after was a pure automatic reaction. I got up, walked around the corner and got on the bus. I noticed that the tears were still running down my face but I couldn’t stop them. Like somehow my body was doing things but my mind was somewhere else, detached from everything.
I got off at my stop and started walking home. And then all of the sudden, this tornado of emotions swept over me out of the blue and I had to rush down the stairs from the main road to throw up in the bushes.
9 years since my first love broke my heart. 9 years since I made a promise to myself to never ever allow myself to feel this way again.
9 years of complete waste.
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