Hello.
I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. There has been so much stuff going on and my mood has been somewhat of a roller coaster journey. Now I am sitting on the sofa, with the sun shining in through the open window. I can hear the birds singing while I’m sipping my coffee, and I have had some time to reflect and think about my situation. The sadness comes in waves, and I spent most (if not all) of Friday night crying my eyes out.
Although I have come to the conclusion that the sadness that I am feeling has nothing really to do with the fact of my losing my job. I kind of understand the situation, and from a business point of view, it makes perfect sense. However, I feel so incredibly rejected, and I think that’s what making me so sad and so hurt.
What springs to mind when I think about all the things that I am feeling is being rejected by my first love. This job was kind of like my first love, and from a work point of view, it was my first “real” job that I absolutely loved and enjoyed doing. And just like with my first love, I poured my entire heart and soul and life into it. Some of you might think that it is stupid to do this, and I know many have expressed concerns about how much time and effort, and how much of myself I have devoted to it. But you have to remember that I am a very passionate person, and when I do something I love, I do it with all of me and give 110%.
Knowing that I won’t be going back there, to see all the amazing people I work with, and to have them around me, and encourage me and kind of mentoring me makes me feel lost and scared. I feel like I spent almost 8 months trying to prove to everybody, but mostly myself, that I could do this, that I am good enough, and I did. And now that I have to start all over again, I am starting to doubt myself again and what I am capable of doing. Which is rather ridiculous I know…
I was watching this two part documentary last night on BBC about the queens of British pop, and I found myself being very inspired and comforted by it all. First of all, as always, it had to do with the music. All the shit that has been going on lately, especially the past couple of months when I have been feeling so lonely, I kind of distanced myself from music, as well as from most of my friends. Yesterdays documentary really made me miss it, it brought back all the memories of how therapeutical music can be to me, how it can comfort me, and inspire me, and be a source of strength and confidence. It felt so nice to have that feeling again.
Second of all, it featured all these inspirational and strong women, and it made me evaluate my current situation. I could relate to all their personal struggles, how some of them as entertainers put on this persona on stage, but off stage they were really insecure and had so many problems. It was a nice reality check and being remembered that no matter who we are or how much money we have, at the end of the day we are all human, and we all have to deal with whatever shit life throws at us. What matters is how we decide to deal with these things.
So I guess I just need stop with all this nonsense, and just focus on the end goal. And try to remind myself that even though I usually don’t think or believe it myself, I am pretty god damn amazing and great at what I am doing. I am so thankful for all the support and encouragement some of you have been showing me. I know I can be a hand full when I’m sad, and I get the feeling that it sometimes doesn’t come across how grateful I am to have you all there to support me and try to cheer me up. But I truly do appreciate it all, and the support has been somewhat overwhelming from some of you, mostly because I didn’t really expect it. So thank you, I love you all so much!
Make sure you check out One eskimO
Hello my dear friends!
Sorry for not updating much but it has been a very difficult week. Sweden was nice but a bit weird. It was lovely to see my family and my friends, especially Anna who I have missed so much. The whole family situation was a bit strange, but I reckon it will take some time and adjustment before it will become “normal”.
For those of you who I haven’t told, I was made redundant this week. I feel horrible, because as many of you know, this job meant to world to me and I loved it so much. I feel a bit lost and scared. I know it is not the end of the world and I should perhaps see it as an opportunity to find something better. But the truth is, that it is not very easy with the given economic climate, and I am just scared that I might have to move back to Sweden if I dont find anything in the coming two weeks.
I have had great support from my old boss and all the people at the office, and I feel so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life who genuinely seems to care and want to help me out. The few of you who know has showed me massive support and I appreciate it so much.
My friend John was here from Bristol this weekend and we had a lovely time, him being here really helped me get my mind off things and not to worry too much. Plus it was nice not to be alone, I have been feeling rather lonely the past months. We had a lovely day in the city, went record shopping as it was the independent record shop day yesterday, ended up on Brick Lane having some cider in the sunshine, listening to some old school beats, and smelling the nice food stuff they were bbq-ing. Went to breakin bread night at the Jazz Cafe that was amazing, the Killer Meters were performing and they were wicked!
Now I need to clean, have a shower, and update my CV so I can start the job hunt tomorrow. I hope you all are good. Ill probably have more free time on my hands now, so please do give me a shout if you want to meet up. Lots of love!
I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to
Hello everybody! Have no fear - I am not dead. I just haven’t been in the mood to talk or see anybody for the past weeks. Not your fault really, just a lot of shizzle going on, both personally and “professionally”.
So, what has been going on then? Well…
In case you haven’t heard already, Battlefront won a Digital Emmy last week and we have also been nominated for a BAFTA. So safe to say that I have been over the moon and felt like all my hard work (even if it is only one small part of it all) has paid off. I met most of our campaigners (I like to refer to them as my little babies) last week at a Channel 4 event which was nice. I also attended an event help by our STOP: Gun & Knife Crime campaigner, Alex Rose, to celebrate his initiative called “Education is the key” - where he has taken guns and knives that have been handed in to the police and melted them down to these really cool pendants:
Education is the key
We also had a visit from our only campaigner who lives abroad, Zuhal. She came over to the UK all the way from Baghdad, where she is running a campaign called Music For a Change, her cause to start the first Iraqi National Youth Orchestra. She held a recital down town at the Wigmore Hall, and I must admit that she is a remarkable young woman trying to achieve something rather incredible considering her everyday life circumstances.
Yesterday our Gift of Life campaigner, Holly Shaw, had Donor Day - a day where she was encouraging people to sign up to the donor register via her new website that we made for her. The day was an amazing success, she managed to get over 3000 people sign up via her website, plus various donor desks that people set up all across the country in support of her campaign. She appeared on GMTV, Sky News in the evening, and even Gordon Brown showed his support to her campaign! Also worth mentioning is that Holly herself is a transplant patient. She had a sudden kidney failure in 2005 and was kept alive by a dialysis machine until she finally received “the call” in October last year.
Apart from all this, which basically is my daytime job, I have been trying to work on some other projects on my free time. Although I have to admit it hasn’t really been going as well as I would have hoped due to personal issues, lack of time, and being rather exhausted. However, I am going home to Sweden this weekend to hopefully get some rest, see my family (my dad who I haven’t seen for over a year and my adorable goddaughter who is just getting bigger by the minutes being the highlights) and some friends (ANNA!). I am hoping to gather enough energy so I can make a final “push” in my outside work activities, to then disappear on a wonderful holiday to Australia for 2 weeks in the middle of May.
And I guess that’s about it my friends, at least for now. I will try to make some more updates, and I apologise if this seemed a bit too “work related”, but what can I say? It is basically all I am doing, working… I hope you are enjoying the sunshine, I will be back soon enough, because it has been a bit too long between the updates I do agree. Lots of love! x
