So it is Sunday and I have spent most of this week being ill with food poisoning. I have had a lot of time to think about things this week, which can be both positive and negative I guess. I have been getting a lot of emails and comments and messages recently about love, and relationships, and if I am in love or in a relationship, or what the fuck is actually up with me and the posts and pictures I have been putting up lately.
My dear friends: Nothing is up.
I am not in love. Nowhere near a relationship. All those images and texts just represent what I don’t really have in my life at the moment.
A friend of mine told me quite recently that I shouldn’t count or depend on anybody else apart from myself to make me happy and I have been thinking a lot about this statement. Unless I am having a bad day (or sometimes bad week) I am genuinely a very happy person. However, despite what many people seem to think, I am also a rather lonely person. For a very long time now, it was my own choice to be alone. Not only because I went from one relationship to another that didn’t work out for various reasons, but also because I felt like I needed some time to figure out what I wanted, from a relationship, from life, from myself…
I wish I could tell you that I have all the answers now, but I don’t. I have a vague idea of what I want from a love and relationship point of view, however, even that vague idea seems to change with time, just as I am changing. If I am honest, I have spent so much time trying not get attached to people, trying not fall for them, and the few times I failed, I spent a lot of time trying to get over my feelings, get over the heartbreak of not being wanted, desperately trying to shield my heart from the outside world, mostly because of fear. And now I feel like that is all I have left. Fear.
Love scares me. But what scares me even more is that my fear of love, or more precisely, fear of falling in love, could result in me ending up alone. And it might sound silly, but I cant think of a bigger punishment in life (at least for myself) than having to spend it alone.
For me, love is like an addiction. It makes me feel like I can do anything, like everything is possible. I do acknowledge the fact that I have a lot of love in my life, because I have my family, my friends, music… but it’s just not the same. I have never been the girl who has dreamed about marriage, I mean, I just have to look at my parents failed marriage to realise that people change with time and sometimes they grow apart, for better and for worse. And maybe there isn’t just one person, “the one”, for everybody. I guess that has more to do with life and how it decides to interfere with us, and what actions we choose to take and paths we decide to walk. But no matter how strong and independent I want to be, it would be nice sharing my journey through life with another person.
Now maybe that person won’t be “the one”, and maybe that person in fact will be more than just one person. This I do not know because I can’t see into the future. And who knows, maybe in 6 months time, or 6 years time, I will feel completely different about this subject.
But as of now, I am tired of being alone. And there is nothing else I would rather have than somebody to talk to, somebody to share my ideas and thoughts and happiness and insecurities and joys and fears and good days and bad days with. Somebody to take care of me when I need it, motivate me when I feel like giving up, tell me off when I am being an idiot, inspire me when I lack passion and creativity, hug me when I am having a bad day, take my hand and guide me when I am feeling lost, but most importantly, love me when I feel like I least deserve it.
And maybe I am a fool for wanting this, but in that case, I guess it is a price I am willing to pay. At least for the time being…
Just my luck to miss out when the good shit goes down at Plastic People. But if youre in top form, and fancy a boogie, a laugh, quality music and an unbeatable atmosphere, I would suggest you head down to Plastic tonight between 10pm-4am. You will be able to enjoy Atjazz, who will be dropping some exclusive tracks from his soon to be released album, ART. Other peeps blessing the decks for the night will be Christo , Red Rack’em and Psykhomantus. If you do go down, let me know what it was like, as I am rather gutted to be missing out due to this stupid food poisoning. Much love! xxx
Blergh, I don’t like being ill and on my own. I don’t like being alone period.
Good morning my friends,
I thought I would write a quick post before I have a shower and head off to work. Mainly because it is Thanksgiving, and even though I don’t celebrate it, I feel like there is a lot I am thankful for, so here goes:
- I am thankful for all of you guys, who read and comment on my blog. You keep me inspired and motivated. You lift my spirits when they are low, give me energy and the kick I need when I feel like I dont have the strength to carry on. You show me so much love and support, and I hope you know that it means so much to me.
- I am thankful for my crazy and fucked up family. We have had a couple of rocky years, and things are still a bit unstable. But no matter what happens, I still love my family to pieces, and I miss them so much everyday. I would not be the person I am today without their continuous support, unconditional love, and life long friendship. They are my everything, and I am thankful everyday for all they have done for me.
- I am thankful for being able to do what I do. For all the amazing and talented people I have met throughout the years, for the people who have shown trust in me and given me great opportunities that I will forever be grateful for and never forget.
- I am thankful for the friends I have in my life. I know we don’t see each other as often as we should, but the fact that I know that you are there when you are needed, and that you always manage to bring a smile to my face, well, that makes me very happy. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.
This list could be made much longer, but I guess the essence is that there’s a lot of things in my life that I am thankful for, and should be thankful for everyday. And I am, to a certain degree. But I feel like I should focus more on the good things rather than the bad. I am trying my best though and today I will raise a glass to all of you, and send you my best wishes, most caring thoughts and all my love.
I have been ill with food poisoning, my internet failed me, as well as my computer that broke down this afternoon. So I was stuck with my thoughts most of today. Went through some old books, and found this poem by Pablo Neruda that I wanted to share as it is a good reflection of my current state of mind. (I hope you’re all well by the way! I miss posting here more regularly. A change will come soon, have no fear) Enjoy and much love! x
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.I love you only because it’s you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
200 posts.
Will write something more concrete this evening. But for now, this is all I have to say.
I need to stop this madness, but I can’t. I have become an addict. It makes me smile. It makes me sing love songs on the bus, and skip down the street, and run through big piles of leaves. In all honesty, it is making me feel oh so wonderful, and I don’t even know why.
So many things I want to write and share with you all, but my brain is on overload and my heart is exhausted from the silly little things that are disturbing my heartbeats. None of my thoughts or feelings make any sense what so ever, and whilst it is slightly annoying, it is somehow also very exciting.
My life is far from being great, but I have decided to try to focus my energy on positive things. I have been spending way too much time looking at pictures and quotes about love (like the previous post) and even though this area of my life feels slightly confusing at the moment, I am happy.
I go to sleep with a smile on my face, dreaming about tender kisses and warm embraces. And that’s exactly what I will do now. Much love to you all! xxx
